Sleep struggles..please help

[IndecisivePramBuyer81]

So we have a dummy problem and self settling problem with my 23wk old DS that has been going on for 8 weeks now

With the dummy, he usually settles himself to sleep pretty well, but 8 wks ago I started finding myself replacing the dummy around ten times a night. I usually ended up caving around 3am and brought him in with me. DH has been on the sofa every night since and I don't sleep properly once DS is with me.

We started holding him to sleep, pulling out the dummy just before he fell asleep about 2 wks ago (thinking we'd tackle the dummy association first then the holding) which worked beautifully for a while with him not waking til 2/3 however that ended about a week ago and he's now wide awake in the middle of night and won't go back to sleep.

So I figured we had a self settling problem too and started trying to put him down awake, then taking the dummy out however that fails spectacularly every time as it just wakes him up again. It just won't work at all. I was trying this for an hour the other night and ended up holding him again.

Last night I held him to sleep with no probs but he woke at half eleven and I spent the next 2 hours trying variations of holding him and leaving him in his cot, pulling out the dummy and but no sooner was I in bed than he's crying again. I tried bringing him in with me until he was asleep and putting him back in his cot with the same result.

So I don't really know what to do anymore. Leaving the dummy in gets him to sleep but means multiple trips for dummy replacement, holding/pulling out doesn't stop the night waking, and putting down awake and pulling out doesn't work at all.

He's been in his own room for month now and I don't think he's woken up in there the following day! !

We've been using a Sleepytot for about a month now before anyone recommends it - complete waste of money as he plays with it and ends up pulling the dummy out every time. It hasn't helped at all. I've also got No Cry Sleep solution which I'm using but not sure what issue to tackle first

Any help would be appreciated. .at the moment DH and I are really struggling to cope and wondering why we thought having a baby was a good idea

Oh you poor thing you sound so low.

Sleep deprivation is hell and it's hard to see an end to it, especially with your first DC.

Are you feeding when he wakes? Could he be failing to settle because of hunger?

When he's wide awake at 3am do you need to go to him? Is he crying or just chatting/grumping?

I would ditch the dummy personally. Introduce an easy to find comforter. Take it in turns to have a night off to recover, preferably staying away with friends or family. Adjust your expectations.

Have you tried wake to sleep if waking times consistent?

If money isn't an issue consider a night nanny to get sleep back on track.

23 weeks is still quite little really. DD is 7.5m and is only now starting to settle well at night (just 1 or 2 wakeups rather than 5-6). I have the advantage that she's DC2 so i know it will end and the desperation you feel now will be barely remembered in a couple of years when you're proudly watching their first nativity play. Parenting gets much easier once they sleep a bit better. Hang on in there. Being a mum is amazing fun but IME you only start to see that after the first 6-9m are survived!

Is there anything you could do to improve your sleep if he's in with you? I'm a path of least resistance kind of person so if it works for him I'd be looking at ways to make it work for both of you. eg if you don't sleep because you have to hold him to stop him rolling off push the bed against the wall so he can't, or take the side off his cot and put it up against the bed so he's in his bed but in with you at the same time, or put the mattress on the floor.

The most important thing to remember is that this will pass. Although it may feel like it, you won't still be rocking him to sleep when he's 18 (although he may still be giving you sleepless nights).

Thanks for the responses both.

We stopped feeding him at night some time ago as he was only taking 1-2 oz. I figured that if I could get him back to sleep without feeding him, he couldn't be hungry? I've tried feeding him a couple of times since to see if it's hunger, but it hasn't helped and he still only takes an oz..

When he wakes, he cries eventually. I don't go to him unless I have to but I know that once he's awake, I'll be up and going in eventually so I can't get back to sleep.

Westie I'm starting to realise I'm a path of least resistance person too! But I determined don't want to cave as co-sleeping isn't what we want in the long run...actually the things you're suggesting would be difficult in our house too lol..I might go out and get one of those bed guards though.

I try not to be so worried about it but both myself and partner suffer with anxiety and it's causing so many arguments on top of general sleep deprivation that something needs to be done! Am just gutted we have such a challenging LO

I inadvertently decided after the 3rd wake up at 10pm last night that we're ditching the dummy as I'm convinced it's the main culprit.. I was then up from 4am 'til 6 trying anything but the dummy to settle him! Now I've started I'm sticking with it...cold turkey dummy removal support thread to follow!!

Thanks for replying to my thread and sorry to hear you are having such a tough time with sleep as well. I hope it IS the dummy, and removing it removes most of the issues. It sounds like it could if your LO isn't hungry either.

Sorry it's causing arguments too, sleep deprivation is so tough, much tougher than I imagined it could be, I didn't know what an impact it could have and how stressed it could cause me to feel :(

I felt / feel like you about co-sleeping, like maybe we'll look back in a few months and say 'Remember when our only problem was ss / dummy, now he'll only sleep in our bed' etc. BUT I do need to sleep, and so does he, so am giving in the odd night and do feel better for it. My H is firmly of the opinion that I won't be able to manage to make changes, ditch the dummy etc. when I feel like a zombie and I think he's right. It is so, so tricky though.

Just remember to enjoy your LO as much as you can in the day and try not to feel like you have a 'challenging one' - from what I gather from friends, all babies go through these tough stages, and if people say they don't they are probably fibbing. It is hard though, much tougher than I thought it would be and we waited a long time for a baby - plenty of time for me to do my homework!!

In my zombie, busy, stressed state, I will try to check in to see how it's going with you x

Last night was a bit easier. I fed DS at 4am and he had 4oz, settled for ten mins or so but the then woke and I ended up giving him water too wouldn't go back to sleep without rocking/jiggling.

I thought 'ah ok maybe he's hungry then' but now I'm struggling with his morning bottle - he usually has 8oz but stopped after 4oz. We've coaxed another 1 into him.

What do you think? seeing as he still didn't really settle, I'm thinking just giving him water probably would have had the same effect and I don't want to get in a cycle where he actually needs night feedings when I know he's capable of sleeping without!

samjammy By 'challenging' I just meant I was hoping for a baby who napped well and slept better like I did when I was a baby apparently! He's amazing and I love him more than anything still can't believe I made him in my tummy lol