So damn tired - parent of daughter with diva tendencies needs ideas

[vladthedisorganised]

Feeling quite low about my parenting abilities to DD 3.7. She's a bright little thing with a lot of imagination - she's at preschool and is really itching to go to school like her older friends. I work part-time and up to recently felt that this was a good balance for both of us.

We've had a lot go on this year - bereavement, an ectopic pregnancy and a late MC - which have left me exhausted; my dad's health isn't good and I'm trying to juggle being a 'good daughter' to Dad with being a 'good parent' to DD. DH has a stressful job and between that and his sports he is often out of the house (has sports practice twice at weekends), so not a lot of help from him.

I know the playful parenting theory, and it does work to an extent when I focus completely on making everything into a game. Let's play the housework game! Who can do the best dusting? Why don't we have a race and see who can get dressed first? Oooh, I think I'm going to beat you... I bet you can't keep up that sulk all the way through your bath. No, that's not a sulky enough face, I think I can see a smile.. Etc. This works fine, but it takes every shred of energy out of me. If DD has my attention 100% of the time and I'm 100% engaged, all is well and the dreaded TV is not required.

However, if I'm tired (often) and don't have the energy to take the full-on approach (i.e. 'It's time to tidy up' rather than 'Hey, let's play a fun game! It's Lego basketball! Who can get the most Lego into the net?) then DD will either throw a strop or insist on watching TV. I do use the TV as a babysitter for things I absolutely need to do (like take out the bins) but the extent that she is apparently addicted to it scares me - when I switch it off she'll scream "NO! I don't WANT you to switch it off!" and a tantrum ensues.

Trouble is that I feel I can't attend to my own needs at all without a tantrum occurring. I can't answer the phone ('it's the keeping quiet game!'), can't just sit down with a cup of tea ('let's play 'Watch Mummy Collapse!'). DH's technique is just to plonk her in front of the TV for as long as she wants, but I can't really see that as a great solution. She doesn't really like quiet activities like drawing at all and has to be interacting with someone All The Time. (I had to set up a treasure hunt for DD around my dad's house while I was trying to talk to him about his healthcare, which gives you an idea of where I'm at)

Is this just a phase or should I be mainlining caffeine tablets to keep up the play all the time? I know the fact she's ruling the roost means I'm spoiling her, so any flaming will be something my own mind tells me all the time...

Sod flaming you - can we form an orderly queue to flame your DH who is away from the house all week at work, twice at weekends for a sports activity for him and parents by plonking your DD in front of the TV?

could you go to visit friends with small children, or go to a toddler group so you and DD are out of the house together?

whilst I agree that tv isn't the answer, if you are exhausted and need 5 mins for a hot cup of coffee and some peace, use the tv to get that. You are far more use to your family if you get some rest and peace than if you are eternally exhausted.
also second flaming husband, he needs to support you more and engage more actively with your daughter.

My DS talks All. The. Bloody. Time. Even when he's playing imaginative games on his own. So I feel your pain.

What has saved my sanity is playdates with his cousin; I feel I can collapse and be myself at my brother's house, while the two of them keep each other entertained.

It also sounds to me like your daughter has been trained to believe that your single purpose in life is to entertain her, and it wouldn't hurt to gently and slowly disabuse her of that nition

I think you are being too hard on yourself. I would use the tv for short stretches to allow you to do what you need to do or grab a cuppa. Recharge your batteries and then play with her. You have had one hell of a year, give yourself a break! Also agree with the above poster, your dh needs to lay off the sports and give you more support.
Can you get out of the house with her more? Toddler groups, park etc

If your DH goes out twice a weekend to do sports practice, do you have a similar amount of time to yourself each week? try introducing that, even if it's one evening a week to maintain some sanity.

