Feeling lonely....does it get easier?

[islingtongirl]

I have a 16 week old DD. I love her to bits, of course, but I'm funding it harder than I thought. She can be happy, sometimes (mostly with daddy it seems) but she still cries a lot, despite best attempts to placate her. I was told the crying would slow down/stop by 3 months, other people's babies always seem so content I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I seem to be the only one at baby groups with a screaming baby, I just want her to be happy. I end up not going out a lot and have been feeling quite depressed and crying in the evenings. My husband is great but he often works late or away and I feel very lonely. He is out at drinks tonight and I am ashamed to admit I start not looking forward to a full day and night looking after DD with no help or let up. Is it normal to feel like this? Will it get better? Am I just not cut out to be a mum? I am taking a full year off work and due back end of July. I was so happy about this before but now wondering if it is a mistake. I'm not sure I can take another 7 months of relentless crying.... Sorry for the ramble, I guess i am just looking some stories of hope and feeling very low tonight. DD is in bed but I just sit staring at the monitor in fear she will wake up. I feel she doesn't deserve me as a mum if I can't even deal with her at 4 months in...

Hi, firstly you are doing your best, loving your dd, keeping her safe. Well done, you are doing great!
It is incredibly hard being alone with a baby all day who screams, you certainly are not alone in feeling that way. My lovely dd was just like that.... There is a light at the end of the tunnel, things will get easier. I too went through a phase of avoiding people (even though I'm a very out sociable person) because dd was the one baby that screamed all the time and I couldn't bare the looks and comments. I would be so envious of friends who's LOs were happily snoozing in their car seats whilst the mums drank coffee.
There is a high needs baby thread on here. Also recommend the happiest baby on the block, and the fussy baby book for tips.

hm. i am not sure it is of any immidiate consolation but my crybaby DD who never seemed happy , never slept, took hours to fall asleep etc. suddenly changed into most sensible young lady at great old age of three and is now a very reasonable 25yo young woman, who grew up just without any teenage trouble, took good care of her studies and when she left home for uni i felt really sorry to see my free home help going.... she was worst as baby (all other DC have been good babies), but definitely easier later on than any of her younger brothers!

Oh I remember this well.

I forced myself to go out and meet people. I soon wheedled out the sympathetic ones vs the judgey pants. Took a few goes though.

Try not to compare yourself to others. They LIE.

I don't really have much in the way of advice, but I'll try! First thing I'll say is try not to compare yourself and your child to others - remember that what you see when at these groups or when out & about is just a snapshot of others' lives; you don't see the ones who're stuck at home afraid to leave because their child keeps crying/tantrumming or those who have just put a brave face on it.
It does get easier but it's impossible to say when (not what you want to hear I know) because all children are individual and have individual needs and whims.

Thinking of my own dc, ds was the happiest, most placid and easy going baby ever: he really could go fir days without crying. Now he's the exact opposite and I'm frazzled with him; in the last few weeks he's turned into a whiny, whingy monster - today he had a tantrum that lasted, off and on, all fucking day.
Dd was a nightmare baby, screamed almost constantly for the 1st 6 months of her life and was incredibly fussy. Wouldn't be left, wouldn't go to other people, wouldn't sleep; I nearly went mad! I remember shouting at her at the very top of my voice, "Dd, will you just fucking shut the fuck up!!!!" Not my finest hour. Now though, at 15 months old, she's a delight: really cheeky, giggly, nosy; she's the easy one!

What I'm getting at is that there will come a point when your dd will come out of her shell and, fir want of a better phrase, cheer up. Until then you just have to ride the storm as best you can. Keep getting out of the house: it's really easy to hide in the house but that way depression and isolation lies. Keep interacting with people, keep talking to her and encouraging her; she will eventually get with it and when she starts responding and interacting with you it becomes more fun and less one sided. Keep reading forums like this: read enough threads and you'll soon see that there are actually many, many people in your situation that you just don't see because they're either having a rare good day when you happen across them; or they're hiding indoors; or you're concentrating so much on your dd that you don't see the others with similar babies.

