Help I don't enjoy being a mummy

[lilycat]

Does anyone else feel that although you love your little one to bits, motherhood just isn't what you thought it would be? I seem to have become locked in a cycle of resenting the time when little one is awake and dreading him waking up. Don't get me wrong, I love him to bits and he constantly amazes be but I just don't feel good enough for him. He goes to nursery 2 days which he loves whilst I work (trying to run own business) and I would love to put him in more but can't afford it. We try to keep busy otherwise he gets very fractious but I worry that he feels my frustration and plays up. My concluding thought is best summed up by when other mums say its the best thing ever to be a mum, I just don't get it - help!

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lilycat, you are SO not alone in feeling like this! There have been quite a few threads on this subject, I'll post links if I can find them. Hugs (())

Definitely not alone. I feel overwhelmed by being a mum sometimes, and sometimes think I am not cut out to be a mum at all tbh. However, I love them all enormously, and just have to accept that I am not cut from the cloth of what I perceive to be a conventional mum, and give myself a bit of slack.

twiglett, he is 19 months....

I'm a 'hate playdough and painting' kind of mum. Ds loves playdough, and I keep putting him off...I just look forward to next Thursday when he starts pre-school for 2 days a week. He can do all that stuff there!

Lilycat - no you are not alone. I felt the same for ages, but ds (now 2y 7m) has recently become such great company that I am really enjoying being with him. He has such a little cheeky sense of humour, and he loves making me laugh. How old is your ds?

Just saw your post...19 months. Ds was a nightmare at that age. They want to do so much, but get so frustrated. I can honestly say that ds has only been so enjoyable since Xmas. Before that, I really did sometimes wonder what I had done!

lilycat - is there an age of children that you like? I know that I'm not especially a baby peson but like kids who interact and you can do things with. So when I'm haveing one of my 'why does everyone else seem more like/enjoy more being a mum than me' moments - I just think well that's because I'm more an older child kind of a person and I just haven't come into my own yet.

I don't know if that makes any sense but it makes me feel better

BTW I think you're very brave to admit it.

I do remember a very good thread in the past where some one asked whether you would have had your baby if you knew what it was like - you're not alone!!

Motherhood wasn't for me either and I would gladly let anyone else take my child so I could have some ME time. I felt very selfish and went along the route of spoiling him rotten out of guilt. The good news is that my expectations were so low with my second that every day is a joy. He's fourteen weeks old now and I adore him. It also made me a better mum to my first.

You are certainly not alone with feeling the dread of an awake child and the next twelve months will be really hard. But you get through it and one day, I guess it just clicks.

Have you tried a mother and toddler group? Wacky Warehouses often run them in a morning. Then your child should sleep all afternoon and you can unwind. Plus you get to play in the ball pool!

Pipbeckett
Big problem with the whole idea of a second one, I just don't want to. The thought of going through all this again is too much.
The maddest thing about that is that I fell pregnant by accident and miscarried in dec, but am honestly relieved that I am not havng another but then why feel upset when friends talk about expected babies. The whole situation seems mad, not happy with a child, not happy without. Can't face another child as I can't face the one I've got. Don't mean to sound totally negative!!!

Hey, I hear you loud and clear. You sound just like me. I went for a very long time without knowing what was wrong. In the end it was hormones. Believe it or not, getting pregnant balanced everything.

I understand totally that you're not ready to have another. But having the decision taken away from you is something else that is hard to deal with. You are going to be upset when other people are expecting. It will seem like everywhere you look there's someone with a bump.

I wish I'd found mumsnet when I was in a bad place. I went for three years being told I'd gone through an early menopause. Tests, fertility treatment and then adoption forms. All while still not being a loving mum to my son. It was only when I let it all go that I relaxed and guess what, within four weeks of stopping the adoption process I found out I was pregnant.

Perhaps you should speak to your GP. They check your hormone levels with a simple blood test. I don't recommend the health visitor. You'll end up filling in one of their post natal depression questionaires.

Know you'll get through it. I really struggled and my mum practically raised him. But she was right with what she said. It didn't matter who made him happy as long as someone did. He's five now and I've been close to him for about twelve months. He doesn't remember anything different. Mummy's always been this way. Your child won't remember either.

