'Controlled crying' - your views

[TheGirlInThePinkPyjamas]

Hello!
I'm a first time mum with a gorgeous three month old baby girl (sorry, don't do forum jargon so you'll have to please bear with me as I type out real words and not use acronyms! )
I've been doing some reading on the so called 'controlled crying' technique as everyone, particularly mother, (who I'd far rather kept her 40 year old pearls of wisdom to herself) keeps going on at me not to see to baby when she cries and to leave her for a while or completely until she stops. I personally see this as utter nonsense. She's a baby. A baby! Baby's aren't manipulative! Plus she's only 3months and I read that you shouldn't 'control cry' until 6mo. I also feel that 'controlled crying' is tantamount to child cruelty if they are left to persistently cry until they give up as it's my view that baby is giving up all hope of help and is shutting down as a defence mechanism. I think it could gradually break down the trust barrier between baby and mum. Babies cry when the need something. That is all. They've not got you 'wrapped round their little finger' (another of my mothers favourite phrases...) Baby will learn to self settle when she's ready to, she does it occasionally so I know she can do it.
So, what are your views?

You definitely sound against it, you don't feel comfortable with the idea so don't do it. No one can make you

I've nicked this from another poster but the best way to deal with interfering relatives is smile and nod ... just smile and nod!

Its just a plain 'No' to cc from me. I'm nursing my 4th child right now. They all sleep well without me ever leaving them to cry. Your mum doesn't have age as an excuse, I'm in my 40's!

You are completely right. You're the mum now, you must do what feels right, picking up on your baby's cues quickly is the best way the build on the bond you have.

I think this could degenerate pretty quickly into a bun fight :-) I generally agree with you and never let DS1 cry nor DS2. And in all honesty, I wouldn't let a baby/child cry on their own for 5 minutes at any age (DS1 is 4 now).

However, there will be many (many) people who disagree and are in the other camp - I don't think there is much common ground between the two approaches so not sure a direct debate will achieve much, all I'd say is that there are lots of women out there who share your views and lots who don't and when you're parenting, regardless of approach I think you need to listen to your inner voice and not all the opinionated folk who 'think' they know better because they did it and it worked for them.

I also think a lot of people who let their own babies cry it out are keen for others to do it to stop them feeling so guilty (validates their approach) but then, that is probably the case for parents who never let their babies cry.

I'll stop now and watch the feathers fly....

I don't think children are damaged in anyway because of a few days cc/cia but wouldnt do it myself.

Three months is much too young, wait till they are eating normal ish meals before even thinking about it that means 9 months to a year old.

Just ignore any advice you dont need.

CC went against every bone in my body and I completely agreed with you for my first DC. 18mo and worse sleep later I resorted to CC out of sheer desperation. It worked surprisingly well and really was best for both of us in the end. Can't get him out if his bed in the mornings now!

However.......would I do the same given the same gut feeling and same child....probably! Lots of my friends went down a similar route and their babies did eventually get with the programme all by themselves or at least with minimal persuasion! My second DC slept through from 9 weeks and I still used to give him a cuddle to sleep occasionally!

CC is a good tool to use but I think you can only parent based on your instincts and knowing your child.

Actually I'm lying there as we sis use some gradual retreat, which resulted in some crying with ds 1 2 and 3 but they were all 2 - 2.5 years old at the time so old enough to onow that it was night time and they should be sleeping

I never used it. I think of small babies like little wild creatures. What they want is to be with you and to know they're safe and not about to be eaten by snakes and wolves. They have no idea that you're coming back if you leave them and so cry because it triggers a response in new mothers to come back and pick them up. I think ignoring that response is a little insane. We may have modernised but a tiny baby is still a primitive little thing.

I did use CC (after trying gradual retreat, PUPD etc) but not until dd was around 10 months old (my GP recommended it after seeing the state I was in after 10 months of no sleep, she'd used CC for her children). Dd (now 18 mths) sleeps much better and seems to be a normal, happy toddler.
3 mths is too young though, at that age your baby doesn't understand that you haven't abandoned them, that it's time to sleep, that you checked on them 5 mins ago etc.

