I dont love my daughter. I know its wrong.

[1angel70]

Im 43 years old and a mom of 6. I dont love my second child. She is 26 years old. I had her when i was 16. I had my first daughter at 15. When i had my second child i didnt bond with her like a mom should. To this day i still regret having her. Im close to my other children just not her. When i say i love her to her im lying to her. Ive tried for many years to bond with her and i cant. Its making me more depressed because a mom should love their children no matter what.. I know its wrong and im a bad parent because of it. If anyone can give advice id appreciate it. Please dont send hate mail. Im trying to deal with this issue.

I've just read your post and can completely identify with what you say, albeit my particular circumstances are a little different. I had a daughter (she is now 25), and I could not bond with her at all after birth. I had a particularly long labour (3 days) with an emergency C-section performed after my daughter started showing signs of distress. Whilst in hospital recovering from my operation I can recal the feelings of overwhelming resentment; I wished she just wasn't there and didn't want to hold her or feed her at all. I stayed in hospital for a week and during all that time I was happiest when my daughter wasn't near me at all. I performed all the perfunctory duties that a mother should, but at not one point did I feel ANYTHING for this child at all. I felt awful, but had no one to talk to. How could I explain that I felt nothing for this child that had just been born? Who would understand? By the time my daughter was 6 months old, I had unfortunately split up from her father and due to my dire financial circumstances was forced to go and live with my parents as I had no money of my own. This was the worst thing I could ever have done. My mother had always wanted another child and she took this opportunity to monopolise mine, leaving me with even less time to bond. I even found my own mother attempting to breast feed my own baby one night. Disgusting. Still, though, I just had no choice, I had nowhere else to live as my partner gave me no support or living allowance to get by on (despite being a successful accountant in a big firm in the City). Within years of this living arrangement, my mother had successfully manipulated the relationship between herself and my daughter to the extent that whenever I tried to establish "ground rules" and "care" arrangements regarding my daughter I would be told "whilst you are both living under my roof, living on my money, you will both be subject to my rules". I was back again to being the abused child of my past. During an argument one night with my mother I threatened to just walk out with my daughter and just leave. Within days, I then received a letter from a firm of solicitors informing me that due to my "irrational demeanour" my mother had been granted a residency and parental responsibility order in terms. Now in the eyes of the law, I had no choice as to where my own daughter lived or to how she was brought up. Once my mother had obtained residency of my daughter things turned from bad to worse and she made my life utter hell. I didn't have any money still but in desperation went to a firm of solicitors in order to try and reverse the court orders. I ran up a debt of thousands of pounds, but was still unable to overturn what had already been put in place as I still had no permanent alternative home in which to bring up my child. After years of abuse at my mothers hands, I decided one day that I just couldn't take it anymore and decided to pack my bags and leave to go and live in a bed sit (which was all I could afford) on the salary that I was earning at the time. Years went by, like this, with me visiting to try and see my daughter with my mother either allowing me access or not, depending on her mood. I thought that when my daughter became of age at 18, things would be different and that I would once again begin to build a relationship with her. Sadly, it's not worked out well. My mothers manipulation runs deep and my daughter believes every lie that my mother has told her (my father being totally complicit in this arrangement). To this day, I wish I had felt differently and had been stronger, but in reflection I was not well myself at the time and just was not strong enough as a person. I'm writing to you as I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I am now in my late 40s and it is has taken until now for me to be able to talk about my trauma and abuse (at the hands of my mother) as a child. I have recently begun therapy and am beginning to realise that my feelings of detachment were a result of childhood trauma. If you want to write back, please do, I'd be happy to chat and offer any support if I can.

AJim that's truly heart breaking, I'm so sorry, you had pnd, and would've been fine in the right circumstances.
You never know what the future holds, have you gone on to find some happiness even so?

I’m so sorry to read this.
Your mother is abominable and I really just want to say I hope you can build a relationship with your daughter.
It sounds like you may have had postnatal depression at the time.
I’m so sorry you lost those years with your child and I hope you get some time with her now and later.