I think Motherhood is something that has to grow on you. You give up such a lot and it's a shock to the system.

Oh, Lilycat, I do know how you feel. And I also know what you mean about not feeling good enough for your children. Parenting and childcare are hard, hard work; small children are demanding and frequently (as John O'Farrell points out in his novel The Best A Man Can Get) very boring. I love my children from the top of their heads to the tips of their toes but they drive me banananananas, and I sometimes dread the Fridays we spend together.

It's not always like that by any means. But no, you're not alone.

I completely understand how you feel. One thing I have learnt - mainly through this site - is that it is ok (in fact, normal) not to be completely enamoured with your offspring 24/7. Having a child is an enormous change in your life, as well as an enormous burden of responsibility and guilt. I hated the first 6 months and couldn't imagine having a second child for the longest time. DS is now 2.5 and it is a lot easier than it was, infact I am desparately TTC (not very successfully, but that's another story). Do you get any help from a DP/H or family? Would having some more "me" time help you to break that cycle of resentment?

My mother, who looks like a stereotypical 'earth mother', v. curvacious and domestic etc. found when she had my brother and me that she was not at all maternal and frequently tells me that she felt like she was going mad being home with 2 little kids all day. There was no real child care options available for her in her day and she had no family nearby, my dad out at work long hours etc. As a result she was extremely bad tempered with us, occasionally violent. I remember it v. well, we were rather afraid of her. But she sort of warmed to us both as we got older and our relationship developed and as a grandmother she's really lovely. The strange thing is with me, the opposite to her in appearance and domestic ability have found myself madly maternal. I adore my dd (17 months) and can't bear to be apart from her. At the same time I also know now how hard it can be sometimes and how I miss my 'old self' and being spontaneous etc., and I understand more why my mother must have felt like she did.

The mums who love motherhood will openly talk about it - those who struggle with it from time to time may keep this 'guilty secret' to themselves. That's why you hear more positive experiences of motherhood than negative ones.

I'm ambivalent about motherhood - sometimes I love it, very often I resent it (although like you love my child to bits).

I am reading 'Three shoes, one sock' at the moment and the author notes that depression amongst women with children under 5 is very prevalent and is attributable to the exhausting process of looking after pre-schoolers

lilycat, could you not take the pressure off yourself, by deciding that you might not have another child, and then just see how you get on with ds for a while before deciding?

lilycat, hugs. Hope all these replies help you see that whether you are working outside the home, AT home, or not in paid employment, children do drive their mothers nuts and make their lives hell. It is normal to feel like this at times and as handlemecarefully says, you're not allowed to say it out loud.
Janstar's idea of cutting yourself some slack on the when/if to have another is a good one. For various reasons, there is just over four years between my two and it is a very manageable and pleasant gap as it turns out.
And if you had a miscarriage in December then, as PipBeckett suggests, getting your hormone levels checked at your GP's could be a very good bet. Losing a baby can play havoc with your system long after the "obvious" symptoms have ceased.
Oh, and they are horrid little pickles at 19 months. It got better and better and better for us from 2 onwards.

Lilycat with you totally on this one....on the way to work this morning thinking what a cr*p mother I am and how I really shouldn't have had ds. I feel, like you, that I don't give him enough attention and stimulation. I find him hard work, never was into babies and that hasn't changed. I sometimes really resent him...as for having another.....

Ditto ditto ditto! Lilycat, I had a nightmare with ds between the ages of 14 months and about 22 months. Knackering and depressing to the point where my GP said I might have had undiagnosed PND and sent me to a counsellor. He had always been a sweet baby and good natured, but wanted entertaining all the time and once he started walking he was into everything and an absolute liability. He was also late to talk (for which, of course, I blamed myself) and so we could hardly communicate which made things even worse. It was SO hard, and I felt that I had ruined my life, signing up to this. I longed to work more (like you I do 2 days a week) and be a grown-up, but couldn't afford the childcare. But gradually, it changed. Ds is 3 now and hilarious (although there are still days when I would like to hand him to a 24 hr nanny and go running off to Bermuda), plus we have a dd who is 9 months and a very different deal, much more able to entertain herself and I'm loving having her around.