You're entirely free to use whatever approach you choose but prolonged lack of sleep can be damaging physically and mentally. If nothing else is working and you feel you can't carry on don't beat yourself up for using CC.

As for whether CC results in psychopathic adults that depends on which article you read. My DP's parents used CC and he has a close, loving relationship with his parents and I'm pretty sure he isn't a psychopath :)

It is an effective tool to break sleep associations. It is not a cure all for every sleep problem and before the child has learned that you are there even when they can't see you, it is utterly pointless. That usually happens between 4-6 months for most babies.

Ferber's book is brilliant if you encounter sleep problems down the line. He offers lots of advice, not just controlled crying that he is famed for.

I wouldn't use it on a baby so young but I personally don't see a problem with letting an older child cry for short periods of time before going in, shushing, laying them down, stroking face and going out again.

We did this with dd. We left her a max 5 mins before going in. It took probably 4 lots of 5 mins, so 20 mins altogether, before she settled. The following night she slept fine. We still do this sometimes if she's unsettled and not ill or teething.

I found that staying in the room and shushing or holding and rocking her made her worse: She either thought it was playtime or got really angry and even more worked up. When we do / have done controlled crying we can tell by the cry that she's just grumbling and complaining rather than getting wound up and upset.

Having said that, all babies are different and respond in different ways. All parents are different and have different methods which may/may not work for others.

Btw for those who don't know: controlled crying is where you leave the room for a few minutes at a time and go in periodically to check, shush and settle. This is what I did/do with my dd and she only cried/cries for a max 5 mins at a time. Cry it out is just leaving them to cry and only checking in the morning; this is something I could not do.

Personally, I don't like CC or CIO methods of sleep training at any age, but 3 months is far to young to even contemplate it imo.

However, once they are older then some people find these methods useful/acceptable and I have to say that whilst I wouldn't have done it with my own children I know people who have found it works very well for them. Controlled crying (short periods then going in to settle) is of course very different to crying it out (just leaving them until they stop) which I do think is cruel.

I think each parent knows their child, their family circumstances and how far they are willing to go.

I don't have the energy for this topic again

But 3 months is far too young for any kind of sleep training.

Totally against it. A baby cannot communicate by any other means then crying. Your child is asking for you, go to them. It's shocking that people still recommend it. A baby doesn't learn to self settle only that no one will come if they cry.

Thankyou for your views It's really useful to understand these techniques from many perspectives. I'll stick to doing what I feel is best for my baby and smile and nod at those suggestions pushed on me that I don't agree with and won't implement!

Luckily, both DD (now 5) and DS (now 3)were always pretty good at self settling, and didn't really cry when they went to bed BUT if they were overtired then a bit of CC was the only way they would settle. I used it only after they were weaned at six months as I agree that really, really tiny babies wouldn't cry for no reason and they need immediate attention. PUPD never worked for them as they hated being 'handled' too much when they were tired. I used to just put a hand on them and shush to reassure them I was there. They weren't ever left to cry for more than 5 minutes and IME by six months I think you instinctively know if they are in genuine distress or just grumping because they are tired.

They still go to sleep by themselves, can't stand sleeping in with me even when they are poorly and are pretty balanced kids. No trauma here from CC but there I think there is an appropriate age to try it, depending on the child.

3 months is too young for proper CC or CIO.

We did let DD1 cry for a bit with me just rubbing her tummy when she was about 3 months. I didn't pick her up but stayed with her. Within 4 days she was self settling to sleep and sleeping 6-8 hours overnight.

Helping babies to self settle is not evil.

I don't see the difference between CIO or CC - a baby of six months doesn't have a watch and it makes little difference to them if you pop in every 5 minutes if you're only going to leave them again. They're both the same in my book.