really really anxious about nursery

[MummyLuce]

Hi, my DD is starting nursery next week and everytime I think about I feel physically sick. I went back to work 2 days a week in September when she was 15 months, now she's 17 months. For the first 2 months she was looked after at our house by mum, my OH's mum or my best friend (who has know her very well since birth) and it was good. She's a lovely sociable little girl and they tookmher to toddler groups, music class, playground , cafes, walks etc etc etc (just as I do on my days off). But now my friend has to go back to working on those 2 days, my mum has a course and OH's mum has decided she's too tired too :( I cannot bear the idea of her being without someone she knows well all day (8 till 5.30) and I've only just got her eating and sleeping back on track (it messed up a bit when I went back to work). Also, I'm so scared she'll cry or feel lonely and no one will properly comfort her. I have been having nightmares and everything and the worst thing she is only 17 months so I cant even talk to her about it or prepare her. I feel so guilty. Luckily I'm pregnant again so can go on mat leave in march and be with her again for a year. But it just seems an age away. Anyone got anything reassuring? sorry if this sounds pathetic x x x

But you'll get to know the nursery staff too and they work there because they like babies. They will comfort her. They're not monsters. She will probably cry when you leave her and possibly when you pick up but that's because she quite rightly wants you to fuss over her. Don't fret. This is fine and will be good for both of you. If you can afford it keepthe nursery sessions going when you're on mat leave and enjoy time alone with the new baby.

I was like this before sending my DD to nursery. She was 10 months when she started. Two months on and it really has been the best thing for her. She has come on leaps & bounds in her development, the staff are amazing with her and, most importantly, she loves being there.

However, being honest, the first 4-5 weeks were very hard. She would be very upset on drop off & pick up. She was fine while there though. She had stopped crying by the time we had closed the door. She has also picked up nearly every illness going, permanent cold, hand, foot & mouth etc. But I'm so glad we sent her!

I hope this reassures you a bit. It's not an ideal situation but as you say, you will be on mat leave again soon.

It's not pathetic, it's normal to be concerned about your DC starting at nursery - though without being any kind of specialist, I'm slightly worried that you say you fee physically sick and have been having nightmares about it. Is there anything else that has worried you this much before?

Nursery is a big step and your DD will probably be upset the first few times. It is hard, but it is a good thing in the end, really. I promise you that any even half-decent nursery or CM won't leave an upset child to cry. If there is something particular that comforts her, a toy or a song, talk to her keyworker before she starts and explain. Children do settle amazingly well at nurseries and adapt to the new routine very quickly.

When I first went back to work and was worried about it, I used to reassure myself how many other children were in childcare and happy about it. Much as I love my DD, she's not special in any way (iyswim) and like every other child she would settle down and love being with other children. And children do thrive on mixing, they really do. Be prepared for a few upsets at the start and a few more bangs and scrapes than they have at home, but it will be good for her. Two days out of five is a great amount to learn to socialise and mix. And yes, when your new baby comes it will be really good for you to have time to bond with them while your DD is at nursery, if you can afford to do that.

It WILL be fine. Can they do a pre- session where she gets to meet them?

It's not pathetic, it's normal. It will be tough - I too hated sending DD to nursery and was relieved when I went on maternity leave again and could take her out. Have you considered a childminder? It's a more natural environment in that you don't get bunches of children all the same age (who of course have the same needs at the same time) and it's far less stressful for them. It might ease your worries as well if you knew the person looking after her and she had a chance to get to know her. All nurseries say they operate a 'key person' system but IME it's just talk. They rarely get a chance to bond with one person by the time you factor in shifts, sick leave, holiday etc.