I think janstar's right - take the pressure off and don't think about a 2nd for now. The only thing I would say, about having a 2nd, is that your children can then play with each other. I have a great friend who only wanted one child and wanted to devote herself entirely to that one child but she did admit to me once that it was hard because when her daughter needed a playmate, it always had to be Mummy (unless she had organised a friend to come over) as there was no sibling around. Having said that, she can travel easily with her daughter, they have a wonderful relationship and both mother and child are very happy. Good luck and don't feel bad, you are normal, normal, normal! Everyone has to find their motherhood style and you will find yours.

Lilycat, I understand completely how you feel. I went through a nightmare during the first year of dd's life ... I didn't enjoy her one bit and I was full of guilt because I wanted her so much and she was the result of years of IVF. Anyway, things have improved since then (she is now 3) and although I still feel as if she is draining every last drop of resource that I have so that there is none left for me, I know that I won't feel like this for ever and she will get easier to be with. That all sounds pretty negative when I read it back, but I don't mean to be. I love her from the bottom of my heart and the feeling I get when she comes and gives me a big hug and says 'I love you Mummy' just makes it all worthwhile.
I have learnt (with the help of a therapist and ADs) not to beat myself up over the way I feel about motherhood - we're not all cut from the same cloth and some of us enjoy some bits of it more than others.
Just take care of yourself, cut yourself a bit of slack and rest assured that you are SO not alone. Hugs .. CM

wilbur, I think there can be problems whatever number of children you have. My daughters have done nothing but fight and bicker for the last 11 years and only now are beginning to co-operate. My sister and I were exactly the same.

Lots of people have babies because they feel as if others expect them to, or that they would be selfish not to. IMO there are far too many unwanted children in the world already and I don't think anyone should have a child unless they really want one.

Lilycat, It sounds as if you are under quite a lot of pressure, juggling your business part-time but it not making money (YET!, which alos makes it hard to recognise and enjoy your achievemnts. I found it really hard to feel pleased with myself at the end of a day looking after DS, and it is true that many of the tasks involved in looking after children are quite simply boring!

Is it possible that you have been a little bit depressed since you had your DS? It is very easy for this to creep up and very hard to acknowledge that it is a possibility. Might be worth a chat with your doctor...(I am NOT saying that women who find motherhood hard are bonkers and need medication to make them 'normal' ....I'm someone who has discovered that depression had taken root as a result of pregnancy)

Oh yes, I agree janstar - I didn't mean to sound like I thought lilycat must have a second at all, it was just that my friend made this point recently and it was something that had never occurred to me - that occasionally, one child can be more work than two. But I would never suggest trying for a baby when you're ambivalent, just in case it might make life easier. I agree with you about bickering sisters (I am one too ), but I hope it isn't sexist of me to wonder if it isn't different with boys? Or a boy/girl mix. I know they can be just as awful to each other, but the constant sniping and belittling seems to be less of a feature between brothers. Better duck now as mothers of boys all throw their hands up in horror at my naivety.

Lilycat I'm so glad you posted. I too had an accidental pregnancy which ended in an m/c just before Christmas. Since then I've been battlng with the relief I felt at not having to cope with another baby - DD is almost 2, but like you seeing my friends pregnant with number two makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing in actively not pursuing another baby. My DH made a suggestion that we should just put off thinking about it now - that's it's too soon after the m/c. Don't know if I'll feel differently eventually but at the moment a holiday from decision making is just great.
With DD I too have days when I think that I just can't face a whole day of childcare but I find it's usually to do with the transition from being out at work mummy to at home mummy. Half way through the day I realise that I'm actually enjoying myself (a least a bit most times!) I think quite alot of the stress is down the anticipation and making the transition - because I don't care what anyone says - looking after little ones is so much harder than anything else.

I think we all get this hazy mist when it comes to being a mummy, we have babies/children that don't cry, sleep all day and night and never have tantrums and eat everything. In reality it's bloody hard work. I for one found it quite a culture shock. DS is 2.5 and it's only now that I've really, really started to enjoy him. I love him and always have done, but now, I enjoy him as well.

Try to have some 'me' time, even if it's having a relaxing bath, when your DS has gone to bed and make time for YOU then hopefully your day won't be one where you're dreading him waking but because you are not feeling deprieved of your own time, things might appear better.