Getting 3 year old to stay in own bed all night

[littlemissblue]

I have a 3 1/2 year old DS who has always been a bad sleeper. Until recently he would get v upset if I left him at bedtime to go to sleep by himself and wanted me to stay in the room with him.

I have managed to stop this though and he now goes to bed around 7pm and I can leave the room and he'll go off by himself.

Recently dropped his nap so he's going to bed earlier than before which works well for me as I'm 31 weeks preg.

He wakes between midnight and 4am every night though and cries for me in his bed (daddy won't do he gets hysterical if daddy goes not me) and wants to come in our bed. I have been giving in as he goes straight back to sleep in bed with us until around 6am.

However with new baby due in Feb I feel he needs to stay in his bed all night now but not sure of best way to go about it. I'm so tired I hate the idea of hours of crying and battling with him but I guess that's inevitable??

Anyone been in this situation? Have tried the gro clock but found it lit his room up so brightly it woke him properly when he went into light sleep (even on dimmest setting). Do I just need to tuck him back in explain its still night time and he needs to go back to sleep in his bed and leave? Or stay until he goes back to sleep again? If I leave him and he screams should I go back after a few mins?

Hoping after a few nights of hell he'll get the idea, but he's a sensitive soul (esp with baby coming) and will pull out all the stops to make me back down - scared, thirsty, pull up leaked, mummy I need you etc etc and I'm so hormonal I'm worried if I can do it!

Dh works 5am - 10pm in London so won't be able to help me inthe night as he needs his sleep, plus DS gets more upset if he goes to him in the night.

Any advice welcome! Sorry it's so long :/

Lavita it's so hard isn't it - I wouldn't be doing it if DD wasn't due in 8 weeks, even though I sleep much better without him in the bed!

Dh got home early and is just putting him to bed, fingers crossed it's a better night than last night!

Just to say, you're doing really well OP, pp was right, it was never going to be good every night straight away, it's always 2 steps forward, 1 step back with young un's but that doesn't mean you're not making progress (praise yourself as well as DS for doing well on those 2 nights).

And think of it as 8 weeks to crack it - which is a long long time, childrens' habits break much quicker than that, you just have to stick in there.

I'd forgotten all about the horrors of sleep deprivation until DS2 turned up and we had some nights when he was awake from 10pm to 7am when DS1 would wake up... However, you do get through it, it doesn't last and once you've had DD, you'll have much more energy (on top of which, as you'll be up most of the night it'll be easier to deal with DS1 as he won't be waking you up (just trying to see a bright side here, not meaning to be flippant :-)

Thanks, I'm really hoping DD will be a better sleeper than DS, I remember being up feeding him for 5 hours at a time in the night (very low milk supply it turns out!) and he had reflux so would only sleep on my chest!

Will try to bf DD but won't beat myself up if I need to switch to bottles, going to do what is best for us all at the time.

As you say 8 weeks is a long time to sort DS, and I'm probably expecting too much too soon from him. It's a real anxious trigger for me (his sleeping) as it's been a huge issue ever since he was born and I guess I've always felt ashamed I've never managed to crack it!!

littlemissblue - how did it go?

Just to say, having babies/toddlers/preschoolers who don't sleep well isn't a reflection on you, some kids just dont' sleep well until they're older. DS1 was a very poor sleeper as a baby/young toddler, but when he was 2.5 yrs he started sleeping through and now I sort of forget how bad it was (rose tinted specs and all that).

A lot of folk have babies that naturally sleep well, and most people I know who have a baby/toddler that sleeps well did some form of controlled crying (usually cry it out) - that's not a path I wanted to choose (although I did used to think about it, but ultimately I knew I'd never do it).

I think they get there in their own time (which can be a bummer for us parents!) Here's hoping your little boy gets there before his sister arrives.

FWIW, DS2 is 6 months old now and since the day he was born has been a better sleeper than DS1 . He doesn't sleeep 12 hours or anything (that's fantasy land to me!) and has been a bit disrupted this last 6 weeks or so (colds, teeth etc) but even then he's still better than DS1. I reckon if you get one bad sleeper, your next baby should be easier (otherwise it's just not fair! )

Well it was better than the night before, he woke at 1.30am and let me tuck him back in and went straight back off, then he came in at 4.45am all wet where pull up had leaked :/ changed him and tucked him back in bed, expecting a fight as near to getting up time, but after I sat with him for 2 mins I left him and he went back off til 6.30am :)

I feel fluey today and he's very snotty so hoping for an easy day!