Sorry I don't have much in the way of actual help; in sure someone with more useful words of wisdom will be along soon

I hear you. I had the same problem, screaming for seemingly no reason and especially when his head touched the mattress. I took my baby to an osteopath who specialises in babies - two sessions later and my baby stopped crying and has been happy ever since (he's now 11 months).
On the loneliness front - yes, I feel like that sometimes but as they get older it gets easier.

X post with a few people, sorry

Thank you so much for replying - I didn't think anyone would so quickly! So thank you . I do try and get out when I can, but at after a few bad experiences it knocks your confidence you know? But I also know staying at home is definitely not the way forward, I had to stay in all day a few times last week for various reasons and I thought I was going to go mad at one point, even had dreams of running away....awful I know I think DD feels me upset too and it makes her worse. It's reassuring to hear some of you understand although I also sympathise if you have been through this! So they really do get better right? I think it doesn't help that I always need to rationalise things, and when I can't find a reason for her crying it really gets to me....

Oh love I really feel for you. You sound like you need a big hug! I could have written your post pretty much word for word when ds1 was the same age. He just seemed to cry all the time I went to a new mums group once a week and he just cried through the whole thing every time I felt so stressed.

Suddenly when he hit 6 months and learned to sit it got tons better and he morphed into this lovely little laidback chap (he still is now and he's 9) We had the best time ever after that.

Trying to think of a few practical suggestions...

• Have you taken her swimming yet? Ds really liked swimming and always had a good sleep afterwards, which was a pleasant break from the crying.
• Looking back I also wish I had sometimes just let him cry while I showered and dressed and then just got out of the house - anywhere!!
• It might be worth a chat with a sympathetic GP or HV, just to rule out anything like ear infections or reflux. (looking back I wonder if ds may have had a touch of reflux)
• What's she like at napping? Could she be getting overtired? Ds only ever catnapped until he was weaned which I think was partly because someone had told me he needed to be kept awake after a feed. Once he was weaned he started having a nap straight after lunch which was much much better. So I would think about whether she might nap after a big feed? (with my younger children I never worried about feeding them to sleep and it was so much better)

Are you getting a bit of a break in the evening or at weekends? Even simple things like meeting a friend for a coffee on your own or taking half an hour to read a book can really help. Do be kind to yourself, you sound a bit low. And do keep trying to get out to baby groups - have you met any other mums you know well enough to suggest going for a walk or to come to you for a coffee? I think that can be less stressful with a whingy baby.

islington I will pass on some advice from my then 3yo son (the one who was a nightmare as a tiny baby ) to my friend who couldn't calm her own little baby one day.

"Well you know sometimes babies just cry, Auntie X. That's just what they do "

I am sure you are doing a great job. Just remember that.

It really does get better. I am so sorry to hear you are feeling like this and can totally sympathise, i think many women experience this, though what can make it harder sometimes is the impression that everyone else is taking everything in their stride, its usually not the case, you just see the good bits that's all.

My DD has colic for first 16 weeks, everyone told me would get better by 12 weeks, it was awful, i felt like i was counting down the weeks, just wiling for things to get better, the magic 12 week mark came and it didn't stop, i thought it would never end. My DD was also difficult to settle outside of colic and would nap for long at all. I remember meeting a colleague for lunch, DD wouldn't settle, cried a lot, i didn't eat my lunch but walked around the restaurant, embarrassed, thinking people would be wondering why i couldn't calm my baby, im sure no one noticed but experiences like that do knock the confidence out of you.

I promise you it does get better and you are doing a great job. It took me a long time to realise that my baby's cry sounded soooo distressing to me but to others it was just a little baby crying a bit.

I have to admit, before, I had DD i never considered that i wouldn't be able to console her, i thought it might take me a while to work out what she liked best, but i always thought this was a mum's 'job' and when i couldn't do it i felt a massive failure.

sorry, its a bit long but you are not alone, and it does get better, honest! I bet you are doing a great job!

Thank you - you don't know how much all these replies have helped me tonight, to feel like I am not the only one out there. I have met some nice ladies through my nct group but everyone seems busy or travelling recently (i haven't even attempted travelling! Another thing that made me feel a bit useless) plus when I have seen them DD hasn't been her best....she can be so sweet when she smiles and laughs, I just wish it was a bit more often it would give me some confidence that she doesn't think I'm totally inept!

