This is a completely self indulgent post ... jettisoning all personal responsibility!...but you are all so sweet i didnt think anyone would mind
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My timetable meant i had no study day without ds so had to do everything once he was in bed....by which time i was ahattered/not very motivated.[last year i had a whole morning in the home when i could study and also pop washing on etc]
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Dp insisted [with good reason]that on the days ds was at childminder i should come home to spend the eve with him...Last year i used to stay at college after lectures two nights a week and get tonnes done in that 5-8 pm window.ds was younger and i could get away with not being around!
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granny in law died in dec
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fil died end of jan..having been v.ill for a month.So, grieving and then absent dp & grieving self.
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For a month i drove to somerset, straight after lectures on thurs ...arrive at mdinight...spent weekend with grieving family in unchildfriendly house...drove back on sun night...stayed up doing c/work and preparing sessions for placement on monday morning. spent all week totally 'running to stand still'..repeat to fade.
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also while dp was away i had to do everything alone...all drop offs and pick ups etc...both his and my chores if you know what i mean!
Was totally fed up of jumping through academic hoops ...littering work with refs,going theextra mile to get brownie points etc and had a bit of a childish 'cant be arsed' couple of months.
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come Easter and the begininng of a break i could afford to think about recent death of paul..my lovely fil...had a wobbly week
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had a breast cancer scare in april ...when i should have been revising i was writing long letters to ds and crying all night...prob also linked to paul's death?
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got the all clear and thought...''exams arent important...dont sweat it..''...and didnt lift a finger to revise!!
ho hum...i got a first last year cos i worked and worked and WORKED.however i know im still going to be BITTERLY disappointed this year...even though i know that i cant possibly have done anywhere near aswell this year...and dont deserve to either.
im just thinking outloud to try and prepare myself for the inevitable.
any shouts of reason and perspective (''and?...so?'')warmly received
results out tomorrow [puke]