That sounds like definite progress to me, reckon a fluey/snotty day will require some vegging out time for both of you in front of the magical box of lights and sounds... (maybe even with chocolate )

Yes we are watching ET and DS has been eating chocs off the Xmas tree haha.

Supposed to be going to see Santa this avo....hopefully we'll be upto it!

another one here who would let him stay in with you,my5th is dueany day now and my 3yo dd is going nowhere fast lol.i co sleep til they want their own bed though so will have both with me.

Have you tried the 'sleep fairy' method. You buy loads of bits from the £1 shop and you tell him that if he doesn't wake you up a night then in the morning the sleep fairy will have left him a present under your pillow.

I would explain that if he is sick, wet etc. then it is ok to wake you but otherwise he has to stay in bed and not wake you for the sleep fairy to visit. He is old enough to understand and IMHO old enought to self settle.

Been reading this thread with interest, so pleased it's worked op. Felt a bit sick reading about all these parents happily or miserably cosleeping with their toddlers, sat here looking at my 6 month old non-sleeping baby and feeling horrified at it stretching out forever... I don't think I could ever do controlled crying but if the other extreme is to cosleep with a child old enough to walk and talk, yikes.

Am watching with great interest - lots of good ideas here, thank you everyone!

DS is 2.3 and I'm 19 weeks pregnant. DS has always been a bad sleeper (reflux until 18 months!) and has been in and out of our bed since he was 8 months, when I gave up through exhaustion.

He's been sleeping with me (DH is in DS' single bed) since I got pregnant because of severe "morning" sickness meaning I couldn't face getting up in the night (DS gets hysterical if it's DH - always has done).

We're planning on using the Christmas holidays to get him into his bed (DH and I both work FT in high pressure jobs) and to stay there. Not sure if bribery would work - DS doesn't like chocolate and even refuses biscuits if he doesn't want one!

Sticker chart might work. Think I might have to get tougher but it's so hard.

apocketfulofposy - i don't sleep well with him in the bed though, there just isn't enough room for dh, heavily pregnant me and a tall 3 year old who likes to lie horizontally across the bed with no covers on him, so we get kicked or head butted in the back and freezing cold! Obviously if we all slept well it would be the easiest option but i'm fed up of it!!

Lifetooshort - he can't be bought i'm afraid :/ he would prob like the idea when we suggested it in the day time but when its in the night it wouldn't occur to him and he would rather be in our bed to anything tbh - we've tried similar things before.

purrtrillpadpadpad - 6 months is still very little hopefully your baby will settle down and sleep on their own soon. There are other methods to help them self settle - no cry sleep solution for example but it didn't work for my ds and it takes a lot longer to implement than controlled crying.

TwoThreeFourSix - i agree its very hard to get tough but to be honest once i had started the first night it wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be and easier to stick too than i thought too. the thought of it is much worse! Once you've started you need to stick to it though else the tears will have been for nothing and it will be very confusing for dc. I wanted a magic solution but after 2 easy nights then 2 challenging ones i guess it's a learning curve for DS and that won't happen immediately. hoping by xmas we might have pretty much sorted it! Everytime he gets up or cries i tuck him back in, stay for a min telling him calmly it's just bedtime and time to sleep in his bed and then leave. The consistency seems to be paying off!

FurdyCone - all i can suggest is every time he comes into your room just take him straight back to his bed and tell him he has to sleep in his bed until morning, then either stay with him until he's asleep or leave and return if he comes back or gets very upset. Really hard but i doubt he'll start staying in his bed out of choice unless you intervene!

Thats interesting - DS also sleeps horizontally (DH isn't there) and also hates the duvet! When we settle down to sleep he sometimes even objects to me having the duvet which is very annoying!

DH isn't yet convinced DS is ready to sleep in his own bed. He says its not much fun for him in DS' bed (not compfy) but that it's miles better than 6 months ago when we were woken 6 times a night and I spent all night getting up.

We will either try this holiday, or wait for me to go on mat leave at 33 weeks (standard mat leave in this country) so I don't have to go to work the next day!

