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Parenting

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Original poster

'Spoiling' your baby

19 replies

exhaustedandannoyed · 03/12/2013 20:48

I am so sick of being told or having it implied that it is my fault that my baby will not be put down. She is only 6 weeks, I have also got a toddler so it is hard, I am bf all night and day and trying to do my best and I am so annoyed with this attitude that seems to suggest I am causing my baby to be 'needy'.

My own stupid husband has just told me that the reason she will not be put down is because I told other people that it is ok to keep holding her when they were visiting as if she is put down she will only cry anyway.

Seriously, she is just like this. I have been trying to put her down at every opportunity since day 1! She cries, I pick her up because that is what she NEEDS. I'm sorry, I think I am just ranting. Even the doctor when I told him that she likes to be held all the time said 'well you'd better stop that or you'll have problems later on'.

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stillhopefulforanother · 03/12/2013 21:11

Please have a quick read of the thread I started called Feeding to sleep at night. You can see my baby takes ALL her naps in a sling as I just don't have the time for anything else. I also have a toddler.

Those who replied were brilliant and really supportive.

Keep snuggling, holding, kissing they grow up more secure this way. They need to be close to their caregiver, it's natural and normal.

Rule number one: don't listen to everyone else and everything sorts itself out in the end.

happydaze77 · 03/12/2013 21:12

Rant away, because you are right and they are very wrong! The idea that you can spoil a tiny baby is bulls*&t.

By comforting her you are meeting all her needs and helping her to develop into a happy and confident toddler. Doing the oppoisite is what will make her clingy and insecure.

A few people told me I had to 'be strong' and gave me the whole 'rod for my back' warning. Even my own gp said I should put dd in her cot, shut the door, turn the monitor off and watch a dvd - dd was only 3 months old ffs!

mrspatpat · 03/12/2013 21:42

Follow your instincts. She is your baby and only you have that bond with her, you will naturally be more in tune to her needs than anybody else. all babies are different and you know your baby better than anybody else.
I have a 7 month old daughter who was exactly like yours when she was small. I had her on me a lot. She had reflux and hated lying down, we had a bouncer that was almost never used. now she is very confident and loves being down on her own crawling away and exploring. don't listen to anybody else, it sounds like you are doing a great job.

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Eletheomel · 03/12/2013 22:00

You can't spoil a baby of 6 weeks, you just can't. You're her mother she wants you, she has a cry that is impossible to ignore because you're meant to pick her up and comfort her.

Tell them all to P**s off, I don't know of any 18 year olds who are still carried around by their mother...

I wholeheartedly 'spoiled' DS1 by never letting him cry himself to sleep and letting him feed at night for way too long (2 years!), he's now a very secure 4 year old who sleeps like a dream.

I am currently 'spoiling' DS2 who is 6 months old, and again I refuse to let him cry himself to sleep and respond to his requests for comfort whenever he makes them. I love having his little chubby arms round my neck.

Babies are babies for such a short space of time (can't believe my tiny newborn is now a 20lb lump at six months) I don't want to be looking back wishing I'd cuddled them more. I'm getting all the cuddles I can steal (don't care about the sleepless nights) as I know fine well that once my boys leave home they'll probably never phone and I'll never see them again (unless they turn up with laundry :-D

tiredteddy · 03/12/2013 22:09

Keep holding her. You are right it's what she needs. She is tiny and the world is big and scary, she just wants to be close to her mummy. I held dd non stop as did DH. She was cuddled all the time. She learnt to sit in cue despite rarely ever being out down. She is now 10.5 months and crawling. She is so confident and secure. She just seems to know ill always be there. She crawls happily and explores and is the most confident and contended of my three cd at this age. All because she will be my last I we actively treasured those early months as they really do fly by so quickly.

Famzilla · 03/12/2013 22:38

Tell them to fuck the fuck off and keep going with your instincts. I think a lot of people offer that kind of advice because they were advised to do it against their will and need to validate their choices somehow.

Honestly I never put DD down to cry. I cuddled her to sleep, I cuddled her awake, I cuddled her whenever I could because she is my baby and I love her. She's only 8 months now and doesn't want to be cuddled half as much, she is so independent and just wants to crawl around an explore. I think it's because she knows she is loved and is confident in her worth (already!). And I think that is because of how much DH and I have taught her about what it is to love and be loved in return.

I sound soppy but I don't care. You can't spoil a baby. You can however neglect one.

MummyBeerest · 03/12/2013 22:41

My DD is 16mo. I've been told she's spoiled since the minute she was born-almost literally. My mother wanted to be the first to hold her

I don't care. I'd rather her be spoiled with love than insecure because of indifference.