Also, please please do not NOT keep sending her when you're on maternity leave. It quite rightly makes your already threatened older child feel that they are being pushed out and nearly always causes jealousy and self-esteem issues. There's a lot of nonsense talked about continuity and giving your older child some time on their own and a thing that's 'theirs'. It's not true - all they want is to be at home with you and the baby. At 21 months she will love being at home with you. It's tougher on you, certainly, but far better for her and the tough part doesn't last for long. Having a smallish age gap and letting them really get to know each other makes for a fantastic sibling relationship as they get older.

normal to be anxious but in my experience if chldcare is good chldren absolutely love it - has to be right for them though.

Have you thought of a chldmnder? I prefer it as closer to home environment, you only have to trust one adult who you get to know and then you know that is the carer for your chld - I know people feel differently on this, but personally it worked so well for us, love our chldmnder - my son laughs with delight when we drop hm off there, she adores hm and cuddles him when he is feeling sad, will take time to just sit and read with hm - there are other kids but they are a little group rather than the big gang in nursery.

that said - if you get a good nursery, I promise your daughter will be fne as long as given tme to settle in - she should be cared for by a key worker who has a special relationship with her - so she wont be alone all day, she wll have a bond just like she does now with her carers.

I think you mght find that once she is used to going to childcare - if she is happy there then she might well miss it if you are on maternity - of course thats your decision but childcare is fun for kids - things like sleep and eatng will be kept to a routne at nursery too
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I thnk the key thng is that you have to settle in without a rush - do it slowly and buld up your own trust and hers. and do not choose a setting you are not 100 per cent happy with

Zulieka - if the child is already in the routine if nursery surely maintaining that during Mat leave is better for their stability? I only ask as I will be having a baby in April and was planning on keeping DD in nursery as usual (3 full days a week).

No - they would always rather be at home with you, especially when they see that their younger sibling doesn't have to go to nursery. Even more so if you're planning on taking a full year's leave - a year is a colossal amount of time in the life of a child and there's no benefit to keeping them in versus stopping and then restarting. Especially if your options may change (for example you may consider a childminder or a nanny). In that time they would probably move up a room in any case, staff would come and go - it's not like keeping them on at nursery is any guarantee of stability.

Zuleika, that's a massively sweeping statement. Yes, some children might get upset and feel they are being pushed out when there is a new baby and sending them to nursery wouldn't be helpful. But equally others will enjoy keeping their routine and still mixing with other children and going to nursery. They might not enjoy the fact that you can't give them one-on-one attention like they were were used to because the baby needs your attention too. Plus, let's be honest, surely the new baby also deserves some concentrated attention like your first DC got when they were little?

Most of the mums I know who are now having their second DC are still sending their eldest to nursery one day or two morning etc a week, with no problems at all - and most are saying that rather than adoring being at home with Mum and their new sibling, their behaviour is difficult because they are struggling against previously being the centre of attention.

All you can do is wait until the new baby is here and see if you feel your older DC and you and the new baby would still benefit from the toddler going to nursery.

(As for them always preferring to be at home with you - this morning my 22mo hopefully asked if she was going to the CM's and was disappointed when I said no )

Op my 12mo ds1 started nursery this week. I am going back to work next week (3 days, rising to 4 in April) and DS will be there from 0830-1730.

I too wa really worried about it. Felt sick. He has never been left with anyone before. But so far he has really surprised me ad seems to be settling in ok: so interested in all the toys they have there! A little bit of crying when I pick him up but within 3 mins he is trying to get back down out of y arms to carry on playing! He also apparently cries a bit there during the day when tired, but his key person has cuddled him to sleep every day so far and then put him down in 'his' cot. I don't think they leave babies to cry and the other babies who have been there a while look happy and crawl in and out of the carers' laps when I am dropping my son of in the morning. If they weren't happy with them, I am sure they wouldn't do that.

You might find a childminder suits you better, but I would say don't write off nurseries too quickly: I have been very impressed with the levels of personal care they have give. My son so far and feel confident that he will get lots of cuddles there.

Sorry about typos. Stupid iPhone.

My DD has been going to nursery since 13 months for 1.5 days a week and loves it there (now nearly 2). She really enjoys the interactions with other children and the nursery workers do loads with her and have taught her loads whilst playing.

