How to talk to our Pre-schooler about death

[Paulacarl]

My MIL is very ill at the moment and may not be with us for much longer. My older little boy is 3 (nearly 4). He knows that his Nan is poorly and that his Dad has been going to see her a lot. I'm worried about finding the right words to tell him about it if / when she passes away. It will be his first experience of losing someone. We aren't church goers so talking about going to be with God, or being in heaven wouldn't have much meaning for him.

Any experiences, advice, links to helpful web pages would be very much appreciated.

Thanks

watching with interest, I'm in an almost identical situation, but with my Nana. He is also nearly 4.

That mils body has lived a full life and it worn out and broken so needs to be recycled. She will be all around us in the plants that we see and that her love will live on in our hearts. Any use?

DS is 3.6 and he remembers our cat and mil dying and frequently asks about death. We're both atheist so can't use the heaven explanation.

We went with circle of life. People/cats are born and love wonderful lives (playing this up a lot with the fun things he did with mil and cat) and then they get very poorly and tired as they get older and sometimes they die. When they die they don't feel poorly anymore but their bodies go away and become part of the grass and trees and flowers. We can't see them anymore and we'll always miss them but its important to remember the wonderful fun we had rather than just be sad.

Autumn has helped a lot. I point out the leaves which have died and how they fall down and then become part of the earth again.

It is hard without the heaven concept. And so important to not associate sleep or being a bit poorly with death of course!

When he says he misses granny i just say yes i do too, she loved you very much, when you were little she used to...(insert happy memory). So he's learning to associate her with good memories rather than the concept of death.

Don't know if that helps. Sorry your mil is so poorly.

Your DS may be old enough for books too. There's a couple called badgers parting gifts and goodnight mog i think which are supposed to be excellent and non religious. Sorry can't link on phone.

Sorry it's goodbye mog not goodnight. Amazon have both.

Hi, my dc were 7,5 and 3 when my Gran died. We are Christians so we used that imagery - in some ways it's harder, ds (5 at the time) kept asking when she was coming back from heaven, or wanting to visit.

Goodnight Mog is a great storybook covering it well. Most of the other resources we used are probably too spiritual for you.

But for the future and dealing with grief, there's a lovely book called The Heart In The Bottle by Oliver Jeffers (he of "Lost and Found" etc fame) and it's description of grieving by putting your heart away in a bottle is brilliant for primary age kids. He wrote it after his Mum died (my mil knows his family well) and you can tell he understands grief. No use for explaining death, but useful later on.

Whatever you do, be very clear that death is final in terms of seeing her again.

My DSS's maternal grandmother told the boys that her boyfriend went away for a long time. They twigged he died.

THEN MIL gets cancer and had to go away for a long time (compromised immunity so no kiddie germs) and they were devastated.

Thanks for all your thoughts. The Circle of Life idea sounds like a helpful one and I've ordered Goodbye Mog.

I'm worried about how hard it could be for my oh to talk to ds about it when so upset himself. I guess seeing his Dad cry though could actually be a helpful thing - showing him its ok to be upset.

I also recommend the book Always and Forever by Alan Durant, it's perfect for pre-schoolers.

The story is about a family of animals, and one day, the elderly Fox goes off into the forest and dies. The family bury him under his favourite tree and try to get on with life without him, but everything feels gloomy and sad. Eventually a friend comes to visit and opens up the windows, lets some light in, and starts to talk about some of the amusing things Fox used to do. The family start to fondly remember Fox's character, his imperfections and things that made him who he was. They gradually feel better, and and realise that life goes on, yet Fox will always be in their hearts. There's no religious theme, and the pictures are lovely, the language is simple and poignant.

We read our dc's this when they had their first experience of death (not a relative, but a beloved family pet) - at age 3 and 5. They sometimes spontaneously asked for it to be read to them too - I think they found it comforting, and it also opened up a space to talk.

John Burningham's Grandpa is very good too :)

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0099434083

I wouldn't worry about the crying thing OP - I think it's alright for children to see adults grieve - it's all a normal part of the process.