DD thinks she may be anorexic and considering self harm..

[DingbatWingDings]

Hi folks - I am new here. Been lurking for a while but yesterday had a situation with my DD and need help!

Bit of background - she's 13 and knockout beautiful. That's not just me as her mum. She really is. DH is not coping well with her 'blossoming' and thinks 13 year olds still play with barbies. He is struggling with reality and as such they're clashing A LOT.

Yesterday they had a big row - he'd had a very bad day and she was trying to wind him up - not altering her behaviour at all. He almost had a breakdown (not literally) so I spent some time with him (not covering that bit today..!) then went to see how she was doing.

She told me she almost cut herself she was feeling so upset, and that she thinks she might be anorexic as she has been skipping breakfast and lunch at school. She says she thinks she is fat (she is slim). She says she sees herself in the windows when with her (fatter) friends and thinks she's fatter than them.

I think she is attention seeking - she IS skipping lunch and breakfast when at school - but eats a big sandwich etc as soon as she gets home and eats her dinner, and eats fine at the weekend too. I don't think she almost self harmed either - when I questioned her a bit more, there was actually no 'implement' she could have used.

I was very understanding, caring, told her she was beautiful and slim, told her it's her hormones making her crazy. I was a terrible teenager - totally depressed for at least 2 years and very moody - so I have a lot of empathy here. If she's attention seeking I am happy to give her more attention - but want all this to stop.

DH thinks the answer is to be hard - have no truck with it - tell her if she ever self harms she'll be in trouble. Tell her to eat or she'll be in trouble. I can't see this working.

Help!?

Girls who think they may be anorexic and think they may self harm and talk openly about it are not anorexic or self harmers. Both are hidden behaviours.

I wouldn't be too hard but I wouldn't pander to it either -although that's because I know what works with my own 13 yo and yours may be different. What's definitely needed though is a lot of talking about why she is feeling like that and please please PLEASE stop telling her she is beautiful and start focusing her on health. Talk to her about exercise and good nutrition and how people who skip meals end up heavier. I'd maybe show some photos of self hard scarring and anorexia side effects - the hair loss, tooth loss and bad skin.

Before I get shot down in flames I would handle it very differently if these were hidden things you had found but the fact she's talking about them yes it does make it sound like attention seeking.

The bit with her dad - can you send them out alone together to have some fun?

Regardless of the reasons she is doing it, attention seeking, depression, or other, it is destructive behaviour that you should praise her for bringing to your attention and work with her to get some help to show her better ways of coping.
I think you're right to disagree with your DH, a tough approach here will not work and will push her away at a time when you need her to be more open with you than ever.
I suggest you talk to your daughter, ask her what she would like to do about it, gently suggest a few options she has, like talking to the family GP, getting a referral for a councillor, telling her form tutor/head of year at school to get a referral to the school therapist (most larger secondary school have this sort of service in place), or talking to a volunteer group like Samaritans. Don't expect her to have an answer straight away, give her time to think and in the mean time assure her than any time she feels bad that she can come to you for a hug and a chat.
I think also that you need to have a word with your husband about acting like an adult, not getting in to shouting matches with a child and being a bit more supportive of his daughter who is obviously having a rough time.
Best of luck with it all, your daughter has done something really brave by talking to you, so please carry on with the same courage and get started on getting her well again.

Oh, and I say the above as an adult who is now through the worst of dealing with depression and self harm since being a 10 year old child whom no body thought should have any problems. You never know what is going on inside someone else's head and we all react to circumstances differently and some of us get a bit lost with it.

RhondaJean - Thanks for your guidance. I agree with you in that I thought people who talk about having anorexia or SH generally are not doing so. I hope that is the case anyway. I take your point re Beauty vs Health but I guess when she's focussing and stressing about being ugly when she so isn't...it's hard not to comment. I did show her some photos of anorexics yesterday but will try to focus more on health and happiness.

Mogz - Thanks for your comments. I agree and I am really pleased that she brought it to me to discuss. We have an excellent relationship most of the time, and she is very happy talking to me which I am hoping will make a big difference. I am glad you are over all your issues Mogz.

It's very hard for teenage girls especially now with everything focused on how they look but you must try to focus her on her value as a person outwith her appearance. Praise her for her other attributes, for working hard, for being kind, being generous, being good at whatever, build her self esteem and offer her chances to succeed at things - and just as importantly chances to fail without her world collapsing.

I do feel sorry for your DH, I know mines doesn't find it easy either, they still see their little girl and where you and I have the context of being a teenage girl ourself to relate to, they don't.