My advice - let them walk in themselves, say goodbye with a big smile and leave. My DD was a late walker (17 months) and the drop offs have become loads easier since she can choose to walk to the door and go in of her own accord. Much harder to hand her over as it wasn't her choice and we had lots of tears. She now walks in and closes the gate on me!

If your DD prefers more cuddly one to one attention, I'd look at childminders, but make sure you have a plan B for when they are ill or on holiday.

Good luck!

I second the childminder suggestion. Your child forms a bond with one person, in a home environment, and with a routine much more similar that what they've had at home: popping to shops/park/playgroup etc.

Dd was with hers for more than two years and they really loved each other. Ds has just started with his and already bounces with excitement when he sees her door.

Whatever you decide, as long as the child car provider is good and caring and a loving environment, your dd will be fine. And if she cries etc when you leave (totally normal) the best thing is to be, against your instincts, cheery and matter-of-fact about leaving. Don't feed into the angst. Well that's my opinion anyway.

My DD has been going to nursery 2 days a week since she was 12 months and she's nearly 2 now. She teaches us nursery rhymes that she's learnt and obviously has a whale of a time there. I did view several nurseries and took time to find the 'right' one though. It was obviously a caring warm environment.

Are there any other options you could look at? Nanny share, childminder? I would choose either of those over nursery at that age, personally.

Both of my children started nursery full time at 6 months. The only downside for me has been the illnesses in the first 6-12 months but that is more than made up for by all the positives IMO, including rock solid immunity once they go to school as a result. I would have hated handing mine over to the care of just one person, but I know some (like previous poster) hate the idea of nursery for such little children. It has to be right your you, your child and your specific situation I think. There is not one right answer.

Mine are now 4 (at school) and 2 (still at nursery), and both are extremely happy, confident and bright children who have received genuine affection from their key workers. I would choose the nursery option again in a flash if I had a 3rd.

Only thing that makes me thing CM or nanny might have been better is that now 4yr old is at school there would have been a perfect pre/post school and holiday cover who they were familiar with, whereas because they went to daycare I have to use clubs (because I have no intention of starting a relationship with a CM at the age of 4). However at the time I knew nobody to get recommendations from, and I would never just go for someone I didn't know or who was recommended by someone I trusted a lot.

ThePippy, I'm just curious about why you wouldn't want your DD to start a relationship with a CM at the age of 4? I'm a CM and have a 4yo starting with me in March. A 4yo is well able to cope with a variety of carers (far more so than babies, who can only bond with about 5 people) so I just wondered why you prefer clubs? They can be far more exhausting for children.

Zuleika, your post reads as mostly biased rubbish, but I'm going to pick you up on your assertions about the key person system bring all talk. That's not my experience at all - a good nursery will have the right systems in place to make it work well. Ours certainly does as DS still has a lasting bond with his last key person who comes to visit him regularly in his new room.

I have had friends have awful experiences of childminders, as well as good ones. All the childminders I met while choosing DS's childcare were offputting to me in one way or another, but perhaps I was unlucky. Ditto nurseries. It's about finding good provision that's right for you and your child.

OP, I felt much the same as you but nursery has been so positive for DS, who isn't an outgoing soul by any means - a good nursery adapts to the needs of the children.

I was worried sick about my daughter starting nursery because of how upset she'd be. Yeah right. One look at all the other children, paints, sand and water pits, and books and she was 'see ya' and gone.

Jassy, which part do you object to? I am prejudiced against nurseries in general, yes - I have experienced two bad ones of my own and I get a stream of clients who are looking to take their child out of nursery because the setting does not do what it says on the tin. Their child does not have a key worker (and when you apply a little common sense you can see it's impossible for a nursery to guarantee that your child will only have one carer) and their own routines are not followed. My other beef in general with nurseries is that you have a whole bunch of children of the same age who all need the same thing at the same time and only one person to look after them. A childminder setting is much more natural because you get a range of ages and needs - a mindee settles in as though they were one of the family.

