When you have lost your identity in your children how do you find yourself again???

[carnation]

I am just beginning to realise that after 16 years of children I do not know who I am anymore. I find it difficult to find time for myself without feeling extremely guilty for having done it. Someone asked me yesterday that if I had the whole day to myself what would I most like to do. I could not think of anything. I live the biggest percentage of my life for my DH and for my children - is this so wrong?? How do you begin to find yourself without having the guilt trips!!!! Anyone any suggestions!!

Start small - have a coffee in a nice cafe and read a magazine? Take up some sort of class? Don't feel guilty (easier said than done, I know) - you can find yourself and still love your family.

After you've had your coffee, think about the following......

What did you like to do before you had children? Read, paint, walk, etc? Try to go back to an old hobby you gave up or sign up for a new one with a local class (cake decorating, painting, web sites )

I think it's important to live for yourself too, your children will leave home one day and you don't want to feel lost. Ask yourself what you like, what you're interested in, look around you for new things. Take your time and become selfish !

Interesting topic. I have a one-year old baby, and a desire to keep my identity is something I think about and work at.

My dad died a couple of years ago and I talked to him a lot before he died and he would have said that, whilst he had loads of hobbies etc, his life was defined by his children. Its what his life was all about. So "living the biggest percentage" is certainly not wrong.

Saying that, when I was 15 my mother decided to study to become a priest. This involved night school and other activities several evenings a week. My dad also worked late. As a result, I spent many evenings on my own, fending for myself. Whilst this wasn't perfect, it did mean that when I arrived at Universtiy I was perfectly able to cook, clean, iron and generally look after myself (and I'm a bloke so this isn't to be sniffed at). So it all worked out very well. So do what you want to do, your family will cope with almost anything.

Much appreciated responses. I do work part time I am also studying full-time. Whilst this may be interpreted as time for myself what I am actually doing is things for my family. To become selfish is very difficult Fredy when you are never allowed to switch off. When we have our children it is unconditional love that we give to them as pablo's father so rightly said. When I am feeling under pressure (which I often do with 4 children) I feel like the pressure is due to the fact that I do so little for myself. I am just finding it really difficult to justify this time for me and my children not being a part of that.

I pondered this recently, I am happy being a mum and want to keep doing it, but wondered when the kids are at school how will I regain that part of me that is just for me.
I think I will retrain, maybe do a uni degree etc and follow a subject I really want to do, to find a job I really enjoy doing.

At the moment, my problem isn't knowing who I am, but not having time to be me. Hopefully when the boys are both at nursery, i'll still remember how to be me.

Before you dive into life coaching and so on, there's a really interesting book called 'Simple Abundance' by Sarah ban Breathnach which you might enjoy.

It's basically a bit to read for each day of the year, and part of the point of it is finding new things/rediscovering who you are while still being a mother and so on. It's a bit American touchy-feely, but even so, worth trying (I'm not at all like that and found reading it regularly an interesting experience).

I haven't explained that very well, but take a look at it in a bookshop - it explains itself much better than I can!

Carnation, 4.5years and I dont know who I am either my dh and family tell me i am not what i used to be either!!!! So will be watching this thread with interest.

mustrunmore. I thought that but ds has been in practically full time nursery this last year and I feel I have become more withdrawn and lethargic and quite the opposite.

But once they are in nursery, there's no reason not to come home and run. Then i'll get back my figure, health, confidence.

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I've just started finding myself again after 5yrs of being a SAHM. Took separation for me to realise that I needed time for me again and not anyone else. I've been and had my hair done - coloured etc. Going for a manicure and I'm meeeting my friends for lunch/coffee. Just seating in the the cafe in Barnes and Noble, drinking a latte and reading a book is time for me away from everything else. I love it. Try it.

oops meant sitting - small child distraction here

FioFio... dont do much housework now, so why would i do more when they're older?

what would you like to do in your wildest dreams?

i want to have flying lessons - and i will. just errrmm.... when i have a spare few thou.

but i will.

nice to have something to aim for.

and its not selfish.

your allowed to have a life. when you get old your kids will prolly visit once a week - then what?

it much depends on the kind of person you are and i know you have no time at all - but plan for when you finish your studies. would you like to play an instrument, take up pottery,
flower pressing do that craft shyte they do at the top of the mnet boards? or learn creative cooking, cake decoration, creative writing,

why not start a diary - but fgs dont tell anyone. but its a way to start writing.

photography, another language, a GCSE in something completely useless like errrrrrrrrrr philosophy or something.

get a college magazine sent to you and something just might pop out and you may find yourself going oooooooooooooohhhhh i fancy that.

so apart from flying i would like to
so a mechanic car course for girlies
own my house ( unlikley)
be a landlady ( also unlikley)
learn to control the white ball in pool ( v. likley)
sit on my own decking ( kinda likley)

see.

I can see you as a seaside landlady, Mrs Custardo.

Meditate daily. Even ten or twenty minutes a day makes a huge difference.

When I'm disciplined about doing this, I feel so much more centred and in tune with myself. To be honest though, I frequently find reasons not to do it. (Laundry, school pick ups, illness - there always seems to be something).

my boys are 9 and 10 and we (dh and i) have decided to do things as a couple again before we forget why we got together etc
we have been to music concerts, meals out, cinema
its great
i love my own space aswel and read alot of books this is my time! which is normally about 7ish for an hour
take time to be yourself because before you know it your children will leave home and you will be lonely

I don't think it is about just finding time for yourself it is more knowing what you enjoy. Having time to find out what you enjoy doing which does not involve being a mum. I am sorry Rickman did not see your thread. I am not a regular on mums net and I am very new to it anyhow. Custy I am so privileged to have such an establish figure on my thread I feel very honoured as I do with everyone else. .

The book sounds good twocats I will seek that one out.

Maybe I did not have such an exciting life before my children arrived which is why I have such a problem knowing what it is that I would really like to do. Keep up with the suggestions as it is obviously a topic that alot of people have an opinion on.

Do a Shirley Valentine.

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