Hi Islington, I'm in a v similar position to you. My DD will be 17 weeks old tomorrow and she is a real crier. I too was waiting for the 12 weeks / 3 months mark and was gutted when it passed with no change!

I've spoken to lots of people who have said that feeling down about suddenly having such a massive change in your life and dealing with a challenging baby is way more common than people realise. I just keep telling myself that it will get better. I think that my DD is really keen to get moving and so expect that being able to sit up, crawl, roll over, etc will make her happier. She is also v much a cat-napper and won't go down for more than 30mins in the day. This makes her irritable too so sometimes forcing a nap by taking her out in the pram can help. I've also made friends with some mums with similar babies so sometimes make it out to visit them and commiserate! if you ever find yourself near Ealing, let me know and we can do coffee whilst the LOs scream together..!

Just try to keep positive and realise that it will get better. I've never seen anyone say it doesn't get better.

Thank you Rhubarb - I will definitely let you know, that's v kind!

It's not been a good day again. A lot of crying (myself included)....OH home late again and now working over Xmas apparently.

It does get better, I promise! I remember feeling quite low around this stage - the newborn glow has worn off and reality sets in a bit. I hated being at home for more than half a day, and would be counting the hours until DH got home. It was also around this time I had a week or so of wondering if I had a bit of PND as I sometimes felt I wansn't coping very well...

For me, having lots of 'stuff' scheduled helped - so lots of activities, working out which of the new mums I'd met I liked and wanted to see more of, etc. And I got into habit of taking DD in sling to supermarket every evening around 5, when she was getting grizzly but it was still a few hours before DH would get home.

And then, around 5 months things just got easier. And now, at 8 months, I finally feel like I know what the fuck I'm doing and am really enjoying her company and am gutted I'm going back to work in 2 weeks

Hang in there - but in the meantime do talk to someone in real life if you're getting overwhelmed by the crying and feeling sad - PND can kind of creep up on you I think.

Thanks city. I think getting out around 5ish is a good idea. This morning had started badly - cries ALL the time unless I pick her up and jiggle her. OH says leave her to cry (why do they always say that?!) but I can't...What if she is in pain? But she does stop when I pick her up and talk to her (generally) but she won't even let me sit down. Is this clingyness a phase? Someone asked about naps - they are awful at the moment, I seem to miss the tiny window to get her down and she just screams and screams and gets overtired and then inconsolable. I just feel it is going to be like this forever and I am getting no enjoyment out of being with her, just stress and anxiety and I hate that I feel like this.

It's a phase. It will pass. DD wouldn't let me put her down for the first 12 weeks! Have you tried wearing her in a sling? It means you can get on with things and keep her happy at same time.

Also, pick up a copy of the book The Wonder Weeks. It explains the reasons behind these fussy, needy phases babies go through - 16 weeks is a classic one of those.

Hello there! My friends, who have a 6mo daughter, are in a similar position. They are now pretty sure that she has silent reflux and they're getting her checked out by the paediatrician. She starts crying as soon as she lies down because her milk (and stomach acid .. ouch!) comes back up her oesophagus .. but until recently, the symptoms weren't quite as clear.

IT MAY NOT BE WHAT YOUR DD HAS -- but it's well worth getting checked out by your GP, with a referral to a paediatrician if necessary. Then again it could be colic, or simply her personality, of course.

Neither of my two children (DD, now 6 and DS, now 3) slept much during the day and I remember feeling sooo exhausted on the bad days. But I always tried to get out with the pram for a bit, AND my local baby group was a sanctuary. As long as you don't pay too much heed to other mums' FABULOUS BABY stories, as someone else has already pointed out.

All the best - and yes, it WILL get better and MUCH more enjoyable. Honestly. She's not crying because she's manipulating you .. she's crying because she can't help it, for whatever reason. And you comforting her as much as you can at any one time is the best thing you can do for her. Don't let her cry it out. Please.

