When Grandparents have a favourite ...

[Notsoyummymummy1]

I have a 2 year old dd and she has a female cousin of the same age - let's call her Sophie (not her real name) who is the daughter of dh's younger sister. Mil looks after Sophie once a week as dh's sister works and I am a SAHM. My inlaws come over to see dd for a couple of hours once a week but obviously spend a lot more time with Sophie and know her better. Consequently all we ever hear about is Sophie does this and Sophie does that - whenever we tell them what dd has been up to - they just make it all about Sophie. They know very little about DD compared with my own parents.

DD is unfortunately much shyer round my inlaws whereas as Sophie is very outgoing so when we are all together the focus is very much on Sophie and I feel bad for dd. Things have got worse recently as dh's sister, her husband and Sophie have "temporarily" moved in with my inlaws while they do their new house up. My inlaws have cut down on their visiting because they've been helping them out with the move etc. and I can't help feeling DD is getting sidelined again. Dh feels the same way. My inlaws now look after Sophie a lot more while DH's sister and her husband go out or work on the house so talk about her even more. The other they rang dh and he said they were talking so much about them lot they didn't even ask how dd was.

We all get on very well and I don't want to jeopardize that at all but how do we deal with this to keep ourselves sane and to make sure dd isn't neglected? Has anyone else had this to deal with?

Yes I am dealing with this. I bite my tongue because I don't want a confrontation. The "Sophie" in our family is very much the golden child in fact she is probably the cleverest child on the planet. I don't even get to finish a sentence about my child as it is interrupted with tales of Sophie's achievements. If my child gets a new toy Sophie is bought the same thing the very next day.

I think letting it wash over you is the only thing you can do.

We are up against two Sophie's (SIL DC) who live next door to grandparents while we live an hour away. They see them daily, help out with childcare week in week out and even go on holiday etc together. DN 1 got nine foot trampoline for his birthday off them which FIL spent hours chasing round for and assembling. DS got twenty quid for his shortly after.
We live with it. Sympathies.

I had this with my own DM, who favoured DS over my older DD.

She would always ask after DS and I would reply DS and DD are fine thank you etc. Would offer to pay for school trips abroad for DS, but never had for DD. I'd ask her why she would want to do this when she'd never done so for SS and she'd waffle on with some lame reason about helping me out.

She would be so obviously more affectionate towards DS that even DD (by then about ten), would say 'nanny doesn't like me .

When DD achieved all A and A* in her exams, DM barely said congratulations but would go overboard with gifts for DS if he passed an 'ordinary' test.

We put a lot of it down to cultural differences ( I am Asian) and also the fact that DM had fallen out with my DB years and years ago and so needed another male to focus on, as DB was again the fave in the family.

Have to say my DDad would point this out to get and always always treats my two DCs exactly the same.

However it came to a head one year and I ended up having a massive row with her about it. I explained how DD felt, how we felt and also how uncomfortable DS felt ( he did not enjoy the favouritism at all).

She was shocked and surprised at what I said. I don't think she realised how bad / blatant/ obvious she was. She's so much better now and this has vastly improved DDs relationship with her.

No advice really but just sharing my experience.

My gm was like this. I was the one who was always sidelined, and my dm did it with me with db.i was never the favourite.

When I was 14 I told my gm that she didn't give a shit about me, and that she always had her attention on the others I'm surprised I didn't get walloped for it. I was the only girl in that line up of cousins, as my db and cousins were all boys.

Needless to say, she started to pay attention to me, the very next day she gave me a gold necklace, and money for a pendant. It wasn't quite what I was after. Just weird, maybe she needed telling.

I don't play favorites with my dd's as I said in another thread.

Yup, us too.

My BIL's two children are the favourites. Our children are not.

MIL gives regular overnight and daytime childcare to my DNs. SIL's mother does the same. SIL is a SAHM but has regular support from either side on 5 out of 7 days of the week. (Plus emergencies.)

Meanwhile PILs have not seen my kids for 5 months. FIL has only seen my 9 month old twice ever. They say that we don't need help (we both work full time) because we handle everything ourselves. Yes, we do, but it doesn't mean we don't want them to visit or show interest. We have to be organised with childcare because we work, but it is very very hard. We don't expect free childcare so we have taken care of it, but that doesn't exclude parents from helping if they want.

The bit that really upsets DH is not so much the help - that bit could be marked down to proximity and circumstances and PIL not appreciating that giving one child money/practical help and not the other feels unfair.

It's stuff like MIL not being aware that our 9mo can stand up, crawl etc and she keeps telling how DN1 is a genius. If my DS1 (aged three) has started to spell out words, then so can DN1, even though he can't walk or speak yet. She never texts DH except to reply to his texts telling us what DN1 has done with no questions about our DC.

I wasn't so bothered until MIL spent several hours telling my own DM about DNs achievements. She didn't even focus on the grandkids they share as "she doesn't see them much". My DM was stunned as before the DNs were born, her and MIL chatted lots about our kids.

