DS 4 was told by his teacher that he's going to die

[SaltyandSweet]

We live in Switzerland and my 4 yo DS goes to an English language preschool. His teacher is a lovely English lady and DS loves her and school generally. Wednesdays here are no-school days until you are 7 (I think) so DS is home today with me and his little brother. When my youngest was having his nap, DS asked me (out of the blue) whether he was going to die. He said his teacher had told him he would. He asked whether children die too.

I will admit to being caught totally off guard and my answer was pretty cobbled together (not religious, we're not) but I tried to reassure him that he would live a long and happy life and death is a part of life but not something he needs to worry about. He then told me that he didn't want to die as he would miss me, with wobbly mouth and eyes welling up. I chickened out from telling him about parents dying. We've been lucky enough to not have had to deal with the death talk (obviously, from the crap way I handled this) and whilst I was mentally penciling it in as something I should bring up, it was not going to be right now!

I couldn't get much out of him about the circumstances of his teacher telling him he "was going to die" but now I'm wondering whether I should ask her or is it normal for death to be brought up so young? My instinct is that this is too young but I could be being overly precious. Also, what should I say to DS about it? My youngest woke up from his nap and interrupted the conversation and DS is now playing happily. Any advise most welcome. I feel really upset actually, I feel blindsided by an important issue and I failed the test

I will be taking the kids out soon, but thanks in advance for any replies, I will be back asap.

I'd ask the teacher for the context. As always, be calm and polite but find out whats gone on. Conversations with children can go off in very odd directions, and, as you were caught on the back foot, perhaps the teacher was too. And it may not have been something your child said - she may have been responding to another child. Get the full story and then decide where you take it from there.

Also, when she was 5, my DD1 had a terrible fear of dying - tears, melt-downs, the works. We have no idea what set it off (no family bereavements, pets dying or anything) it was just something she was trying to get her head round. It passed. In direct contrast, DD2 matter-of-factly suggested to my dad 'Grandad, you're older than Grandma and other Grandad. You'll probably die first, won't you?' Fortunately, my dad is quiet matter-of-fact himself, and just said 'Yes, but I'm not planning on it anytime soon!'

I would talk to the teacher if you are upset as it will likely clarify what was said and put your mind at rest. If the topic came up and lots of questions were asled then she was going to have to deal with it and may have said something along the lines of everyone dies eventually, but usually when very old.

This is what I have always told ds, from younger than yours as we had a few family breavements before he was 4. I told him we all die eventually but it is usually when you are old. He knows that sometimes children die, but I said it is very rare for it to happen and that most people live a long life. I am not religious either so no blow softening here about heaven. We talk about nature and animals, how things have a life cycle and live, do their intended job for the planet/eco system and then die. He understands and accepts it all well.

Thank you for the replies. I do think what poledra said about context is the key, and I'd like to know how DS reacted in class. I think I'm upset mainly at my answers to him as I was taken very much by surprise - the conversation was not at all related to death! He also got upset very fast once I confirmed that we do indeed all die eventually, I think he was hoping I'd say that was nonsense or something. I will speak to the teacher tomorrow for context. Thanks for the tips on how to better discuss death too, I feel very unprepared

I think it's likely it came up in another context. Maybe a child's lost someone, I don't know. My kids are 5, and certainly at 4 were asking lots of questions about death (a friend of mine died of cancer). I always told them that we all die, usually when we're old, but we don't know when - so it is not seen as a massive, big deal. I try not to link it with ghosts or anything scary or weird - just a fact of life really, like babies are born.

Dd has never been worried about her own death, but often asks when I will die and seems anxious about it. It's got better recently and the other day she mentioned, very matter of factly, "When I'm a grandma, you'll be dead." I said, "Probably." And that was that!!

I think it is important that children understand the truth and yes, some children will die. Too many people are (in my opinion) far too 'precious' about this sort of thing. Maybe use it as a good introduction to have the 'death talk'.

We have, sadly, had a number of bereavements in our family, including children and my DS has had no alternative but to understand the concept of death and funerals.

I think too many people are uptight about discussing death.

Merry - my DS is quite upfront about asking DH and I about our wills, inheritance and life insurance .

He's clingy now and whilst playing just now has asked a few more questions like whether everyone will die, will he have to blow his nose when he dies (he hates blowing his nose) , will he die soon, and he's reiterated that he doesn't want to die and he wants to stay in his house forever. I think it is throwing me especially as most of his questions are about his own death and not death in general or in relation to someone else. I really feel so unprepared for this conversation!!! Thank you all for your insight, it does help

Ragwort That reminds me of the day I was walking ds back from school nursery class and he said " When Daddy dies, or you, whoever is first can we go to Disneyland?" Nice to know what I am worth!

I can't imagine she just brought it up out of the blue- more likely either your DS or another child asked a question. My two are 5 and 3 and know about death from their grannie passing away. They know that if you are very old or very ill you might die, and are actually quite matter of fact about it now, although DD1 did go through a phase of saying 'I don't want you to die mummy' and getting quite upset about it. I am not religious either but I have told them that their grannie is watching over them, and they seem to like that.

