mum on the edge

[yaffle]

Help I've really had enough of my children, I seem to have turnd into some screaming wailing banshee incapable of dealing with the smallest demand. I'm sorry if this seems over dramatic but things have really come to a head, today I took my youngest to town to buy my middle daughter birthday present and he insisted on walking (not a problem thought I - easier than trying to force him into the pushchair while he's doing his whirling durvish special) all was fine unill he threw a mega strop (star fish position on the ground)and refused to budge. So I scooped him up kicking and screaming in one hand pram in the other whilst balencing shopping ,with him still demanding to walk- i made the decision to give to terroism (bang goes my career as a un negoitator- ). Anyway to cut a long story short I completly lost my temper and ended up shouting at him (to make matters worse this happened in the road where i live) cue nosy neigbours to tut very loudly. The trouble is this isnt an isolated incidence i feel like I've got into a vicious circle. I feel like such a failure as I cant cope with my toddler, but I also feel incredibly guilty. I don't have any real support from family and my friends either have older children or none. I feel to embaressed to go to toddler clubs as I know he'll play up and I really couldnt stand the pitying looks. I really do not know why I'm finding it so difficult , he's my third so I really should know what I'm doing by now (my others are 8 and almost 5, my son is 20 months). I just feel like everything is getting on top of me, my house looks like a pigsty, feel like i've lost my identity completly and I've just hit the big 30!!! I'm sorry for waffling on, I must admit its helped to write it down, if you've made it this far thank you.(Apoligies for the typos havent managed to figure out spell check yet!)

Hi Yaffle, sounds like a s* day! Those starfish tantrums are something else aren't they?

For a start, hard as it may be, sod the neighbours and what they think: bet they would have damn well shouted too! We all lose it sometimes and it's completely understandable and normal. It's part of being human.

I think you should bite the bullet and go to some toddler groups. I bet you won't get the disapproval you think you will since everyone will have been there/had the same problems - your son doesn't sound exceptionally badly behaved. And you might well get some friendship and support, I know I did. I didn't know anyone before I attended one and I'm so glad I did. If you don't like the first one try another if you live in a big enough place.

And YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!! You didn't abuse, abandon, drug or otherwise mis-treat your son, you just lost it in the street like we all have at some point. (well, I most definitely have, anyway! Have heard myself shrieking "I WILL CANCEL CHRISTMAS IF YOU DON'T STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!"

And if your house is a pigsty, perhaps you could lower your standards for a bit and try not to worry about it? There's a funny story about a woman whose cleaner found a mouse on another thread somewhere, I'll see if I can find it for you. As for your identity, you don't say what the problem is exactly, so don't know if I can help, but 30 is really young! HTH

The story about the mouse is under the topic Parenting/feel overwhelmed and is Pamina's post a bit down.

Yaffle, you poor thing! Does sound like a crapola day from hell. If its any consolation I have a toddler who now only wants to eat chocolate mousse and hasn't eaten anything today apart from a few odd bites of marmite on toast. After the most colossol tantrum from hell tonight where he refused to eat anything and just wailed 'chocolate mousse,chocolate mousse' at me,loudly & continually (for I kid you not 45 minutes),I put him to bed with a story and bottle of milk and no supper. I strangely don't lose my rag with him, I didn't shout, but I still feel pretty awfull about him not having had any supper. I know its my fault for having the darn chocolate mousse in the darn fridge in the first place, but a girls gotta live a little, right? It was for ME! Anyway, Just to say, you are so not alone, it can be hell but it'll be alright in the end. Get down to those toddler groups and don't worry if he creates a scene, they all do! By the way, your starfish tantrum really made me chuckle, you've still got your sense of humour so it can't be all bad!

Thanks for the reply, sorry the bit about feeling like I'm losing my identity was a bit wooly,I think I got myself into one of those "oh my god I cant cope with my children, my house is a mess, my life is a mess I'm a mess i wish I could turn the clock back kind of frame of minds. do you ever get those days where you feel like everyone wants a piece of you and there's nothing left over for yourself.
Hmm I think you're right today was a s... day, cheers again.

