Defiant 3 year old

[shamble]

Apologies if A) this topic has been done to death here, and B) if this ends up being a rather epic OP. If it is, here's the crux of the problem: my 3 year old wrote the MN rule that "no" is a complete sentence. What do I do?!

I know he's discovering the joys of independence, is pushing boundaries to see what happens, and he finds the attention given to his 14m brother difficult. But seriously, I'm going to ship him to the North Pole soon, one way ticket.

Potty training seems to have sparked a lot of problems, and I think it's partly that the whole poo thing freaks him out, and partly it's a control thing. But when he needs a wee/poo and is refusing, his behaviour gets terrible.

I reinforce all good behaviour madly, with lots and lots of verbal praise and kisses and cuddles (although TBH he's not so keen on those). Bad behaviour is more tricky: immediate consequences work well, but aren't always available. So "take your plate and cup to the kitchen please" at the end of a meal is invariably met with "can't", "no", "I'm busy, you do it". After breakfast or supper I can threaten the withdrawal of his Peppa Pig episode, which leads to desperate tantrumming and screeching but eventual reluctant compliance, but at lunchtime I have nothing to threaten him with, so he doesn't take his plate.

Hitting/pushing/kicking/whatever his brother is another big problem. No matter how I deal with it, he gives me a smug look and clearly doesn't care. I ask him to kiss and cuddle him, and say sorry, which he usually will do, but beyond that and a telling off, I'm stumped. Time outs really don't work - he sits quite happily wherever I plonk him and then comes back and does the same thing.

He always used to be the child who was pushed/attacked by other children, but my goodness now the shoe's on the other foot. I had a friend round recently with her two similar aged boys and he spent the afternoon attacking them in an increasingly frenzied manner, and NOTHING I did stopped it. He's not great at being cooped up indoors for long, but seriously, one hour's playdate.

I feel completely impotent at the moment, and like he's the one in charge. And he's totally aware and is making hay. Please, any help.

I read your post last night and felt instant sympathy, I have a threenager too!

DS is 3.6 and dd 7m.

We have good days and bad. Hunger, tiredness and boredom make it 100x worse, so I try to fix those before they happen. It's been much worse since preschool started, where he is absolutely angelic. The teacher says it's common for them to let go at home after having to be so controlled all day.

I'll suggest a few things that work for us, but tbh I think there is an element of surviving some days without murdering the little beasties

Physical exercise every day (I think of DS being a bit like a puppy in that regard!).

Praise good behaviour, as you do. Consequences for bad. Sometimes this involves making up a consequence - could you help mummy tidy up please so we have time to open a pack of stickers for your album? No? Oh well, we'll put the stickers away for another day. Could you come and brush your teeth quickly please? No? Oh well, that's a shame I was looking forward to a nice long story tonight but now there won't be time.

Making him laugh works. Mum I want that dinosaur/game...(in shop). Oh it's lovely isn't it, I wish I had a giant dinosaur, or I wish I had a giant chocolate dinosaur. Usually met with I want that one. Get increasingly ridiculous, I wish I had a moon to hang in my bedroom and shine all night... By the time you get to the 3rd or so he'll be joining in and it gets v funny.

Getting him to make the choice. You need to get dressed, would you like to put your trousers or vest on first/wear the red or green top... Or, hmmm this table is very full of dirty dishes, how can we fix this, could my superhero boy suggest what we can do? Oh, could you show me?

Always being polite yourself, to your DH and the DC. They will mirror you.

With the hitting, we've been relatively lucky but when it happens I shower dd with cuddles and over the top fuss and completely ignore DS. Then I say to DS, we must use gentle hands, let me show you, can you try, that's lovely, that makes mummy and dd very happy to see your gentle hands.

When possible I ignore tantrums, and never give in to them. Even in the middle of tesco, I just loudly say, I can wait all day, let me know when you're ready to carry on with the shopping (so the other shoppers don't look quite so horrified!) and then I wait.

