Me and dp met only a year ago, I know soon right. Few months I found I was pregnant with my beautiful baby girl who is now 4 months old. Me and dp argue most days, I just constantly feel so low. I was in a previous relationship abput 2 years ago that was awful, where the guy was cheating on me and then made me think it was all in my head. Which lead me to being too paranoid to step out my house, most days not being able to get out of bed and a good amount of sucuide attempts. After that break up I went counselling, I was a new women. I was so much better, my life was changing.
I met my new boyfriend who tbh, I wasnt letting myself get attached to much. I kept a very cold front and was really quite bossy to protect myself, so I he knew I wasnt going to stand for being messed around. Then I founded out I was pregnant. Being only 19 and only being with him for a short time I was terrified, but not as terrified as the thought of an abortion. So I decided I would do whatever it takes to keep my child and support her, my boyfriend agreed the same. I have to give him my thanks for supporting us and everything he has done.
Since we moved in together things started to turn sour. A little bit at first but now everyday we are arguing and im really so fed up of everyday being a constant battle with him.
I pretty much look after my daughter constantly, im up with her every night. My daughter is quite a needy baby so being away from her is difficult as all she will do is cry when im gone. It makes it very diifuclt to even have a bath let alone go out anywhere and leave her with him. Maybe she knows im nervius about leaving her or knows I dont really feel to happy about her dad and shes picking that up. I dont know. But im under a lot of strain. He recently lost his job, so were on benefits which was so stressful and that really knocked us down. Were managing sort of okay, better then expected but nothing that I want. He's looking for work as we speak but nothing seems to be going right.
Money has never been a big thing in my life but as long as we have enough to scrapw by im happy. I sold my camera and some bits to be able to afford my dd first christmas.
But it seems like im the only one whos trying. Im up with my dd everynight, I do the cooking, the cleaning. If I dont do something it doesnt get done. I never get 10 mins to myself.. I wouldnt mind if he was working! Yet every single day I get my moaned at for something I reLly cant take much more.
Example - my mum got me a steam mop for xmas and I was so excited to try it so I had a bit of a go. Then I wanted to do the cleaning as my house was a mess from all the xmas excitment. He was moaning at me becuase he wanted to me to have our dd while he went and did something with his fishtank (present from his family) so I let him. The next morning he was storming about in a huff because the living room and a kitchen was a mess! Everything I do seems to be critised in some way. And god knows I try hard.
Ive asked him to leave plenty of times but he wont as he says he has no where to go. Im not physically strong enough to kick him out. Im too scared to leave myself as that means taking everything a 4 month old needs with me and I dont have anywhere me and my dd can go. Im too scared to take her away from her home. Its not fair. Hes also threatened me with thing like, he'll need money so I'll have to sort out the benefits and council housing etc all on my own with my dd. Which terrifies me because my anxiety is getting to the point of cripling me again and he knows that.
Im so tired of feeling so useless when I try so hard. Im tired of everything. More importantly, I see my beautiful dd seeing this and it devistates me. Im not saying he treates me terribly, he doesn't hit me or antthing, he does do nice things. But day to day, its hell. I just feel like our relationship has been bent so much and had so much strain that its just now at the point of giving up. I dont know what to do.
Im terrified of leaving and im terrified of staying. Some have any advice? Please :(