Don't repeat to her what DH said. You said the right things. Keep an extra eye on her in the next few weeks. If he can't deal with her growing up that is really for him to work out. You went to him first, fair enough you can't split yourself in two. Is she an only child?

If he is negative and critical when he arrives home tired from work, then suggest to her he probably needs space to de-stress before dinner. Best if she keeps out of his way. But he is the adult and should rein in his temper. Do put it to him he will risk jeopardising their relationship. They are both old enough to know how to push each other's buttons but she needs to view him as Dad the protector and ally not the enemy.

Back to DD. It's good that you two are obviously able to talk over things. Apart from the odd spat with her father she could be happy in the family setting, but she could feel angry and/or out of control in another area eg school, relationships (friends/first boyfriend).

Self-harmers cut themselves when they are so angry they hurt themselves to stop themselves hurting others, it has the effect of letting them think they take control in this way. Which is what lies behind eating disorders.

This time she may not have had any serious intention of self-harming or of stopping eating. Just let DD know she can talk to you, she can talk to you about anything, no matter how embarrassing. If she doesn't want to talk to you that is okay too, but it is your responsibility to make sure she is safe. If at some point she gives you cause for concern you will arrange for her to see the family GP because you are worried that she might hurt herself physically.

However in the meantime how about buying her a diary, which you promise not to read unless she shows you; tell her to write down how she is feeling, in the form of a letter, or song or poem. Getting it out on paper if she can't vocalise it.

Mine started avoiding the traditional sit down breakfast on weekdays at this age. It's a shame because it really sets them up for the day! Perhaps offer more fresh fruit and yogurts. Encourage her to take in healthy snacks. Food is fuel, it doesn't have to be stodgy dollops of carbs.

Help her build up her self confidence. Try and help her develop interests outside school, creative or sporty things. Exercise and fresh air may help with moods. Once boyfriends are on the scene that will be a whole new chapter. Later on she will face more academic pressure. It's really important she is able to see home as a sanctuary and both parents as on her side. Of course DCs and teens are testing but DH has to accept she's got a mind of her own.

Well skipping meals and feeling bad about myself and then crash dieting is how my ED started, can you afford to get some counselling for your dh and dd before it does anything? It's good that she's close enough to you to try and attention seek!

Thanks Donkeys. I think part of the problem was she used to be excellent at a particular sport - spent a lot of time doing it - but was then injured and can't do it anymore. Before the row yesterday she told me she was missing it so much. She does feel that she's not good at anything any more.

I like the diary idea and will give that a go.

She's not an only child - she's an older sister (to a younger sister)

Oh that's rotten luck. It's probably left a big gap. Could she bear to do something on the periphery like help coach younger participants? Now wondering does DC2 do the same activity?

I was anorexic as a teenager, and whilst I agree that girls who are heading towards an eating disorder will very likely hide that fact, I just wanted to say please don't assume it's not that bad because she just missesbreakfast and lunch and then eats straight after school. This was exactly how I started out, because those were the meals that could most easily be missed without drawing too much attention from others, and also because it was all about control for me and I gradually extended how much control I could muster in a day to go without food. I always felt like I had 'blown it' after school when I gave in and ate, but then started a new day with a new sense of control.

It's great that you do have such an open relationship with her, and she has been able to talk to you about this.

Donkeys - yes it has left a big gap. We are seeing what can be done - hoping that her injury will heal enough to continue in some capacity. Her sister used to do the same thing but was never as good and has stopped now in sympathy.

quietlysuggests - seems a little harsh! I believe her hormones are making her build up things to be bigger problems than they should be. We have discussed them all. Without wanting to make an already long post a heck of a lot longer, I haven't covered every aspect. I didn't go straight to him after the row - I was with her for some time - she was OK. It then became clear that he was on edge of breakdown so had to go to him. TBH the kids always come first.

Matilda - thanks for your insight. I will definitely keep a good eye on her. She ate well at the weekend - definitely no skipping or hiding. I think the best I can do is just keep talking to her unless you can give me any other recommendations?

Thanks to you all for your help.

I would also stress not to emphasise how beautiful or slim she is already. When I was a teenager, I had a reputation for being 'the slim one' in the family, and with hindsight I think being told all the time how skinny I was really didn't help me, as it then kind of becomes an important part of your identity within the family. Puberty is a threat to that status, as a young teen I wasn't afraid of adulthood exactly, but I was afraid of losing my slim body shape that seemed to be so tied into my identity. Sorry if that all sounds a bit personal to me, but what you have said about how beautiful your daughter is struck a chord with me, as she may be worried on some level about the lack of control she now has over her changing body and what she will look like as a young adult.