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Original poster

Need some help getting my 4 year old to give up his dummy

23 replies

youaremychocolatecake · 26/11/2013 20:31

I'm ashamed to admit my 4 year old still has a dummy. He has always been, how shall we put it... A challenge? Highly strung? Neurotic? Are we getting the picture? So the dummy and comfort blanket have been my saviours.

When he got to about 2 and a half we did the whole dummy fairy thing. Bought a special bag, collected all the dummies, a present came from said dummy fairy and it was all going swimmingly.... Until bed time when hell ensued. 5 days of no sleep for anyone followed until a more experienced parent put me out of my misery and was like 'what's the big deal? He'll give it up when he's ready' and sleep was restored.

Since then at various intervals I have tried: cutting holes in them, bribery, threats (no Xmas presents), losing them, going on holiday and forgetting it (no sleep for us or anyone else on the campsite), a good talking to 'come on you're a big boy now, why don't you chuck them away', I have asked the teacher to have a word, older forked she looks up to to have a word, I've taken him dentist, I've told him all his teeth will drop out and I have even threatened to turn up at his school with it so his friends see. Nothing works. Nothing. He has too much love for it.

He only uses it for bed and I can get him to fall asleep without it if I sit in the room with him for about 90 minutes but when he wakes in the night instead of just grabbing his dummy, there's a massive drama. Screaming, crying and I'm there bleary eyed saying 'you remember, the dummy is gone' backwards and forwards and tending to the cries and eventually I end up giving in.

I feel like a terrible parent and I really hoped he would just give it up naturally rather than me have to take his comfort away in a forceful way but he's 4 and a half now and I'm kind of thinking where does it end?

I now have a new baby in the mix so in an even worse situation!

Does anyone have any advice for me?

X x

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Original poster

youaremychocolatecake · 26/11/2013 20:32

Older forked is supposed to be older children (on my phone ) x

OP posts:

Judyandherdreamofhorses · 26/11/2013 20:36

It sounds like you're just going to have to stick with it, and not 'give in'. Perhaps once you're past the five nights or whatever, he'll manage without it.

MaybeABitLikeTigger · 26/11/2013 20:44

If it is only at night and you have a new baby, I would honestly leave it. Regression, not enough energy, etc etc. As long as he has not lost his front teeth yet it should not have any impact on his teeth. And the social issue is also gone as others wont see it.
Once you feel you want to give it another try, maybe in 6 months' time, my best advice is to talk to him about it during the day and explain that once he is ready he can swap it for a toy of his choice, and then wait until he decides that that's a good idea.
Don't worry about it too much; much better to let him get on with it than him starting sucking thumb in my opinion as this could move into the day too.

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SteamWisher · 26/11/2013 21:03

Put them in the bin, put the bin outside so you cannot retrieve them.

ToysRLuv · 26/11/2013 21:20

DS (4) still has his at night. I think it's ok, until they get their permanent teeth. Not worth the upset doing withdrawal by force. When he is a teensy bit older he will happily exchange it for a thing he really wants (and that eeeverybody else has ). Relax.

Both my niece and DH sucked their thumbs until they were well into their teens. Now - THAT is bad for your teeth and you can't ever take their thumb away.. you just have to wait for them to grow out of the habit. Still, DH and niece have perfectly good teeth and never needed braces.

RandomMess · 26/11/2013 21:23

I had a dummy addict who swapped at 5 for a barbie scooter and a trip to Legoland, then 2 thumbsucker who we had to go down to the socks taped to arms around the age of 8 to stop then the youngest who would suck her thumb when we took the dummy away...

She gave up the dummy of her own accord around the age of 7 no drama, I think they got too small to be of much comfort anymore. I wouldn't put yourself through the stress far better a dummy than a thumb!

Original poster

youaremychocolatecake · 26/11/2013 21:26

Thanks all. I kind of secretly think it's not a major deal but I do wonder sometimes if I'm too soft and his dad hates him having it! And he's really going through some issues since arrival of the new baby. General sleep issues, wetting himself. Weird stuff. I think maybe I'll try again at as and be really really tough x

OP posts:

ToysRLuv · 26/11/2013 21:32

Trust your gut. DS will appreciate a bit of gentleness just now. Remember, how many adults do we know who still sleep with their dummies?

DS is also still in nappies for nights. And they are always soaking in the morning, so nowhere near dry at night. Nothing you can do about that either. They will stop when they are ready.

RandomMess · 26/11/2013 21:37

I don't think it's the right time with a new sibling on the scene - he will give it up when he's ready - don't sweat the small stuff!

PrammyMammy · 26/11/2013 21:41

Santa's coming next month, can he give it to him?
Dd gave hers to Santa when we went to a grotto. I chopped the teats off all the others around the house and binned them.
She never asked again.

highriggs · 26/11/2013 21:43

Don't be tough sometimes they just need their dummies. It is such a comfort to them. And doesn't hurt their teeth. It really doesn't hurt them
What hurts them is losing their dummies
My DD had three at one stage. One in each hand and one in her mouth. She just really needed them as her younger brother told me.
They gave her such comfort
She is a doctor now !
We still talk about her dummies now and how much comfort she had from them
My other 2 didn't want them

Loveitall · 26/11/2013 21:46

Use of dummies doesn't just affect teeth, but can also lead to speech sound production issues

ToysRLuv · 26/11/2013 21:47

Love: Only if they use them at daytime, I would imagine. No speaking goes on at night (usually)..