My DH is very hands on (he is at home with my son 2 days a week while I work) and I wasn't happy about how much telly they watched together. I decided to let it go.

k

Agree with tortoise. I don't understand what's wrong with the tv either - obviously, all day in front of the tv is not good, but short stretches watching cbeebies, especially morning learning programmes like alphablocks, numtums, squiglet, etc. are all fun educational things to watch anyway!

I also think that your DD needs to understand that sometimes in the day, she needs to amuse herself while you get on with things, have a cuppa, make a phone call, etc. This is life. You won't scar her if you leave her to play alone (or tv) for a few minutes, and you need to let her get used to that - if you constantly interact with her and make everything a game, she will think its strange when you're suddenly not, iykwim.

Your DH has helped to make this child and yet has somehow got the idea that his interactions with her are only necessary after he's finished his full day at work 5 days a week, and when he's on his way to/just home from playing sport for the other 2.

It's not only the DD who has got the idea that mum is the full time entertainer!

When's your day/afternoon off again? When was the last time that you experienced the amount of childfree leisure time your husband has each weekend (and how long is that? two hours? four?) for yourself?

You sound absolutely knackered and it's no surprise.

I think you're trying too hard. I'm exhausted just reading your post.
For everyone's sanity, you need to get her being a little more independent - yes, she might well throw some tantrums along the way, but hey, she's 3. It's normal.
It is not a crime to have time to yourself, you know. I always viewed it as time well-spent, as I then could be with the kids more effectively the rest of the time. But then, dh was very hands-on.
You need to get yours on-board too.

I'm afraid I'm too angry with your husband to be able to focus clearly....

What happens if you do just leave her without the telly on? I have found that my 2 do complain loudly but get on with something else if you leave them long enough (always a tiny bit longer than you think you cab hack).

I think you get used to not being able to leave them alone when they're tiny but now she's 3.7, I think it's fine to say 'I'm busy now' sometimes. She needs to get used to being another person in the house, not a special guest.

I would like to add that my kids watch loads of TV so I'm not being judgy!

Not wanting to judge in anyway and hope it doesn't come across that way. But does she actually know how to play by herself? Something in your op just reminds me of a few high mantinace/ in put children I've worked with. Right down to the very imaginative and bright part who would fly off the handle when there was no one to play attention to them. The desperate to go to school thing too thinking about it. They were most comfortable with older children and struggled being the oldest in the setting.

It was hard work when I had other adults to share the load with and playmates to distract them and got to go home without them at the end of the day. So you really must be exhausted. At some point she's going to need to learn that she can't always be the centre of attention and how to amuse her self. If she was one of my key children I'd want to know if she could play by herself if not focus on building these skills and then toughen up a bit with the always needing things to be a game.

It's hard work. One diva I had always had to do things on her terms and toys going away was a massive trigger for her. In the end we stopped making it a game, accepted she was going to strop and gave her an area to do it in. If she didn't want to co operate she could be grumpy on her bean bag and would be left to it when she was happy and ready to do x y or z that had been asked of her we'd do it then move on.

Ask the pre-school what she can do independently? If they can't name anything they are failing her and you in a big way. She may need support to learn that she can do simple things on her own. Bead threading, shoe polishing, pad locks and keys, sand writing and an amazing posting box are the never fail activities in my work room. It's a case of starting small and building concentration, so threading even one bead independently was praised to the highest level and later the challenged issued to thread three. If the pre-school put some work in with her you may find it makes the world of difference to you at home.

If you decide you need to make things less of a game and want to get her to do things by herself more it's going to be hard. In pre-school she'll have peer presure and staff can be detached. Mummy is there for entertainment and has no other use in her eyes. You'll need to be strong and consistent because any change you feel you need to put in place is going to rock the boat and that's hard enough when you're not exhausted and just doing what is needed to get through. But for things to change you may need to do this and dh is going to need to do the same.

It's so much easier to cope with other children's diva moments than your own. Being 100% switched on for 10 hours at a time is bad enough, you're amazing to even be able to attempt it 24/7. Feel free to pm if you want some advice on de diva-ing tactics I've been schooled in.