Difficult... Yes I'd go with the you die when you are old and your body " wears out and doesn't work any more.

BUT it's also surely the age that you start talking about " don't run into the road or you will get hurt and you might even get killed " type stuff and they will see/here things on TV or discussed by adults too.

Your thread title is a bit sensationalist...
Calm down. Every child has a watershed moment when they realise nobody lives forever; if he's obsessing about it he's probably being wound up by your over reaction.

Thank you for all the stories of how kids react, definitely made me smile! DS is the sort to take the time to absorb by himself so additional out of the blue questions on a topic are the norm.

I have had the don't run into road conversation but death wasn't mentioned, more that you'd be hurt badly. Maybe that was too gentle? I will start talking about death more now and matter of factly, which is my default manner anyway.

Hi floggingmolly, I didn't mean to be sensationalist, I wrote in the spur of the moment when I had a spare minute and I was more questioning whether I'm being idiotic to not realise that such things come up at this age in school. I guess I always naively assumed he'd bring it up with me. I'm not blaming his teacher at all. She is fabulous. I also didn't overreact - er, only on this thread - in front of DS, I was very matter of fact. Saved the crap I screwed up moan for here

Children of 4 experience bereavement, so it's not that much of a shock that one might talk about it at school. Be warned that one of the teachers' might get pregnant or another child has a new sibling, and the teacher will be explaining where babies come from too

We've had the babies talk lilyaldrin , he was unimpressed

unfortunately we had a few bereavements in our family (including a child) when DS1 was quite young so we have had lots of chats about death and what we believe.

I have always been very open and honest and talked about what I believe but also about what other religions believe and then I ask him what he thinks. He has come up with some really beautiful thoughts about where the spirit of his baby cousin went.

On a lighter note he did say, very solemnly, to me the other day 'Mummy, I am going to do something really nice for you! When you die I am going to write a book all about you'

I can see how it would upset you, but rest assured the subject of death and dying will repeat many more times and you will have learned from this first time experience and the wisdom of some kindly MNers!

I've always been pretty matter of fact about it with my DS who is only just 3. If he asks why someone's crying i've explained it's because they're sad that their dog/ cat/ loved one has died, which means they're not here any more and can't come back. I'm hoping that in introducing this idea to him while young, he'll more readily accept it as he gets older and it doesn't come as a shock because he'll have been told it many times over the years. It has helped that he's known pets who have died.

I would just answer his questions as matter of factly (and generally) as possible: everybody dies one day. Most live till they're very old. Yes some die younger. We don't know when people are going to die etc. and for most it won't be for a very, very long time. It's hard if they ask specific questions about their own mortality, and i'm not sure i'm really prepared for that, but i do think it's a part of growing up that needs to be dealt with even if it makes them sad for a while.

I would also just have a nice chat with his teacher about the context and her previous experience of dealing with these questions.

I agree with other posters - it's worth agreeing with him that everybody dies, because our bodies are only built to last a certain amount of time. The teacher may well have been reading a story where someone dies (all the blooming disney ones kill off the family!!! nemo etc) or another child could have mentioned the death of a relative/animal. I've often told kids "well we will all die one day, just hopefully not for a very long time!" If he caught wind of something like that which was a totally new concept to him and asked "Will I die?" she would have had to say "well... yes, one day!"

We've covered death in this house but bypassed where babies come from. You just follow their lead for when it's time to discuss things, so I wouldn't feel bad about it!

My dd (just 4) has been discussing death on and off for about a year, she seems quite fascinated by it! We are religious so do talk about heaven etc which I think helps. She (and I) are quite matter of fact when we discuss it which helps.
She told me the other day that when I die it will be ok as she can go and live with her older sister (who is an adult). She actually said once "When I jump on your back and it breaks and you die I'll go and live with dd1" Er thanks. I asked her not to jump on my back!

'not here any more and can't come back'.

that is just brilliant, what a good explanation.

Unfortunately my DC's have already lost their Great gran and grandad and they are only 6, 4 and 15 months (and the cat ).

Im not religious but I felt saying that we all end up in Heaven together was a much easier way for children to deal with death. Otherwise it's all too real and harsh I feel.
I also said "oh 'lol' we don't have to worry about it as we have huuuundreds of years until we are all old and going to die.
I even told them that when you get really old you get fed up and are much happier about moving onto heaven.
I remember my Nana telling me this and it making me feel much better when I was around 4.

Kids need information with a little sugar coating on top otherwise it's just too massive for them to deal with.

You will eventually have to tell them that Santa, the tooth fairy and various other nonsense were all a pack of lies so you may as well add religion to the list even if you are not religious!!

There are some films and books which can be helpful - though you need to read/watch first to see whether they'd be good for your particular child at particular ages. For instance, The Lion King (the 'circle of life') ; books 'Badgers parting gifts' and (can't remember the exact name) the one in which Mog dies.

DD came home from nursery when she was about three, asking lots of questions about death and was I going to die? I asked the nursery nurses, who all said it hadn't come up and there had been no discussion at all (not even the stick insect had died).

Then I discovered that the mother of one of the other little kids had died. The staff were sure the children didn't know - but they did.