Violent 15 month old! Help!

[SpanielFace]

DS is a big strong 15 month old, on the 98th percentile. He's not yet walking but is very much becoming a toddler in every other way - very keen to explore, test boundaries etc. He does understand "no" but doesn't necessarily obey, which is pretty typical I think.

The main problem I have is that he likes to hit, scratch, bite and pinch - me, DH, other children, even the poor dog if he gets a chance (thank goodness she is very gentle, but I never leave them alone together). It's not done in anger but for fun - he cackles with laughter while he's doing it, absolutely full of glee, and no matter how often I say "no, you don't bite!" etc it seems to make no difference. If he does it to me, my usual approach is to say "No!" loudly, and if he persists to put him down and turn my back in him, which occasionally bothers him, but usually he just crawls off and finds something else to do, and obviously it's not always practical in a public place.

Any tips for managing this stage? Feeling quite sore with scratch marks in my cheek after this morning!

Could he need more 'positive' attention eg does doing fun messy painting together and focusing on him help? It's the only thing I can think of and probably no help but as he's enjoying getting a response /reaction I wonder if you can channel this to better activity. I feel for you as must be tricky! And perhaps he'd be like this at a playgroup too. Sorry no help

Our DS1 (now 18 months) went through a real hitting stage around then.

With regard to how he was towards our three cats, we would take his hand and show him what it meant to stroke them gently (sometimes stroking them with the back of his hand to avoid the temptation to grab) and every time he went near them we'd just remind him to be 'gentle'. He learnt really well actually and is now lovely with them - although two avoid him when at all possible, the deaf cat is oblivious to his screaming and excitement so is his best friend

With regards to the hitting (us or the cats); whenever he hit we would hold his arms very gently by his side, get down to eye level with him and say calmly but firmly 'no, we don't hit'. If he did it again, I would repeat this and then ignore him for a mental count of 30. Hitting was the main problem - he never really scratched intentionally, although he did bite during breastfeeds when he was younger and teething. When he bit I would just say 'no, we don't bite' and then put him down for a count of 30 or so and then try the feed again. He eventually started to twig that this was a consequence of the hitting and started coming over to cuddle me during the 30 count. Cuddles were of course very welcome . Then, he just seemed to learn it was easier to drop the hitting than have to expend the effort in trying to 'make up'

The other thing that really helped deal with the hitting was watching for the triggers - it was worse when he was tired, hungry or overexcited. We tried to be really on top of getting him down for naps, offering snacks or distracting as appropriate if we could see things heading down the wrong track - he hasn't hit intentionally for weeks and weeks now so it does get better.

Try to keep calm, keep consistent and keep an eye out for triggers so you can take appropriate evasive action!

Good luck!

IMO it's the loud no reaction he's doing it for. I used to calmly stop and say, hitting/scratching isn't kind we must use gentle hands like this (demonstrating stroking his arm). Then immediately distract. If DS did it again I'd just get up and walk away (if out put in buggy/trolley and try to just chat to whoever i was with).

It's hard when you want to shout no really loud!

Oh and lots of praise for gentle hands at any other time.

My 15 month old DS was exactly the same. He is so much better now. He is my third and has definitely been the wost for it.

Telling him "no" firmly, then "don't hit/bite/pull" followed by what you DO expect. So for example when he pulls DD's hair for a reaction I step in and say "no, ah ah, Gentle" and stroke her gently. Then I might say "nice (DD's name)" and kiss her. 2 minutes later he has his head against her saying "awww" followed by a kiss! She then gives him lots of attention automatically.

So you are telling him what you don't like followed by what is expected from him then in turn he gets bigger reactions from us and the kids for his cuddles and kisses.

Tonight we were invited into the neighbours for mulled wine and mince pies. The room was full of kids and adults he doesn't know and he went around stroking and kissing legs for attention - which he got plenty of :)!

I have done this with all 3 DC's and it really is effective. I done it when DS1 loved to squash the cat!

worst

The no wont work - it's a reaction which he wants. Work on telling him what he should do instead and give big praise for that. We use "gentle" a lot in our house!

Thank you for all the replies - i'm glad we're not the only ones with this issue! I think I've been inadvertently rewarding him by my reaction, haven't I? Northeasterly, the comment you made about "triggers" rings very true - we were out at a Christmas fair this morning with friends and he was overdue both lunch and his nap, and overexcited by the crowds - my husband was carrying him as he'd been objecting to being in the backpack, and he was almost manic, grabbing DH's cheeks and digging in his nails, and giggling hysterically every time DH said "No!".

I think I'm also guilty of leaving him to it when he's playing nicely and independently (as I tend to use those times to get jobs done - obviously still in the same room), but then jump on him when he's harassing the dog, which is obviously rewarding it... I'm doing it all wrong aren't I?!