Needing tips on getting a toddler to sleep with less stress

[KerryEK]

Hello. I'm at my wits ends. I'm looking for tips on getting a 13 month old to sleep. She has a routine(ish) of In The Night Garden, 'jamas, teeth, bottle and bed. But it's the actual settling of her which is killing me. After her bottle, I have to resort to a long cuddle of 45 mins or so until she is snoring her head off, then I lay her down. This only results in her standing up and screaming blue murder. So it's back to cuddling for another hour etc.

I'm majorly stressed as I'm due a second child in June and my husband frequently works until very late. What am I going to do with a demanding newborn and a toddler who needs hour upon hour of comfort before she will sleep? I can't abandon a newborn to do this when I'm on my own. HELP!!

You could try gradual withdrawal from the room? Not something I've done but have heard it's worked for some people. I think there's a sleep regression around 12 months so you might find her sleep habits change / improve soon. Any chance she's teething by the way?

We have a similar routine now with 19 month old DS1 - Night Garden, 'jamas, teeth and bed (with a lovie and Ewan The Dreamsheep). DS2 is due in February. At 13 months, if I remember correctly, DS1 was still BF to sleep (or at least would need a BF before agreeing to go into his cot). He's changed a lot in the last 6 months so you might find that your DD naturally matures into a more 'helpful' routine. Once DS1 started to turn down BF (at around 16 months or so) DH would give him a cuddle and go downstairs, I'd give him a cuddle and a little spiel where I used the same words every night and popped him in his cot. Some nights I needed to stay next to the cot until he settled, some nights I could leave him to self-settle. Around 16 / 17 months it was a nightmare again and I had to stay most nights until he settled (sleep regression and teething around then I think) but now he will self-settle most nights.

I'm not sure any of that actually helps you, but I'm just trying to say that your DD may change a great deal before DC2 arrives so don't panic just yet .

I'm probably doing it all wrong - but I so have sleepers. We never made a big deal out of "bed-time". Simply Jammie's on downstairs, carried up, popped in to bed, lights out, "mummy loves you, night night - I'm downstairs if you need me". And that was that.

Two things stand out- the tv - in fact any screens are stimulating. Stop them at least an hour before bed but better still swop them for a book.
You need to settle her where she will wake-she falls asleep on you and then wakes somewhere different. Settle her in bed/ cot- try to position yourself so gradually there is no physical contact as she falls asleep. Sleep cycles are about 50 mins so first few nights try to be by the bed in case she stirs and then everything will be similar to when she fell asleep and she should resettle more easily.

Thank you for taking the time to answer me. I see the sense in limiting night time screens, however this may mean pushing her bedtime back a bit as she adores Iggle Piggle! That could work in my favour though as my husband is mostly home just as I'm in the middle of the current bedtime schedule. The support of having him at home would be good. As for the self settling, that would be bliss and there is logic in not moving her when she is in a deep sleep and snoring.

I'll admit I do get very anxious and stressed, and therefore tend to take the easier route and cuddle her. But I do need to be strong and try laying her down so she can self settle. I will no doubt be here tomorrow evening requesting a spot of hand holding as I try this!

It's nice to hear that things will improve though, and yes, six months is a long time in baby land. Thank you ladies.

Why not record tonight's ITNG and show it tomorrow evening at an earlier time, if you want to keep the bedtime at the same time?

We did a gradual retreat thingy, sort of. I think the baby whisperer has some advice but iirc that was for younger babies...can't really recall. I did spend a little while lying in the cot with DS unitl he slept, then moved to sitting on the floor next to it strking him or shh-patting. Then just sat. Then sat a bit further away...etc etc.

Also, I made it boring for him to be awake. Didn't speak or interact other than the shh-patting. And during the day we talked about how awesome the cot was and how brilliant it was to sleep in it. Sounds daft but hopefully started some good associations.