ToysRLuv · 26/11/2013 21:48

DS always has 4 in his bed.

NorksofPlenty · 26/11/2013 21:55

My dd 4.4 has only just given hers up 3 weeks ago. She sounds a very similar temperament to your son and there's no way I could've contemplated trying to take them off her any earlier. I honestly wouldn't bother if you've got a new baby, if he only has them at night and they are a comfort to him, what harm is it doing? I know I used to feel embarrassed at dd still having hers, but then my friends feel no shame at their dcs having comfort blankets at much older and dds dummy was really just her version of that. I took it away more by accident than intent as we couldn't find it one night and she'd chewed through the others. After that first night she asked for it another couple of nights and then mainly stopped asking. She does still occasionally mourn it's loss, but it was nowhere near as bad as I was expecting. I always said I'd wait until she was ready and I think she must've been, I really don't think it's worth the battle if not though and I'd just wait a bit longer. Don't sweat the small stuff!

ITCouldBeWorse · 26/11/2013 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnneElliott · 26/11/2013 22:03

DS had his til he was 5. What got rid of them was taking him to the dentist and he told DS that if he did not give it up, his teeth would stick out. DS gave it up there and then!

I had obviously told him this, but he only believed it when the dentist said it. I had promised all sorts from the dummy fairy previously but he had to have cash as he took me by surprise!

HappyAsASandboy · 26/11/2013 22:06

I would let him keep his dummy, as long as it's only at night.

I suck my thumb. Still. I wish if been given a dummy instead as it would have been a whole lot easier to give up.

lisbapalea · 26/11/2013 22:11

I am in a similar position OP. DD is 3.9 and sucks the ears of a bunny comforter every night. It's revolting!
We have successfully restricted it to night time only but haven't managed to remove it. At her suggestion we did send her bunnies away earlier in the year but the sleepless nights just weren't worth it, so the bunnies magically reappeared.

She is also still wet at night, but as I am expecting DC2 in 3 weeks' time, I am not fussed about either the night time pull ups or the bunnies, and will cross those bridges later next year.

As a PP said, the fact is that none of us know any adults who need dummies/bunnies to suck at night, or who wear pull ups, so they will give them up at some point.

Wishitwaswarmer · 26/11/2013 22:25

In preparation for our Christmas "dummy fairy" plan we talked to my DS (4.5yrs) about giving up his dummy. That night he said he didn't need it so I didn't give it to him and he still slept! He was an absolute dummy fiend before and although we'd got him down to night time only (one in each hand and one in mouth!), he would have had one any time he could. He has literally never asked for it since the night we got rid of them. I think he really must have been ready. To be honest if he had struggled giving it up I wouldn't have persevered more than a couple of nights - I'm relatively lazy like that but also tried to remind myself that you very rarely see older children with dummies. Barring any speech or language problems directly resulting from dummy use I would say not to force the issue too much or get to stressed out about it.

Original poster

youaremychocolatecake · 27/11/2013 10:32

I'm feeling a bit better knowing I'm not alone. Was starting to feel like I belonged on Jeremy Kyle thanks for the advice everyone. Maybe now with a new baby in the house isn't exactly the right time and maybe my fears of him going off to uni with his dummy are a bit far fetched x

OP posts:

ILovePonyo · 27/11/2013 10:37

We have just done the dummy fairy with dd so I was coming onto the thread to tell you what we did, but tbh OP it sounds like you've tried everything, if he only has it at night I'd leave him with it for a bit.

With my dd we kept telling her about the dummy fairy for ages (months) before actually doing it. Then one morning she asked to give her dummies away and have her presents. So we did, and it wasn't exactly easy but easier than I expected. So maybe just wait until he asks? From my limited googling it seems dummy fairy works if the child makes the choice to give the dummy up rather than being made to.

Good luck anyway!

LapinDeBois · 28/11/2013 22:49

My DS (now 6) sounds v similar to yours. We were planning to stop him having his dummy when he turned 3, but given that his baby brother arrived about a fortnight before his third birthday, we decided to leave it. We talked to him about giving it up, and he agreed to stop having it when he turned four. When his birthday arrived we duly stuck to the agreement and took the dummy away (on the day after his birthday - I'm not that harsh!). To be honest, it was pretty rough for a while - we didn't have much trouble at night, surprisingly (he took ages to get to sleep, but didn't wake up and cry), but we had some behavioural problems for a couple of weeks (he's the least aggressive child in the world, and for the first time ever his nursery said he'd been being mean to other children). That only lasted for a couple of weeks, though I think he did miss it for quite a few months after that. Looking back, I'm not quite sure whether I would have done the same again, or whether I would have let him keep it until he actively wanted to stop....

In any case, I do think it helped that we'd had an agreed time to give it up. Could you try something similar with your son - not saying he has to give it up now, but agreeing a specific time in the future? To be honest, I wouldn't be in a rush given you've got a new baby. I think having a new sibling is a massive (sometimes underestimated) upheaval for the first child, particularly if they're quite sensitive (my son developed a morbid fear of water, which lasted for months and months). He could probably do without losing a source of comfort at the moment.

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