Granny / DD relationship breakdown ... what to do?

[DuckForCover]

I'm sort of at my wits' end and I'd REALLY appreciate any thoughts you all have on this. Apols in advance for the long posting. Editing skills close to zero right now ..

DD, 6, and DS, 3, are looked after by granny (my MIL) twice a week when I and DH are working. DD has always been a little hesitant towards granny, from when she was little. I think it's partly due to rather different personalities -- DD is very cat-like: go after her too much and she'll withdraw altogether. Granny is a formidable woman but pretty full-on at times. It may also have started early because granny / grandad were away for the first two years of DD's life, so maybe some bonding time was missed there.

How do I feel about her? A bit like my DD, I guess -- I like her, enjoy her, admire her in many ways, but sometimes I'd really like her just to back off a bit from the kids. I've tried not to let that show, but maybe DD's picked that up. There's also a lot of gender stereotyping going on, which does annoy me a bit, AND granny does think my 3yo-DS (who's not getting much of a look in her but is just as lovely as his big sister) is 'just like his daddy: a lovely nature, and NOOO bother at all'. You can insert the 'unlike his sister' there.

Anyhow, there are phases when DD seems to feel ok with granny and is quite chatty and open, but there are other times, like right now, when she won't even say hello, or talk to her (nor to granda). I can't quite figure out what sparks off each phase. DD tends to say 'granny annoys me' but I can't get much further than that.

I've tried to gently encourage her to open up a little more without making too much of an issue of it. DH reacts by scooping her up in his arms and 'protecting' her a bit .. he can't stand any form of criticism of DD. We do have quite different parenting approaches and marriage-wise, things are looking bleak right now. So yeah, that's playing out in the background, too.

Last week, after the school Christmas show, DD blanked granny altogether, which left my MIL really quite upset. DD said granny had distracted her by waving .. [hmmm] to which I replied that I and pretty much the entire audience had waved to their kids / grandkids, too.

My MIL called me afterwards and said she'd really prefer not to look after DD right now. I said I understood and that we'd maybe take a wee break (thank feck for the Christmas hols .. but OMG, we're also due at granny's for Xmas dinner ..) and reassess in a week's time.

I've had two longish chats with DD, trying to explain that she can hurt people's feelings with her behaviour, but also that I'd try to help her deal with any situation where she doesn't feel comfortable with granny or grandad. I've also told her that, even though we're talking about some stuff she finds really quite difficult, I love her and I'd just like her and granny to get on a bit better.

But I know that DD now feels a pretty heavy weight of expectations on her shoulders and she doesn't respond to that very well. I generally try to encourage good behaviour with her (the pleases, no / yes thank yous etc), but she's always found that a bit tricky -- as though she's expected to perform. DS almost does it automatically, so I think it does come down to different personalities rather than JUST cack parenting.

What do I do now? Go back in a week's time with DD and expect another situation where DD does or doesn't do something and granny gets upset? Have thought of asking DD to write a card to granny, just to try and put a couple of thoughts down .. maybe even a little 'sorry' ..

Then again, half of me wants to say 'sod it' and ask my boss for slightly more child-friendly working hours (I do early & late shifts) which would at least give me the option of a childminder at times. But I really do not want DD to lose the connection to her GPs, either.

And how do I handle that issue with DD? I don't want to come down too strongly on her because I suspect that this has far more to do with DH's / my parenting than her, but I also need her to be civil to her GPs. Should I expect granny to do anything here? Maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on DD?

Oh yes, and as for Christmas -- any ideas? Really looking forward to it with the kids, but the thought of Christmas dinner fills me with a smidgen of terror right now.

Sorry ... it's a MASSIVE mail .. but just needed to explain. Would really appreciate the views of all you MN parents / grandparents out there.

I think I would try to find a childminder, which would take the pressure off the relationship. I also think the onus is on Granny to work on the relationship, and figure out what is going on here. It sounds like she is expects your daughter to fit in to her idea of what personality a child should have, and that she is quite judgemental and prefers your son.

Granny could occasionally do something special just with your daughter rather than doing childcare. I know it will be a financial burden, but might be worth it if you can manage.

