How do I tell my daughter that her grandparents want nothing to do with her?

[cass1206]

My daughter is currently 10 months old and and my partners family want nothing to do with her. The dislike me and that I could handle, when I was pregnant they said they hoped I'd miscarry again!! Plus other horrid things and since my daughter was born it only got worse to the point we have had to go to the police about their behaviour (violent outbursts directed and myself and little one).due to this they are going to miss out on seeing their old grandchild grow up. I'm worried about how I'm going to explain things to my little one as she'll only have my side of the family and none from her dads. I'm cautious about telling the truth in case it hurts her that they could feel that way about her. I'm worried it will upset her. I know I don't need to deal with it for a few years but it's something that's been on my mind as it's the run up to Christmas. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hugs to all x

They are horrible people?

Indeed... Evil is the word I tend to use. It's just a terribly upsetting situation

Just tell her the truth- that sometimes in life people don't get on, even if they are family (we cannot choose them, sadly) and that when she grows up she will then get to make adult decisions for herself, such as who she decides to surround herself with. Don't try to poison her against them- if you come across as objective and willing to give any information you have to hand, then she will soon realise who the toxic ones are for herself, even if it means trying to track them down in the future. Yes, it may hurt, but it is better for her to do this for herself the long and hard way. I've been there myself.

Of course, you will only need to discuss this with her when she is old enough to realise that she does have a side of the family who are absent- until then just make sure she knows that the people who are in her life love and value her very much. That speaks volumes in itself.

It's horrible when you think about it like that but honestly if it's just "normal" she'll hardly think about it.

My dc haven't seen pil for 10yrs, since they were 2yo and 6mo. In that time they've probably asked abiyt them 3 times and were satisfied with "we don't see them."

10yo ds2 had to do a family tree last week and just accepted the fact that we know very little about 's family

My DD only has one side of the family too. We've had restraining orders against some of DH's immediate family and have moved area to get away from the threats and intimidation.

It started the day after DD was born when BIL turned up inside the curtains of my hospital bed outside of visiting hours - he got through all the hospital security, code entry doors etc. I was on a drip and as it was only a few hours post C- section wasn't brilliantly mobile. He'd been for a mental health appointment and just decided to visit. The nurses heard a mans voice and escorted him out.

He took against DD and then me. The threats turned to violence and death threats that the police felt he intended to carry out, roll on court case and restraining orders.

DD is three in the new year. She's not seen that side of the family since about four months old - I doubt she ever will.

My older children from my first marriage have asked about Grandma x and uncle y but we've just said they're not very well and is being looked after by specialists.

Families come in all shapes and sizes and it is sad but i feel that saying they're not well so can't see people is close enough to the truth. I don't deny their existence. They except the explanation and don't ask any more questions.

Thank you for all the advice :-) this is my first time on her and you've help put my mind at easy. I would never bad mouth anyone to my daughter (wouldn't want her thinking that's acceptable behaviour). Hope everyone's well xx

Whenever my sister and I would ask dad or my nan about granddad we just got a wall of silence. It wasn't until my nan died and we found a box full of letters did we find out the truth.

Tbh it was incredibly frustrating as a child to receive no answers to my questions but I don't think it did me any psychological damage.

So my point is you don't have to tell her anything, ever, or you could wait until she is an adult to tell her the truth.

I'm not planning on telling my children about my alcoholic mother and how she died until they are adults and maybe not even then.

I don't think I would tell her that the GPs don't want to see her or anything of that nature - I would just say 'we don't see them because we don't get on' or even elaborate 'they are not very nice'. Don't make it personal to her - it would be needlessly hurtful.

Just don't mention them for as long as you can possibly get away with it. I reckon you have until she's about 6-7 before there are questions that can field with something vague like "they aren't nice people", and until she's about 13-14 before you start to get the really in-depth questions, at which point you can tell her as much of the truth as you think she wants to hear. And fill her life with lovely older people who can take the place of grandparents so that she doesn't feel bereft.

And of course you are doing the right thing by not exposing her to these people.

Our dds don't see any of my immediate family, mum sis bro (dad who was never in my life growing up so doesn't count) my family are a real bunch of a**holes. My mums new husband abused my sis and me from young age and when I finally had the courage to report to police ( thanks to my very supportive dh) they all told me they wanted nothing more to do with me. I was pregnant with dd1 at the time. They all also lied to police saying it never happened even my 'd'sis.
That was 5 years ago. Dd1 &2 have asked me loads about my mum . Iv told them she died. That may sound harsh but I since found out she knew what that man was doing to us. She also made up a bunch of lies about me and dh. Dds don't even know I have a sis or a bro.

You only have to tell your dc what you want them to know. I might one day tell my dds the truth but highly unlikely as its not something I want them to know.

Dds have dh family and that keeps them happy for now.

I think the truth is best DNiece never met her dad then he died when she's asked about them I've just told her the basics of the truth and left it at that the older she gets the more she asks but I just tell her the basic truth about her question without getting into the nitty gritty and she is always happy with it. My mum done the same with us about her father and we accepted it as how things were but DP's parents kept some secrets from him (because they wanted to protect him) until he was grown up and he found it very hard to forgive them for lying to him for years it really effected his relationship with them as he couldn't trust anything and began to question a lot of things they told him even small unimportant things.