Jackthebodiless · 04/12/2013 00:45

Spot on Famzilla, I hardly put ds down for the first 6 months, he's now left home and only 'needy' for laundry visits and the usual. Anyone who suggested I put him down soon backed off when I turned the tiger-mommy face on them.

clairikins · 04/12/2013 01:07

The one thing I will say about parenting is that you CANNOT cuddle your baby too much, especially a newborn. And you CANNOT spoil a baby with love and attention.

Ignore. Your baby will grow up all too soon and you don't want to miss out on this time

Original poster

exhaustedandannoyed · 04/12/2013 08:47

Thank you for all these encouraging replies! What you are all saying is what I believe, I have been cuddling my baby all morning in bed and getting the most amazing big daft smiles from her. I don't care what anyone says, this is what she needs.

Thankfully the one person I am not getting this attitude from is my own mum as she had a similar sort of a baby (my sister) and honestly she is one of the most lovely people I know and was a very easy child and teen.

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FlossieTreadlight · 04/12/2013 08:53

So glad you got these lovely messages. Just to add my 2p - you're doing everything right. Snuggle, cuddle and love as much as you can and as a wiser poster above said, everyone else can just fuck the fuck off

NoIHaventHadTheBabyYet · 04/12/2013 09:00

You cannot spoil babies. They need us, I pick my baby up everytime he makes a sound anything like a cry.
I want to look after him so he trusts me and feels secure and safe.
I have six children and I did this everytime. They all turned out fine :)

ColdTeaAgain · 04/12/2013 09:05

Another 'baby spoiler' here - fed on demand, often naps in my arms (while I have a cuppa, bliss!), or in the sling if I'm busy, co sleeps when she's feeling a bit poorly and needs extra cuddles. It just feels right. Just keep doing what you feel is right and learn to smile and nod - a lot!

MadMonkeys · 04/12/2013 09:08

A sling might help. Dd2 spent a lot of her first 3 months in a moby wrap so she felt cuddled and i had my hands free to deal with dd1. The 'rod for your own back' brigade are incredibly unhelpful. I fed dd2 to sleep fir all naps and sleeps and there was no shortage of people who disapproved of that. But now she is 14m and self settles every time. Ignore them and do what works for you. Some babies can wind down by crying and others just get wound up by it. And that changes as they develop. Go with what you know works.

Original poster

exhaustedandannoyed · 04/12/2013 09:25

Thanks, yes I have a sling and she really loves being in that so I put in there when I am trying to do stuff or going out and about with dd1. It's funny, I think after dd1 I thought maybe I should do things differently this time around as we seemed to have bad nights for so long but even she could be put down once she was asleep and would happily carry on sleeping for a couple of hours. This is another level!

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matana · 04/12/2013 10:18

Fuck 'em all. You're developing a lovely, close bond that will make her feel loved and settled and one day in the not too distant future she will be ok going to other people or being put down because she knows you'll always be there. It's called attachment ffs! 6 weeks is so tiny [goes all misty eyed].

You are doing absolutely fine. Your DH needs to get behind you and trust your instinct.

Slings are great. If my back could take my 3 yo in a sling i'm sure i'd still be using one! The cuddles are all too rare these days!

Allegrogirl · 04/12/2013 12:10

Ignore them. My DD1 ended up in a sling because she had reflux and it was the most comfortable for her. DD2 2.10 months was and still is a total cling on mummy's girl. I couldn't stand to hear her cry, DD2 couldn't bear it either so I just carried her. It meant I was hands free for DD1 who was never jealous or resentful as long as DD2 was quiet! DD2 is still clingy at 3 but she is loving and adorable I wouldn't have it any other way. I went back to work at 6 months 1st time and 8 months second time so cuddles are extremely precious for reconnecting after the working day.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

GPS, HVs, GPs, Frineds can say some silly things. I'm sure they're just trying to help but it's not their business how much you pick up your baby.

itsagruffalo · 04/12/2013 13:01

You are right - and your baby is lucky to have a mother who puts her child's needs before everybody else's 'expert' opinions :-)

PumpkinPie2013 · 04/12/2013 18:04

I agree you are doing the right thing!

My little boy is only a week old but we are cuddling him to sleep and at other times and feeding him on demand. We never leave him to cry. His crib is as close to my bed as I can get it and I love that we can see eachother.

The result is he is actually very chilled and when he wakes up he doesn't really cry he just makes little noises that say 'I'm hungry' (very cute!)

I'm sure it's because he knows we'll be there for him.

Friends of ours have a little boy who's 10 months now and they were the same. Their little one is also very content.

Enjoy your little girl and sod everyone else xx

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