I would second getting a childminder too, to give everyone some space. Perhaps doing some whole family things to take the pressure off the GM / DD relationship.

Your MiL does sound quite rigid, we are talking about a little child here. Children are very quick to pick up on atmosphere and perhaps DD senses your MiL prefers her brother?

Yes agree you need to try and move to a childminder instead so that their relationship can develop under less pressure.
If this was a childcare setting you would expect the childminder/adult to be taking responsibility for the relationship with your dd. As it stands at the moment you are giving your dd all of that responsibility. At 6 I think thats hard on her!
You sound like yoy are being very hard on yourself too though. .give yourself a break!

Childminder no question about it.

GP can be quite tough sometimes and I know for a fact although my GM adored me she really wasn't a kiddy person so looking after us (not being childminded) probably was a bit of a pain sometimes.

will never forget when years later my nana reminded me of how she'd broken her wrist slipping on some fruit juice she'd got me as an 8 year old (I can't remember if I/she spilled it) but AFAIK/IIRC she had osteoporosis or starts of it anyway.

Thank you so much! It's like a great big MN hug.

The childminder is where I'm heading instinctively, though this'll cause ructions, too (as in 'why do you bother when I'm around'?). But I know that DD would relish a bit of a break. And Chottie, the whole-family thing would probably be good.

I forgot to say earlier that DS is now behaving a lot like his big sister .. he was sobbing his heart out one day when I was due to pick him up from playgroup WITH granny but she'd gone ahead and collected him herself. It really upset me to see him cry so hard (my turn! ) just because it was granny instead of me. But it's tough on her, too, I accept that.

Somehow I think I need to stop keeping all those plates spinning. I've suggested twice to DH that he, I and his parents sit down and chat it through but he has a real issue about discussing those sorts of things with them and kind of dodges it. Which, I imagine, goes back to his own relationship with his mum in particular (he adores his dad).

And TheJoyfulPuddlejumper, I think you're on to something .. because the tension between DD and granny has actually increased in line with the breakdown between DH and I. We're cohabiting at this stage, but just about. This time last year, even his mum was so annoyed about his behaviour (no financial responsibility whatsoever, in bed whenever possible, TV / laptop addiction and using both for hours most days to 'entertain' the kids) that SHE suggested we separate! I only figured out later that she meant this is a temporary solution .. .

Now I think she's increasingly regarding me as too demanding / bolshie in our marriage, because he's finally started to pay towards the household budget and surely that means we should just make up and get on with things. Sigh. I'm really, really close to bailing out but my mad shifts (6am starts some days, 10pm finishes on others) make that extremely difficult -- and obviously I'm worried about the way a split will affect the kids. Aaahhhrrg. Too much going on! Not exactly a recipe for harmonious family relations all round, eh?

I really think childminder is the way to go. Of course you may not find the perfect childminder either. But that won't come with the same horrendous burden of expectations: nobody will expect her to bond with her CM, if she dislikes her it won't affect family dynamics forever, it's a business relationship without the emotional onus.

I suspect that she thinks your son is like his dad and your daughter is like you...so is almost taking that out on your daughter.

Try for more child friendly hours and/or a childminder. It looks like you might have to bear this burden on your own soon anyway so be prepared.

Thank you cory. I actually bumped into a lovely woman who looked after DD in her creche and has become a childminder since then. The two of them always got on like a house on fire, so this is a very tempting option. Must save some pennies.

It's also nice to think about the fact that DD doesn't really display the same kind of behaviour (at least nowhere near as severe) with anyone else .. so it's not simply down to HER, as most of you have pointed out.

BUT -- a final one: to what extent do you insist on your child delivering the customary 'hello', 'good-bye', 'please' and 'thank you' with family and strangers? And how do YOU all handle it when they don't do so?

... yes, FunkyBoldRibena -- that makes a lot of sense. I can see that in action. And yes, I can also identify with some of DD's reactions .. I remember HATING having to say hello and all that. It's hard to stop me from wittering on about stuff to complete strangers these days, so at least I know it's not permanent!

But I know it makes DD feel as though she's being tested right now .. are you going to say it or not? And she doesn't appreciate that at all. So yes -- a bit of space would probably be good. And then we'll just have to see what the new year brings.