Why wont my children just play?

[Emski76]

Hi all. Really need some advice. I have 2 ds aged 6 and 2 and really struggle when Im on my own with them. Ds1 never seems to want to play with his large array of toys and only wants what ds2 has got and is incredibly bossy if playing with another child. Ds2 will play by himself but flits from one toy to the next.
When they are both home together I feel like a referee stopping the fighting and screaming. They are currently yelling at each other and crying while I sit here. I cry all the time with it and am exhausted. Ds1 has gone off in a strop because Ive threatened

Sorry posted too soon.
Ds1 is now in a strop because ive threatened to throw his toys away.

It's quite a big gap. Us 2 is quite young to be left to play with a 6 year old.

Mine are 4&2 and I need to set them up with their own toys and have been teaching my eldest how to manage when dd snatches from him. Also teaching dd how to ask nicely. But I don't leave them for more than a few mins at a time. But they're getting better.

Too many toys? Children tend to struggle when given too much choice. We only have 10 toys out at one time and rotate them weekly.

Massive age gap to be expected to play together much.

Set up something for/with the 6 yr old, let the little one "help" ( but main focus is the 6 yr old).

Later, set something up/ play with the 2 yd old and the 6 yr old can help ( but not take over).

Praise both.

Make sure they get outdoor time ( children and dogs need at least 1 walk/ outdoor activity a day, better 2) even if just posting a letter, walking to the swings.

At 4 a film/tv is usually a good idea. You can MN and prepare tea.

Then bath, bed.

Young kids thrive on routine, and it helps you too to make a plan for the day.

Separate rooms part of the time.

There is only 2.5 years between DSIS and me, but I had a stair gate across my bedroom door so I could do things without DSIS messing with them. (Bungalow so easy for DM to stick her nose out the kitchen and look over).

Here DD1 could draw and colour in the dining room and set a stair gate across the door to stop little fingers messing.

It's lovely when they will play together, but it doesn't always happen.

My two are much better than my DSIS and me, because DD1 is much more patient than me and DD2 is clever, such that she read and did sums well enough to close the three year gap to almost nothing for some games. (DD1 is ex ally bright, but dyslexic and incredibly tolerant of DD2 being a smart arse, when I'd have thumped her)

Thanks all. Ds2 is almost 3 so starting to play more.
I think the real struggle is when were at home. Im a lover of being outdoors and I think both boys are like me. I make sure we get out everyday, this morning was a walk to the shops.
Your right, 3.4 years is a big age gap.
Peaceful here at the moment. Ds1 watching a movie and ds2 watching trains on the ipad.
Thanks again for your posts

Mine are DS1 (10), DS2 (7) and DD (2). DS1 is Autistic but very creative of complex games and inclusive within them so long as everyone obeys the complex rules (hard for a 2 year old). They play beautifully for a while then its time for a new activity. DS2 and DD play really nicely. They love ball games, chase and tickle, blowing bubbles, playing on CBeebies, little cars and bumper remote control cars. They build little train tracks together.

They also get fed up with each other and need their own spaces. They are encouraged to respect personal space which I think is vital in getting on well. Its also essential for DS1 to have this space because his meltdowns are physically and verbally very full on - he could do real damage to one of the others when he's in full meltdown. Maybe this extreme behaviour has helped to fuel their respect for personal space.

I analyse it rather like when you grow produce and say one for the birds, one for the slugs, one for me. Its if I give them 20 mins and we do an activity together they then will carry on for say 20 mins before
I intervene and they play at another activity on their own for another 20mins. Then its back to a bit of adult focused time etc etc.

It helps to have a few in hand diversion things like print outs of favourite cartoon characters you can sit the youngest down to scribble on when the older needs space. I keep back boxes and colourful sweet wrappers and junk modelling always goes down well as does playdough and the kids all love pizza making, biscuit decorating and cake baking (good reserve activites for when tension needs breaking).

Overall I think two can be quite tough. They're just developing that bit of independence,that favourite word of no, yet aren't quite able to keep up and hold their own or fully communicate what they want.

I have almost 7 and almost 2 they love to play fight with each other so I usually just leave them to it the most common thing to hear in my house is 'I don't care who done it go and play'

I think it's quite good for them to have each other to practice sharing compromising with I notice the little one is a lot better than playing with other kids than DN was at his age (23mo) he sort of understands the unspoken rules of playing where as DN only had other peoples kids to play with so usually had supervision and an adult to step in and settle things DS has had to learn how to stand up for himself when i'm to busy cooking to be a referee. The only thing I do not allow and immediately step in with is hitting pushing etc apart from that it's survival of the fittest in our house.

Oh and the stair gate is a life saver I lock myself in the kitchen where they can't get me

Lola88 I think thats my and dhs biggest problem - we dont let the boys sort out their own battles which is making them both tattle tales!! Lesson learned!!
I got out ds2's new playdough before tea and they played lovely altho seperately and I did have to step in a few times BUT I was able to cook tea without any major interruptions!! I feel like a new woman and Im sure the boys are happier for it too

Well done :) hope it keeps up

I could have written this! My boys are also 6 and 2. 6 year old is lovely on his own, really interesting, chatty, funny little boy. Put him with DS2 and he becomes a dictator. 'No, you play with it this way' 'No that's mine' 'you're not playing' 'Stop snatching' on and on and on. Always ends in DS2 crying and screaming at him. It's hard because individually they are delightful. I'm afraid I tend to divide and rule. So DH when he's off work will take DS1 off to do something, then we'll swap over. Or DS1 will go up to play with lego in his room while we play with DS2. It's hard at the moment but I agree it's a massive age gap to expect much else for the moment.

I try and get DS2 playing with something and DS1 will come help me cook or watch TV but anything each of them have, the other wants. They will squabble over anything and everything.

DS2 is leaning slowly not to snatch and how to play nicely but the problem is they both play with the same toy but in totally different ways because of their abilities, both conflicting over everything!

It will get better right????

I often blame the age gap but my cousin is having similar battles with her 2 and 3 year old so I think it is just a kid thing. 2 year olds want to be included with everything while the older child wants to play with it 'his' way.

Think we just have to distract them as much as possible and wait it out. It's quite a relief to read that we're not alone though!

Stickchildrentwo, its lovely to hear from you and know someone else out there spends much of her time pulling her hair out.
Dh and i split with the children most weekends unless were out for the day. I took ds1 to his bedroom yest and we spent an hour doing whatever he wanted (tidying his room and doing his workbook!!) and it felt great. Im sure he felt the same!

My boys are 5.6 and 2.3 and it drives me nuts. We do the outside thing and I do some more structured stuff when i have the energy.

I started doing 1-2-3 magic, works well. We also have a TV ban until tea time, they have played better like this. DS1 had his precious toys in his room, and DS2 is shut out as we have a stair gate, we also allow DS1 to use kitchen table for arts/crafts, so DS2 cannot mess it up.

I try to ensure 1-1 activities/time with each.

We have had a calm day today so feel all in control. Yesterday I was in tears, DH and I was arguing over their behaviour and I would have happily hid under my duvet for a week!

Hi Grump. I quite often find myself in tears too.
I def think structured activities can be good as ds1 especially seems to get lost without it and then misbehaves.
Kids, drive you crazy!!
Maybe we could all post something that works for us so others can try it too???