When I've had enough and nothing else works I use 1,2,3. Consequence at the end if possible, but if it's descended into chaos I'll pick him up and put him upstairs behind the stair gate, as much for me to cool off as him. He hates this and is pleading a tearful apology within a minute.

When I'm time pressured (getting coats on for school) I'll use a sand timer and say, can you get ready before the sand runs out? Make a competitive game out of it.

Books I've found useful are:
[[
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1386577619&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+and+listen+so+kids+will+talk How to talk]]
No cry discipline solution
Peaceful parent, happy kids

And for the pooing issue:
Little mole
Everybody poos
Plus a stash of chocolate buttons, one for a wee, two for a poo, as an immediate reward.

Having said all that, I have horrid shouty mum days sometimes, especially when I'm tired, but I make sure I say sorry, and I make sure we always go to sleep happy.

Don't know if that epic reply will be of any use, but you have my sympathy!

All that and I forgot the most important bit!

Some 1 to 1 time with older dc. Off to the park, play in the garden... Wherever dc2 is not within sight or sound.

Barberry thank you SO much. so many good ideas there, you are utterly brilliant. thank you thank you thank you. I'll give some a go and let you know how we get on!

sorry, posting in haste as I wrestle with two small boys. will digest your brilliant post later when they've gone to bed for the night.

Also, (sorry for fragmented posting my brain doesn't work coherently anymore!) i avoid afternoon playdates. DS is just too tired and it almost always becomes hideous. I've also recently started accepting that the 4-6pm pre bed hours need to be spent vegging in front of the tele. Its all he can cope with, and do you know, that's fine.

Barberry just wanted to thank you again, properly, for taking the time to post so comprehensively. You sound like a super-Mum.

I'm getting a sand-timer - great idea - and I loved the problem-solving ideas (table full of dirty plates) and ridiculous game of I wish I had a... All will be perfect for DS1. He definitely needs to be run ragged like a puppy every day. It's trickier in winter.

The 1:1 playtime is something I really struggle with, as DS2 is always there, whingeing, hanging off me and trashing everything we're playing with. Doesn't help that he's not well at the moment, but DS1 and I don't really ever get any time alone together, except at weekends if I ask DH to take DS2.

I've started shifting my focus when DS1 hits DS2 and we'll see how that goes. I also give him stickers now when he has looked like he was about to hit DS2 or when DS2 has provoked him, but he hasn't hit him. He earned 6 stickers yesterday alone!

The poos are still a problem. He only poos at home in front of Peppa Pig. We were at a friend's house yesterday and he was actually in physical pain. He can't wee when he needs to do a poo as he's terrified of letting the wrong muscles go, I think. His poo horror is quite strong. I always announce when I'm going to do a poo, let him come along, and then let him flush it. The joys and glamour of motherhood

I think part of the problem is that I expected it to be considerably easier by now (delusional), I'm really tired, and some days I want to do a Homer/Bart Simpson "why you little..." throttle throttle throttle.

But thank you. Such practical ideas, brilliant.

Great advice from barberry. I also offer to race ds upstairs if he's stalling. Turning stuff into games is a lifesaver. Also try picking something he likes, eg peppa, and make everything about that, eg who can take the peppa plate into the peppa kitchen and put it on the peppa table for me? How will daddy pig be able to wash up if he can't find the plate?

I do the homer/bart throttle behind the door when only dh can see me. I have also been known to stick two fingers up through the wall. It's a good release and because it's so immature I end up laughing instead of getting too wound up

Glad to be of help shamble. I've found loads of good advice here over the years. I too struggle with the 1to1 playtime and have been guilty of using naps to catch up with jobs, but I've learnt DS really needs that time.

I believe the poo withholding is pretty common. I haven't had to deal with it myself but it's definitely worth a specific post to ask for help, or have a look in the archives. Are you sure he's not at all constipated? That can be a common reason.

Hope you get to see some results soon.

thanks rumbelina. I do a lot of inappropriate hand gestures and facial expressions when the dc can't see glad I'm not alone!