To answer your first post. Yes it is normal, you've just gone (I assume) from being an independent woman with a job and some free time every evening to being at home all day with another person who needs your permanent time and attention. You aren't getting much sleep, you possibly don't know anyone else with a baby that well so can't just relax even when you are around other parents, and to top it all off your partner gets to go to work every day and out in the evenings and it feels pretty much like your life has stopped (and you are wondering what the hell you have done) and his is carrying merrily on. At least that's how I felt with my first child.

The good news is YES it DOES get easier. I fact I can almost 100% guarantee you that you will ENJOY it at some point...that point differs for people but for me it was when dd finally started to become more interactive. It improved again when she slept thought reliably. And now I can't imagine life without her...in fact I eventually enjoyed it so much I felt able to have another, a d I found second time round so much easier. Parenthood is just like any other job. You have to learn how to be a parent, and it takes time, dedication and pretty much every hour you have in the beginning, it can feel like this new role swamps you to the extent that you no longer know who hou are...but all this pays huge dividends later. I promise.

Things that will help. Get DH to take her for an hour a day or whenever he is there if you can and just get out of the house on your own. Pop to the shops, even if its just to get some milk or a nice magazine/paper/chocolate bar for yourself. Being out without your baby will help you feel like a human again.

At weekends your DH should be giving you longer breaks to catch up on sleep/have a bath and wash your hair/go and catch up with a friend who you can talk to about how you feel. You can admit to people you are struggling. I didn't when I had dd and I think I was suffering from a very normal reaction to the restrictions of parenthood, in a town where I knew no one and couldn't drive so was trapped. I knew I wasn't depressed, there was no chemical imbalance going on, but i was feeling rather desperate, and the full effects of being lonely and trapped by my new life.

Going to groups can make you feel worse and I admit I avoided them ike the plague with both my kids, but by the time mason was on the scene dd was at school and so I knew other parents. Is there anyone you clicked with at anti natal that you could meet up with? Someone on MN local?

I assure you very few babies are placid and docile and always happy...the other mums at groups are just lucky that the group times coincide with their babies being tired. Every new parent finds this a period of adjustment. The important thing is you recognise your feelings and communicate with your DH just how important it is that you get time as often as possible to have a rest away from the house,

On, and a sling worked wonders when dd was little. Loads of sling libraries around these days which is lucky, they'll tell you the one best suited to you and your baby and will help you out it on etc...and you'll probably meet some lovely mums there too, I did!

I also think I was scared of my dd crying. Like you I had to rationalise it, and when I couldn't I felt terrible' and angry and frustrated and like crying myself. But here's the thing. Babies cry because they can....it's one of the things they master early on and it's one of the few things they have any control over. As long as she is warm, fed and has a clean nappy then any crying is just her wanting to be close to you. She's been cocooned inside your lovely warm womb for 9 months, and now she's in a bright, noisy place where nothing makes sense and she can't speak the language.

You are not doing nothing wrong, and eventually she will cry less and you will get her crys more...or they will hammer you less because you'll know she's ok and just letting off steam. Give her a cuddle, because that's all she wants, to be close to you, the one place she knows she is safe. And if you are beyond handling this particular cry, out her down somewhere safe that she can fall from, go to the next room, have a little cry, and repeat...'this too shall pass' before going back.

Can't fall from. Doh.

Thank you for your replies Attack and Duck - a lot of useful advice. DD is much the same - crying a lot and family christmas meant little to no proper naps and some days she was frightful I still feel really down about it and dread the days but clinging to the hope it will get better. Her night sleeping has gone to pot too so am exhausted.

You poor thing, my ds was very much the same and I felt like I was seriously losing my marbles. Not to mention the guilt of not being in a permanent state of bliss with my much wanted beautiful baby! He's now 6 months and it really is so much better. He can still chuck a tantrum like the best of them but generally just when over tired. His daytime naps are gradually getting longer - occasionally he'll do 2 hours! Nighttime is still hit and miss and we generally have 2 wakings on a good night but I'm just riding the storm. It is so so hard but I promise it will pass. My wee man is for the most part smiley and giggly throughout the day which is a complete change from where we were 4 or even 6 weeks ago. What helped me massively is my other half taking one night a week and me sleeping in the spare room with ear plugs in. Sleep deprivation makes everything much much worse in my experience. Hang in there, it will get better!