Different parenting styles causing problems in the relationship

[roweeena]

DH is beginning to drive me insane

It all started out well but now we have a 27 month old and 12 week old. 12 week old is at a lovely easy stage, 27 month old on the other hand is full on in the terrible twos, testing boundaries etc. can be lovely one min and hitting the next DS1 has always had quite a feisty, stubborn character but is adorable.

DH is driving me insane though and I feel like he is making life so much harder for us both. I think I have quite clear boundaries and rules and stick to them, I try not to give in to tantrums and ignore as much as possible. This works well for me.

DH on the otherhand seems to be scared of DS1 having a tantrum or having to deal with it. He lets DS1 climb all over him (I found him. Standing on his head the other day!). It seems to me he always gives in to tantrums so DS1 pretty much gets what he wants until it all gets too much for DH and he explodes over something small and it is all out of proportion. DH also makes loads of empty threats 'if you din't put your nappy on i'll put you in your cot naked & they'll be no books' etc - but he never ever carries through on any punishments (not that i would want him to leave him naked though)

DH has taken over bedtimes since DS2 has been born and it is killing me - it takes him 10 mins to get the nappy on & apparently last night he read him 7 books!

I'm not a mean mum but I know DS responds well to boundaries and that dealing with tantrums isn't that bad once you have figured it out. I am also aware that it doesn't seem like DH is doing DS any favours.

Dad works full time and doesn't want to shout at him when he gets home but I find his way of parenting just leads to far more shouting. I find it highly irratatung tgat DH tries to cojole DS into doing things, rather than just expecting him to do them. Anyway I keep on trying to say to DH - empty threats are pointless, you need to carry through on punishments and set boundaries but DH is now pissed off because he thinks I'm always criticising - which to be fair I probably am. I just wish he would take some fricking notice of me.

Of course DS loves daddy - because he always get his own way and I do think he is a great father but the two different parenting styles is really beginning to cause major problems to the relationship

Anyone else experienced similar - WWYD

Ah I have the opposite problem with my DP, who is so determined to be firm & have boundaries & was raised by practically Victorians who sent him to boarding school that we often clash as I feel that he creates fights & tensions where there didn't need to be one. He also goes straight for the massive punishment that he isn't going to carry through - e.g. cancelling Christmas .

So I have no advice as I am in the same situation really. It does cause tension for us too, but I have found it lessens as the DC get older - our DC1 is now 5.

It is pretty much the only thing that we argue about. But we argue once my son Has gone to bed.

Being consistent is the most important thing for us, so we agree an approach. Then if something new comes up when the other one isn't around we have to tell the other the new 'rule'. We co parent as we both work pt so I think that helps.
I would suggest you talk to you dh and find a parenting approach you are both happy with.

Not sure the climbing all over him matters. It's good, especially for boys, to play like that with their dads.

As for empty threats - I wouldn't make any with a 2 year old.

Talk to your DH about handling ds1's behaviour but some of it sounds normal to me. Leave him to it - he'll find a way.

We have similar issues in reverse. Dh is too harsh (he plays and gives him lots of affection too though). Now ds is showing a strong preference for me which is causing some rifts. I've accepted that our responses are very different and that in some ways it probably benefits our ds. I try not to undermine dh in front of ds and when things begin getting out of hand we talk and then try to meet in the middle somewhere. It can be tough, so it's important to compromise where possible and accept your styles are different - neither is right or wrong.