My other point, about it being better for children to be at home to bond with and get used to being with their new sibling than be packed off to a third party, is also based on experience. I have seen over and over again how an older sibling becomes jealous of the newborn who gets all the mummy time and becomes fearful that they are somehow not 'good' enough to be allowed to stay at home. It can be expressed in all sorts of ways. But it is important to remember that it is nearly as crucial for your children to bond with each other as it is for your partner or you to bond with the new baby. And they can't do that if they feel displaced and shoved out. Realistically a further baby is never going to get the same level of one-to-one attention from its parents that its older sibling did, BUT it will also get a load of attention from its sibling. By sending the older child off to nursery you are depriving the baby of opportunities to interact with the member of its family who is closest to it in age, size and understanding. Babies love children, they love watching them play, and run around. Mummy isn't the only thing that baby needs.

So your experience is based on people who have had experiences with poor nurseries, and left? Which logically means you aren't hearing from those who've had good experiences of nurseries that operate a good tiered key person system and are strongly child led? For example on one of your points, our nursery is outstanding at sticking to DS's routine, including changes to it; it wouldn't have been accommodated by a childminder - all I spoke to were clear that his routine would have to be changed/sacrificed to fit in with school and nursery pick ups.

Not a very balanced picture, is it, with a self-selecting sample of people for whom nursery was not a positive experience?

zuleika of course she should keep the older child at nursery while on maternity leave. Everyone I know did it, although often on reduced hours due to the cost. It means the older child can play with their friends and get some quality attention from a non-sleep deprived adult.

mummyluce don't panic about your DD going to nursery. They will do what they can to make sure she keeps in a good routine for eating and sleeping. If she is upset bear in mind there will be several adults who can comfort her, they won't be dealing with housework or errands, the only thing they need to do is care for the children. The dc's had so much fun at nursery, they did activities I never did, made lots of friends and ate a wider variety of food than I could ever make at home. Settling in will be hard but it will be ok. In fact, DS started at the same age on just one morning a week and by week 4 (ie;session 4) he was fine.

And I see she's starting before Xmas, be prepared for all the glittery craft she will bring home .

I agree with Zuleika. I imagine like me she has worked in nurseries so is talking from first hand experience.

Jassy I think it's fantastic that your experience of nursery has been so positive - you've clearly been very happy to send your DS there and that's great. I'm not saying that all nurseries are terrible, of course I'm not. But I am saying that I strongly believe that other childcare options should be investigated before settling for nursery. They can be excellent when children are older and can form actual friendships. But the OP's DD is 17 months old - at 17 months they can't form friendships and other toddlers are just competition for the extremely limited resource of adult attention.

By the way, all nurseries claim to be 'child-led' - that's a positive spin in nursery-speak for not having to interact with the children.

I agree that it's vital to look at all options for your child - which is why I'm confident that my nursery is focused on my son, his routine and his needs, and certainly much more than any of the childminders I met who emphasised that he would have to fit in with the routines and activities of older children - they all felt much more focused on the older children, without the focus on the littler ones.

Most universal statements, such as 'nurseries say they're child-led but it's spin' are usually incorrect. It depends on the setting and to a certain extent the child. Through all your statements you've tarred nurseries with the same (negative) brush rather than suggesting things to lookout for and alternatives.

My boy started nursery at 9 months and is now 26 months, in that time he's developed some lovely attachments to other children which have been maintained despite one of the children leaving nursery five months ago - effort on my part but mostly led by him. And he's really benefited from an age-focused range of activities with planned extension around his particular achievements and interests, most of which is down to the nursery's approach of valuing and embedding the key person system, including a lot of small group time just with their key person.

I know that not all nurseries work like this, which is why we've chosen one that does - and is why I object to people saying that these systems don't work or exist and it's all marketing by the nurseries.