Now he gets put in the cot (he's 22 months) and has a story and then lies down and light off. He potters about for a bit but self settles within about 20 minutes. Waking up in the night is a bit more of an issue but you didn't ask about that... ;-)

With My toddler I had the cot right next to my bed, done bath,bottle,bed,book routine ...I read the book to him then let him have the book (usborne picture book) to sit in cot and look at all the pictures himself , then I would settle with a book myself . I think he liked being the same as mum! he loved to look at his book, I was nearby , no stress as it was my only down time of the day , bonus for me was I got to read while LO went to sleep .Depending on how tired I was or what shift I was next day , I would either put lamp out and go to sleep myself or go through to living room to watch tv ... now we have moved house and he self settles great in his own room and sleeping through . Just go with what suits you xx

oh and as Chinese Fireball said - no Interaction after story ... he knew I was there but I didn't speak or chat , just lay quietly reading x

I wasn' t really pushing you to self settle- more retract a bit at a time but if shes cuddled in sleeping position it will be easier to gradually withdraw over several nights. Less contact cuddles, reducing to just hand on shoulder, then just sitting next to her talking or singing, then gradually talking less, moving away so there is no trauma.

Have you considered CC? Not everyone's cup of tea but works pretty well

Gradual withdrawal is the way forward - also read the 'No Cry Sleep Solution' for Toddlers.

This worked for me and I didn't even begin trying anything until he was 2 years old .

I'm back to square one. My husband still isn't home from work (11pm) and I've been trying to get madam to sleep since 8pm. I've resorted to bringing her in our bed. He won't be pleased when he sees , but I didn't know what else to do. She just screams and screams and screams when I put her down. It's very stressful.

The thing which really helped us was moving to a mattress on the floor, then a cot bed, as described above - I think the whole thing of them staying in the same place is very important.

Obviously, with a mattress on the floor make sure that they cannot get trapped in any gaps.

Plus, try a lovely CD from Amazon - it is called 'Lullaby' and has a blue-ish cover.

my boy had music to go to sleep too. He really liked it. normally we played white noise but when we went away once we forgot it and he got addicted to jazz!

If she's standing up in her cot this might not work, but when I popped my son into bed I would bend over the bed to cuddle him to sleep. was a total killer on my back and meant I could only cuddle him for a short time. which put some discipline in for both of us

and we do jimjams, itng, milk, story bed. it means there is slightly longer between telly and bed, and there's not the upheaval of getting changed when I'm trying to calm him down. We normally sit on the sofa together to watch the telly (well I sit with my eyes closed for 20 precious minutes) so he's warm and cozy.

I LOVE the idea of reading in bed next to your baby who's also reading to sleep!! almost want to cosleep just so we can do this!!

I got all of 2 hours sleep last night when I finally dropped off at 6am. She had a very unsettled night. I like the idea of a mattress on the floor by her side and touching her rather than full on cuddle. Will ask husband to help move the spare mattress we have and take it from there and let you know how I get on. Thanks for all your help and ideas recently.

This is what happened last night...she had her bottle and dozed off on me snoring contentedly. I waited about 15 mins 'till she was well gone and went to lay her down. Nope, stood up and screaming blue murder. So I went back to the rocking chair and cuddled her. 5 minutes in and she was quiet and snoring again, all I could sense were my anxiety levels going up.

She had her 5 minutes, then I put her back. She stood up and cried again, so instead of picking her up I laid her down and put my hand on her back. (Not to hold her down, it has to be said!) She moaned/grumbled, but not full on screaming. 2 mins and she was quiet, so I sat back in the rocking chair for my own peace of mind for 10 mins nor so 'till I hear heard her snoring.

Amazingly this resulting in her sleeping all night, not a peep out of her 'til 7.50am. So until my husband helps me move the mattress, I'm going with this tactic of...for want of a better phrase...holding her down. Fingers crossed it'll work again this evening.

Yeah, that's better...'providing a comforting presence'. I knew what I meant! She flips over and sleeps on her tummy, so it was more rubbing her black and setting her while she was laid down.