Hi OP just wondered if you'd rules out reasons for waking? Is he potty trained? Do you lift him for a wee at the same time you go to bed - he might have a low level awareness and need a wee.

Other things to consider - if he snores then rule out enlarged adenoids as it can cause sleep apnea meaning he can't quite breathe properly. The other thing is whether his reflux still bothers him - I give mine a sip of peppermint tea on occasion before bed as we got unsettled night with ds for these sorts of reasons.

He is potty trained in the day but wears a pull up at night, we lift him when we go to bed and he comes in to tell us he needs a wee in the night.

It's def not reflux when he used to have a nap he'd nap all afternoon without waking if we left him! Plus when he sleeps at my parents he sleeps through every time!

Doesn't snore either. When he's in our bed he's happily sleep all night long and not wake, he's just a very stubborn and willful child in general!

If he doesn't want to do something we have to be very firm / use naughty step to gain back control. He's very clever too, if I ask him to eat 5 more mouthfuls he'll say ' or how about 3? ' he can negiotiate very well. "I'll go help daddy make a cup of tea and he can bring you a biscuit, and I can have one too!" Etc

We just have to be very firm and consistant with him, it's very wearing!

Hi OP my DD is 3.5yrs same problem almost exactly for about 6 months or so.

Just this week we have done a reward chart (homemade about fairies). If she stays in her room all night she gets a sticker, after 10 stickers she gets to pick a toy at local shop. We are on day 8 and she has slept through every single night! We are amazed. She has totally bought into it. When she goes to bed she says 'I'm going to get another sticker' when she wakes up she calls for us and says 'I've done it'.

I am not a fan at all of reward systems. The only time I've done it was with potty training. That worked like a dream too.

I have also drummed into her that things she thinks she sees in the night (shadows) are not real and she is repeating it back so I think that has also helped.

I have had the same with my DD who is 3.2. I have unashamedly used bribery. 'If you stay in your own bed all night you can have a sweetie'. On the nights she doesn't, I don't mind her coming into my bed, but she gets. I sweetie. She knows this and most nights she sleeps on her own bed and gets very excited that morning when she wakes up!

The 'sweetie' by the way is a chewable multi-vitamin

That's meant to say no sweetie, not Isweetie!

My dd was like this. She always slept loads better in our bed. When she was around 3 I would say that she has to stay in her bed and that if she lay quietly I'd go and kiss her in 5 minutes. I would tell her I'd only go in when she was quiet for 5 mins. I then had to keep myself awake so that I could go in to her after 5 mins. I just went in, kissed her and said I'd be back for a kiss in 5 more minutes of quiet. It didn't take long before she'd go back to sleep after a couple of visits and then eventually I'd just go in, reassure her we were all still here and she'd go back with no more visits from me. She's 7 now and still a terrible sleeper really, but she does stay in her own bed all night at least!! I probably could have done it quicker but I didn't want to have her crying herself to sleep.

When we had this issue we found rewards of toy cars worked well. Also I found the groclock too bright but put a lamp on a timer and explained it was morning when the light came on.

Hi littlemiss, sounds like it's going relatively well :) just to reassure you you're not alone - the night before last ds was in with us from 2am, but then last night was the first night ever he has woken but stayed in his bed!! Dh still had to go in, but it was a new one on us.

He's had a bloody awful day of tantrums today (my one day with him) so we'll see what tonight holds...dh has had to resettle him once already. He took about 90mins to go down at bedtime too... Can't wait til there's two of them!

Hope your night is going well.

I haven't read the whole thread as am in a bit of a hurry, only read the first page, so I apologise if this has already been said. Just thought I'd mention this re the brightness of the gro clock. We also found it way too bright but realised that you can actually switch the brightness right down to 'off' I think it might be '0'? So the clock face is basically off through the night until the sun comes up and it lights up. We don't use the blue stars function at all, DS just has to wait until he can see the sun.

another in this same boat while pregnant with dc3 my 2 year old dd was okay as theough the night as she slept with me and dh and still breastfed her to sleep tried to wean her she wasent have none of it anyway now baby number 3 is here shes worse then ever dh is doing the night time with her but she now wakes several times a night and even gets up by 6 in the morning so sadly im no help but im watching this thread and glad to see im not the only mummy going through this