It's hard but you probably won't be able to make it better. Dd has dhd and at 13 months still hasn't been discharged. But when she was smaller I used to feel terrible about taking her for her scans and the vague answers I would get at them. The biggest issue being I felt like I'd caused it and the guilt felt ten times worse after not being given the all clear after her scans.
I agree that saying everything will be ok is a big no no, because your baby is under medical care so things really aren't ok and it can be really difficult to see that they will be okay in the end. I had to avoid being around certain people who liked to pass judgment on dd being fine and lots of fuss about nothing because of this. There was just too much emotion involved. Dh had to learn not to say it would be ok too and help me focus on the fact dd was actually a very happy little girl despite all our adult worries about her.
If dp experience is anything like mine was your hopes can be built up by the people scanning only to be dashed by the people in the know. Discharge was dangled over us since the second scan at 13 weeks old. Most appointments ended with we'll let you know if we need to see dd again. They still see dd regally at the hospital for x rays.
Finding an outside opinion was helpful as we never saw much of the consultant to begin with. I think dd only avoided a harness for this reason so I was able to push for monitoring rather than treatment. (using a sling with extra attention to position of hips and knees rather than pushchair or pram, soft stretches, and a small range of safe physical activities) A friend put me in contact with a specialist in the us who I was able to skype with for advice.
When dd was 5/6 monthd was the hardest time for me. Dd also potentially had a heart condition so I was in the hospital almost every week and I found it all very wearing. I could never remember quite what I felt I needed to ask about and felt like I never took in all the information I was told. I felt so much better when dh's manager helped him make the time to come with me to all dd's appointments. I didn't have to relay the information to dh after the appointment when I was disappointed and we were able to plan to do something nice right after each appointment. Dh was also in a less emotional place to me and could ask questions like being shown the difference in scans from the first to current and insist on seeing the consultant rather than waiting for the verdict to come by post.
For me things started to feel better when dd was around 7 months old. Probably because she was discharged from the cardiologist at that point. But also because dd was in a position where I could be more proactive. Dd was sent for physio and we got a place in a swim class at the hospital pool. Ultra sound scans were replaced by x rays which I found a lot easier to attend and gave much clearer information. Dd also found them so much less distressing.
Looking back one of the things that helped most when dd was tiny was attending a very small baby massage/music group. It was a bit costly but very supportive and something I wished I'd carried on with after the first set. The leader was lovely and knew things it was safe to do with dd and the small group of other mums also had babies with health problems so were all in the same boat. It was a daisy baby group and nothing like other groups I'd been to before or since.
Our local health visiting team made us awear that support would have been avaliable after we got through the worst of the stress with dd. Have you and dp had any outside support? We could have been placed in a few groups and been put into contact with other families with a child with dhd. We also got funding for the swimming lessons and support getting a couple of benefits when I delayed my return to work and for equipment for dd.
And just been reminded by dh, although it upset me more at the time and got him shouted at... we looked into the effects of untreated dhd. It helped me put things into perspective when I was feeling sorry for dd and myself.