The worst thing is we get on well, I like my IL and I thought they liked me. My DCs love them so much. SIL and BIL are always moaning about how much the IL annoy them and I find it so hurtful that I try so hard to have a good relationship, encourage them to see GC and yet my kids are still second best.

Rant over. No advice sorry. I veer between wanting DH to say something because otherwise it will fester and letting it go past and hoping it will improve when all the DC are not so small.

My DC's GM on their dad's side is like this.

She only had one child (DC's dad) and was always disappointed she had a boy.

Consequently my 'Sophie' is my own DD while the DSes don't get a look in.
She constantly buys things for her and nothing for the boys (they all went to look round a toy shop for ideas for Christmas presents and DD came back with 2 new cuddly toys, colouring book and pens and a couple of other things whereas DS1 and DS2 got nothing as 'they didn't want anything' - DS1 is a very articulate 2 year old and I doubt he wanted 'nothing' and DS2 is 11 months old so he can't exactly ask!)
She also outright ignores DS1 when he speaks to her, which I hate.
I've pretty much tolerated it until now but have basically said if it continues her contact will be limited and any gifts bought unfairly will be shared amongst them.

Strangely enough DD understands about the unfairness and last time voluntarily gave DS1 one of the cuddly toys.

Yes, we have that too.
My brother's daughter is the favoured gc and My youngest dd is the same age. So whenever I start telling my mum about dd, she replies with "Sophie does this that or the other".
Whenever she visits (rarely as we live abroad) she looks at all the toys and things and then Sophie gets them too.

On the other hand, when my little one has read to her my mum only said in a general statement how clever "those little ones" are, being able to learn to read at 5. (Sophie hasn't started school yet as it's the norm there, she'll start next September)
She couldn't bring herself to praise my daughter. I made sure I did in front of her though.

Last time my mum visited over dd's birthday she started off about Sophie, at every given opportunity until I told her that it is very sad for my dd that her gm doesn't spend the little time she sees her playing with her. My dd even said "Sophie isn't here" once. fgs even she realised what was going on.

My mum didn't even appear at dd's birthday party, which was held at our house. She said she snoozed on the bed and forgot the time. Well, only completely unconcious she could have missed 13 4-5 year olds in the house. She just isn't interested and we live with it. It's her loss really.

Yep me too. I have two Sophie's ( BIL daughters). Last night we called MIL and discussed Sunday dinner at hers next week and he first comment was, ' well the Sophie's are on holiday, so they won't be here.' (in a what's the point way)
Never mind she will see our children whom she hasn't seen for a month

I was the Sophie in my family, my grandparents always favoured me over my younger siblings. I was always painfully aware of it and while I loved them dearly, it caused me a lot of pain and tarnished the relationship.

It was partly due to circumstance as I had lived with them as a child and they had been a key part of my childcare and as your SIL's DD is spending more time with your MIL she has that closeness, so I think you could address it by arranging more contact, possibly even as a foursome sometimes when MIL is caring for DN? But if this doesn't help then some frank conversations may have to be had or it will be horrible for both DD and DN in years to come.

Ugh, horrible!

My ILs have five GC and I think MIL might secretly favor my DS, but she never ever shows it. My own mother, on the other hand, only has two GC (my DS and DD) and I think she will need talking to at some point. She told me before DD (6 months old) was born that she would always favor DS (he is 6 year old) because she'd had so much more time with him and really she didn't know why I was having another because "you already have a perfect DC."

So far it's been all right (especially as she and my dad live five hours away) but if it ever becomes a "thing" I will definitely say something.

We have the same. MIL and FIL live practically next door to BIL and SIL and 'Sophie'. Constantly babysitting etc etc and we live an hour away with our DS. All we ever hear is how marvellous Sophie is blah blah blah. I really feel for DH because he does notice it and occasionally will say something but it never sinks in and so generally isn't worth it. You have my sympathies, and everyone else with the same situation.

Yep another one here.
Our Sophie is definite surrogate daughter, holidays, presents, clothes, days out. This year there's been two holidays each over £1000 for 'Sophie's' ticket alone. Presumably the other grand kids will have that put in their account?! [hmmm]

Same here SIL DS is 'Sophie' - I even send pictures of my 10week old DS2 to GM and she only responds with - 'oh he looks so much like Sophie!' Grrrr!

SIL lives closer (we live 2hr+ drive away) and GM provides childcare and look after Sophie all the frigging time (in a slightly weird overbearing way IMO) so it is all we hear about. Yet they have decided to come and see us for less than 24hrs over the festive period, apparently trains were more expensive to go back on the sunday (they weren't, we checked). they have also decided to come down on a day when DH is in work - weird as he has two weeks off!

Drives me mad, I think DHs parents don't realise what they are doing but they are placing a wedge between my DH and his sister because the favouritism is so obvious.such a shame.

No advice, we just grin and bear it really and try and rise above it.