What is too much?

[babartheelephant]

I've put this into the 'parenting' section, but it could equally be in 'extracurricular activities' or 'education'

Our ds is 10 years old in year 5 and we started him with a tutor 2 months ago to prepare for some selective school exams. It will only be for one school year then we will stop. He's bright, but I don't mind if he doesn't get into the schools because the default is that he will go to our local school where his sister is, and it is a good comprehensive.

He HATES having to do the extra work. It amounts to about 5 hours of homework a week. I am not a tiger mum, and he has not been pushed academically at school before because our primary school is just really lovely, but not really pushy. He resents me enormously for making him do this. He wants the opportunity to apply to the good schools, but he doesn't want to do the work (lazy or just normal for a 10 year old boy?)

In addition to this, he plays 2 musical instruments and I am pretty relaxed about him practising one of them, but the other I make him do a little bit as often as I can e.g 20 minutes max maybe 4 times a week. I do not consider this to be a lot of practice at all. He HATES being asked to practise. He is good on both instruments and musical, and he gets away with it in lessons, but his attitude is very negative.

I can see that the path of least resistance is to just say 'OK, we'll drop the tutor, you don't bother trying for the selective schools, you can do OK in your SATS and you'll just go to local school and won't get into top sets, but probably do OK' and 'No need to play an instrument, just give up now'
but in my heart I feel very strongly that this is a phase and if we can weather it, he will be happier in about a year when he achieves his potential. But honestly, the battles at the moment are really hard. And the tears. And so I really just want to cut him some slack. If he had his way, all he would do is play computer games and watch Dr Who (TV and computer only at weekends here) read Percy Jackson and do LEGO (which I think is brilliant) and he spends at least as much time arguing with me about it, as he does actually doing the work.

Please can someone tell me what they think is too much? Background is that he's not very sporty - he does football at school with his brother but he doesn't really enjoy it - he just does it to be in with the football crowd, which I think is fine. He is popular and happy at school although very much aware of the importance of fitting in e.g. he went ballisticyesterday when I bought him a maroon puffer coat for winter - must be BLACK! In his head, he feels like it is too much, which is therefore a real concern. So I am thinking of dropping something, maybe having a couple of terms off an instrument, or maybe even just drop the tutor. But she got my daughter to level 6 in maths, having thought she was no good at maths, and this has set her on a totally different trajectory at secondary school. And I think that is really important.

Thanks for reading this.

Can you sit him down and ask him what he would like to do regarding the musical instruments, to start with? Try to reach a compromise - if he says he wants to drop both, gently suggest that it might be good to continue with one instrument and which does he prefer? It is important to make him feel a part of the decision-making I think, as it sounds like he is resenting the "being told" to do everything, and I guess he is at that age of starting to feel more independent and wanting to be treated as such. That does sound a lot of extra homework a week. Is there a balance to be had? Can he cut down the number of sessions with the tutor or you ask her to set him less homework? I appreciate she may run to a curriculum but at the end of the day you are paying her, you set the rules IMO. If she has to decide which bits of work to cut out of her teaching to accommodate the lighter work load, I'm quite sure she should be able to manage that. Personally, if my ds was unhappy at having a lot of extra work outside school, I would reduce it, so that he doesn't rebel against it. Whatever you do, try to make your ds1 feel involved and like you are listening to him. Sorry if that isn't hugely helpful. x

Hello OP.

I think if he doesn't want to do the extra tuition or music practice you should stop pushing him.
You say he wants to go to the good schools but you have a good comprehensive.
Maybe if you tell him what is expected of these other schools in terms of 11+ he will change his mind and not want to go.
Your ds will only resent you in the end if it isn't what he wants.
Wild horses wouldn't have got my ds's to do extra work and they gave up music as didn't want to practice.
My dd plays 4 instruments and you have to beg her to stop practising after 4-6 hours per day.
Please just let him be, it may not be what he wants to do.

If there is something a person strongly dislikes the answer can sometimes be to present it in a sandwich so to speak: something pleasant, the thing they dislike, then afterwards a form of reward to take the edge off.

My concern would be, getting him into the school is surely just the start, he would have to work consistently hard to keep up and manage?

I don't think taking two terms off an instrument is a good idea at this age, he will find something else to fill the gap, especially when summer and the longer daylight hours return.

Are you or your partner musical? I wonder if DS would agree to practise more willingly if you record him? Then he'll hear how much progress he is making.

Really just don't push him, which is what effectively you are doing. You want him to have a love for leaning or instruments and he hasn't so it's not much good really. It won't be worth it if he is done with school at 16/18 and can't be bothered with Uni or whatever. If he's bright he will do just fine, it's great he has good friends too its a hard age for them!