Jessie, chocolate mousse, the boy's got taste lol,sorry you're litle bloke is giving you a hard time, they really know how to do the guilt trip ( I have this theory that the placenta is replaed with a hefty injection of guilt)don't they, but well done you for maintaining control- I'm sorry if that sounds patronising. Actually can't take the credit for starfish position, think it coms from diary of a little sod by Simon Brent, although you could argue that its a variation on the old how to prepare for geting a toddler dressed advice dished out to expectant parents getting an octupus into a string bag with no tentacles outside. HHm maybe this could become an olympic sport with marks given for technical merit and sheer stroppiness. As for not losing my sense of humour, its amazing the pwer of a good whinge, I fel a lot beter and even better still they're all asleep.
Wickedwaterwitch, thanks I will read the posting.

Jessie, chocolate mousse, the boy's got taste lol,sorry you're litle bloke is giving you a hard time, they really know how to do the guilt trip ( I have this theory that the placenta is replaed with a hefty injection of guilt)don't they, but well done you for maintaining control- I'm sorry if that sounds patronising. Actually can't take the credit for starfish position, think it comes from diary of a little sod by Simon Brent, although you could argue that its a variation on the old how to prepare for geting a toddler dressed advice dished out to expectant parents :getting an octupus into a string bag with no tentacles outside. HHm maybe this could become an olympic sport with marks given for technical merit and sheer stroppiness. As for not losing my sense of humour, its amazing the power of a good whinge, I fel a lot better and even better still they're all asleep.
Wickedwaterwitch, thanks I will read the posting.

Yaffle - have definitely been there, so please, please don't think you're on your own. Was only thinking this morning about why do we only shout when we're angry so that's all the neighbours hear? Why don't we shout with happiness and at the times when we are good-enough parents so they can hear that as well?

Agree with what's been said about ignoring neighbours - you're not abusing your child or being a bad mother just human. If an adult behaved like that you'd feel pretty pissed off so you're bound to when a child does as well.

I can remember my daughter, when she was about 2 refusing to put her shoes on or go in her pushchair. "Restrained" row ensued in shop, obviously (never somewhere quiet) - shoes or pushchair. In the end strapped her into pushchair from which she managed to untangle herself and throw herself on the floor in front of some pensioners, to be greeted by "aargh, is she alright?" Like I bloody cared at that point!

Yaffle, I hope today is better for you. Yes we've all been there and had the pitying looks etc. However not everyone will be tutting! I can remember having the day from hell a couple of years ago when dd did the star shaped tantrun thing in the middle of our local high street. I just stood there trying to ignore the child and pretending to ignore all the looks I was getting when this elderly lady came up to me, smiled and said 'Well done, stick with it you are doing the right thing'. At which point I promptly burst into tears at her kindness, but she really helped boost my ego. Stick with it and good luck.

Yaffle, can I ask if you elder two are girls. The only reason I ask is that I found I was having a bit of a problem with my son who was about 3 at the time. At that time, I had an elder girl 4 years older. When I took him for his 3.5 year check, the HV asked if I had any concerns about him. I said the only "problem" I had, if you can call it that, was about his behaviour. He was boisterous/full of energy/no fear, etc. etc. Not really naughty, but just continually pushing his luck.

My HV knew I had an elder girl and said that, because my first born was a girl, I really should stop comparing the two (even though I wasn't aware that I was comparing them) as she said boys are totally different from girls and it takes them until the age of 5 (or even 7) to learn the social skills (i.e. knowing how to behave in public).

He has just turned 5 and is the most dear child (although still rather lively) but I just say to people that he is "full of character", has a great personality and is full of life. He is no longer "naughty" and does now listen to me when I ask him to stop something that I know could end up with him injuring himself (i.e. recent incident of him playing on the stairs when he slipped, hit his head on the radiator and had to have stitches!). He no longer plays on or near the stairs.