It'll be a long road, but last nights glimmer of hope proves that it can be done. I can do it, my little girl can do it. I also need to learn not to let my anxiety get the better of me, which I'm starting to get under control with a doctors appointment this afternoon.

Excellent, well done on your progress! I have never been happy leaving my now 20 month old to cry either. When he was about 14 months he only wanted to go to sleep holding our hand. I did gradual retreat and it worked in a week. I would hold his hand for a minute, then he would stand up and cry when I let go. I'd lay him down repeatedly while shushing and doing a v short back rubs/pats on the head. Use reassuring words. On the first few nights I'd have to lay him back down probably 50 times. They key is to be persistent but keep your cool. No raised voices. Then the following nights I'd stand a bit further away from the cot while he watched, I'd say "I'm still here baby, mummy's here." Bit by bit over the next few days I'd move toward the door until I was at the door...and then just outside, still speaking reassuring words. Occasionally I'd have to go back and lay him down if he stood up crying. That"'s ok. Now we just pop him in the cot with a goodnight and a kiss and he self settles. The approach worked and was much better in my opinion than leaving a baby screaming in a cot.

You do what works for you and what u are comfortable with. Their behaviour changes all the time. We used to have to sit with our son till he dropped off. Them we moved the chair further and further away as he was dropping off. Takes a while but works eventually. We also tried controlled crying which works at certain ages but takes a strong constitution. You need to make sure there isn't anything else wrong eg teething, illness. When he was nearly 2 he used to get distressed if we left and just about jump out the cot. Then the bed came and ds used to make himself sick until one night I went ballistic at him and then he stopped overnight! We never seemed to have the same probs with my daughters, or maybe our coping mechanisms was better. Our 3 rd child is our best yet!

You need to set what behaviour you want early on. Lovely to have baby cuddles but important to put baby down once asleep or allow to self settle. But all kids go through different phases of teething, illness, losing dummy, feel insecure. It will work out though. Just stick to your chosen strategy and stick with it!

I did gradual retreat when he was younger which a was very good. Basically you fall asleep next to the cot, for a couple of nights. Worked a treat, then you gradually move out of the room.

Our bed time routine is now:
In the night garden,
Bath,
Teeth,
Jammie's,
Into cot with his bottle while I read a story.

Now that he is older I do the rapid return. Took a good while for him to get it, but works well too.

Good luck.

Supernanny's way worked well with DD1 who was a nightmare, wanted endless cuddling etc.

DD@ has always been a great sleeper but now at 2.5 is deciding she wants me to lie down with her - so I'm watching with interest.

I was just thinking this today. My daughter is 18 months old and I was thinking, I wish I could put her to bed without her crying. It normally takes us an hour. After we've done our routine of dinner, bath, story, it's bedtime. I breastfeed her until she's sleepy and then lay her down in the bedside cot, at which point she rolls around, talks to herself, climbs on me, stands up, sits up, etc. until she eventually falls asleep.

I found that singing helps with my DD, it calms her down and she doesn't like to talk over me. One of the problems I seem to have with her, is that she tries to stay awake. As soon as she starts drifting off to sleep she'll do something to help keep herself awake.

I don't have a lot of advice, just letting you know that there are other people out there suffering too .

I co slept with mine. Lots of families sleep with multiple children in the family bed, or on mattresses near by. I know the idea of sleeping with our children is counter cultural, but we have ended up with Stone Age babies in a western industrialised society - I'd rather go with the needs of the child personally, and for some children that means having company and comfort at night time. And yes, mine now sleep alone having moved out of the parental bed when they were ready (somewhere between 2 and 7 is normal afaik)

I co slept too- going to bed at 8pm with a toddler was lovely- I knew i would get 10 hours sleep- bliss, especially when I was pregnant and needing the rest.
Sleeping with my children has been a wonderful experience,no-one was ever short of sleep, no tears, no tantrums, everyone was happy.