Yaffle, I only have one ds and he is relatively well behaved most of the time (see how I had to qualify the well behaved twice?!) and I still have loads of days when i turn into evil screaming creature from hell instead of the sort of patient angel who knows how and when to distract her child in order to avoid tantrums! I think anyone who has more than one child is performing a miracle by just surviving and I fully understand the bit about losing your identity - but only you can claim that back by insisting on and getting "me" time.

Good luck.

Hurrah! had a lovely morning with ds, he's back on form and eaten loads of HEALTHY food (guess he's hungry after no supper last night!). Threw away the chocolate mousse, somehow it had lost its appeal after yesterdays tantrum. Have resolved never to buy them again (or get a seperate fridge with a lock on it!)

Hi thanks for all the words of encouragement,its nice to know I'm not the only one out there ( I knew I didn't have the monopoly on bad days and toddlers from hell, but sometimes it sure does feel like it).
Bumblelion I've think you've hit the nail on the head,yes my other 2 are girls, and they were whingers/sulkers rather than squirming starfishes. Although saying that dd (version 1) did once have a sit down protest in the local supermarket, so I decided to sit down next to her hmm can't see the parenting gurus recommending that as an effective course of action (in case you were wondering this was met by a withering look from dd and she got up instantly, parental embarrassment starts young!!)
Talking of parenting gurus, had to have a wry chuckle to myself as I recieved a parent talk newsletter today. Anyway better sign off, thanks again.

oops meant to add, its lovely to hear about people's good days with their children, sometimes its easy to get bogged down with the negative. Somebody once said to me that we can be our own worst enemies and forget to give ourselves a pat on the back when things go well, apoligies if that sounds like a meaningless platitude, but the sentiments there.

Yaffle, should have seen me yesterday in McDonalds - 2 yo dd decided to lie on floor screaming (because I refused to allow her to run off while I queued). I hauled her off the floor several times, as her coat, then cardigan slid up her arms and off over her head, she howled, I growled, (having lost my voice due to severe laryngitis!) people behind me stared ... In the end, having tried pinning her upright against the counter with my legs while saying to the helpful assistant, 'No milk? No water? Oh, well, orange juice then ... Oh sure I don't mind waiting for the chips ... No I don't think we'll eat in today thank you ...' I let her slide down into a howling snotty heap on the floor till the order was (finally!) complete, then handed my son the two happy meals, grabbed my own food plus two drinks in the other hand, placed darling daughter under other arm like rugby ball and headed out the door. AND NO ONE MOVED to let me past while she flailed and screamed and kicked out...
I'm sure everyone thought I was mad and indeed I felt it. We were all suffering from lack of food and sleep but at that moment, I just didn't care what anyone thought!
Today she was a little popppet and danced around my neighbour's house in a yellow fairy dress making me cups of tea ... what can you do??!
PS. Do they learn that starfish position in secret baby classes??

Inkpen, I've been there today!! With my nearly 2yr old dd. Decided to take both kids to a wacky warehouse nearby and meet a friend there, unfortunatly after we had gotten out of car and into said place we discovered it was totally packed with standing room only.
Realising this was a total no no ,I promtly left, which of course resulted in tantrum from hell from dd.
Can't really blame her as the poor thing thought she was in for a lovely little play in the ball pool.
Spent 10 mins trying to strap her in carseat.
It was arching back, tears, snot ,the lot.
The wind and rain where howling around me as i was bending over trying desperatly to strap her in.
In the end we drove 5mins up the road to macds and it was chicken nuggets all round back at home.

My ds's are now 6 and 4 and fortunately we now rarely have these situations but i just had to write and say what a great chuckle i had at all your postings, not that i found the situations funny (having been there myself many times before)but just the way you all put it down it really does cheer a woman up to have a good laugh.lol:0 :0

should have been sorry