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Parenting

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Original poster

Just slapped ds1 - help please - bit long, sorry

15 replies

Eeek · 11/07/2006 20:22

I've just lost my temper and slapped ds1 so hard I can see the mark of my hand. I don't agree with physical punishment, but even that would be better than what I did - which was lose my temper and lash out. I feel completely cr*p and I'm frightened it will happen again.
Potty training had always been a problem but ds1 has really regressed since ds2 was born 6 months ago. He keeps pooing in his pants, won't tell me when he's done it. We can be at home or out. The books tell you to ignore it and it'll sort itself out but it's been 6 very long months and we don't seem to be getting anywhere. I get stressed, he plays up and then I get more stressed. I slapped him because he was trying to kick ds2. Now I think about it he had no intention of hitting him but I reacted as if he did.
Help please! I know hitting him was wrong so please don't have a go at me about that.

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 11/07/2006 20:23

How old is he?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 11/07/2006 20:25

Okay, is the pooing the issue or something else?

I think there may certainly be issues of sibling rivalry, but im wondering what you are doing to deal with this. Certainly rewarding good behaviour and ignoring bad is the best way to go but i think that things are a bit to het up for you to do this reasonably atm.

There may be a reason why he is pooing - has the GP looked into this? Might be worth taking him along.

NotQuiteCockney · 11/07/2006 20:28

God, poor you. I can certainly see why you'd lose it in those circumstances.

First of all, do you have good support? Do you get time off?

Does DS1 ever poo in the pot? And does he tell you when he needs to wee? Or does he need to be reminded? Did he used to poo at set times, or tell you when he needed to go, or what?

And have you considered putting DS1 back in pull-ups, as a natural consequence of him not bothering to tell you when he needed to poo?

nicnack2 · 11/07/2006 20:29

dont stress yourself about it. my ds1 is often having ago at ds2 who is 4 months. latest thing is to try and poke his eyes out

mustrunmore · 11/07/2006 20:31

Good. My ds2 wont be the only child with empty eye sockets then. On the plus side, he's only been kicked once today by ds1 (who, incidentally, pooed on the settee).

Blu · 11/07/2006 20:38

How old is he eeek?

I think it is quite common to regerss in toilet training - Ds certainly did when he started school.

I have v v occasionally slapped DS - against the goals I set for myself and what I believe in. I have always apologised to him, said I was sorry, that I didn't think I should have hit him. It has been in the form of "I was very angry because you did this, that and the other - I don't like it when you do that. BUT I wish I hadn't hit you - it wasn't the right thing to do". (imo there's a difference between that and 'I'm sorry I hit you BUT you did this, that or the other').

That's an option you have if you feel like it.

You have noted the pattern you get into - can you 'coach' yourself to break the pattern by deciding to take a different tack. if he is whining, say, very cheerfully 'oh, I'd LOVE to hear what you are saying, but i can only hear happy voices', and walk off, cheerfully and DO something until he comes round? (for example)

Marina · 11/07/2006 20:47

I must try that "I can only hear happy voices" tack at work, that might liven up a few meetings Blu
Eeek, we all have these moments where we say or do something we really regret afterwards. We had terrible problems with ds and withholding/soiling after our second child was stillborn prematurely and I still feel so guilty about how I spoke to him about it
I have so much sympathy for your situation - crappy pants on a daily basis are horrible to deal with, really demoralising. We tried star charts, with some success, but there is a definite age window when these work best and I suspect your son is a bit young.
It took about a year and a half to straighten our ds out and he still won't go regularly. But the soiling is a thing of the past.
I think if messy pants really upset you (they did me) try to hide that if you can. Apparently ignoring it is the best solution in the long-term.
And as others say, some regression in potty-training is very common especially if there is a new sibling around. Doesn't make it any easier to put up with though

Greensleeves · 11/07/2006 21:21

Oh poor you, you must feel terrible

Calm down - it's not the end of the world.

I would apologise and have a talk with him about how and why it happened, why you lost your temper and why it was wrong for you to smack him in the same way that it was wrong for him to kick ds2.

You'll both get over it. I haven't got time to read the thread because dh is working overtime from home again, but I hope you don't get any unhelpful responses. xx

SSSandy · 11/07/2006 21:36

How old is ds1?

We had a poo bucket and a packet of wet tissues handy so dd would run and dump pooey pants in the bucket, shouting happily "mummy I pooed in my pants" to which I'd always say (very sweetly)"Oh have you? Ok let's your wipe your bottom then"

It drove me MAD, it drives everyone mad even if they don't have a baby to cope with. She might drop pants in the poo bucket 4 x a day. You're normal, he's normal, it's a phase and it passes. Hang in there.

Depending on his age, if he kicked/attacked the baby, I'd probably pick him up (without showing aggression) and carry him out of the room where the baby is and say he has to play in a room by himself for a bit because he hurt the baby until I come and get him. When I went in to get him, I'd be nice and not mention it again.

Dunno if that's the right response but that's how I'd do it.

Original poster

Eeek · 11/07/2006 21:48

Oh - you are so kind to reply! Mustrunmore - you made me feel so much better.

I think the pooing is the issue because I get so stressed about it ds1 then plays up and we escalate until something horrible happens. Tonight him kicking (or not) ds2 and me slapping him. Usually I get very shouty. I hate myself like this.

ds1 is 3.5 and is generally brilliant with ds2. I'm not sure why things have got so bad lately. Ds2 is waking a couple of times a night so I'm knackered (maybe I'll post about that separately)

I like the idea of the poo bucket. I have apologised but I like the way you phrase it Blu. I'll do that again tomorrow.

What do you think of putting him back into nappies?

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 11/07/2006 21:49

I'd put him back into nappies. Sod it. And make clear (gently, sadly) you're disappointed him, but if he can't be more sensible about his poos, you've got to take away the Big Boy Pants and put him back in nappies. And let it go for a while until he wants to go back into pants.

SSSandy · 11/07/2006 21:54

I remember the carer at daycare telling me that boys are often slower than girls and she knew plenty of 4-5 year old boys who still wore nappies. Maybe you'd just be more relaxed with the nappies which benefits everyone. Six months down the track, the baby will be letting you sleep and you might all cope better with it.

Original poster

Eeek · 12/07/2006 08:53

thanks. We'll do nappies while everything calms down then might try staying at home and letting him run naked. He keeps saying he wants to be little again - maybe I should just let him.

OP posts:

brimfull · 12/07/2006 09:02

eeek,I have been there ,done it ,got the t-shirt.I know how crap it makes you feel and act.I had to give up the pants for a while (only a few weeks) and start again.Actually my dh had a week off work and he was much more patient than me so he dealt with the pooing side.It worked and you do actually see the other side
Good luck and don't feel bad ...shit happens! hahahaha!

Chandra · 12/07/2006 09:15

Eeek, we ocassionally have to put DS in nappies and after he really un did all his potty trainning in a week we have decided to use the nappies saying they are especially for some situation, for example, if we are traveling long haul he has to use pull ups (it never fails as soon as take of or landing starts he wants to go to the toilet!). We call them his "airplane knickers" (not nappies) and so on, this helps to differentiate that you are putting him in nappies because of a special situation rather than because he is not capable of acting as a potty trained child.

If he has expressed he want to be younger again and regressing is an action towards it, could you explain to him how much you enjoy his age? I have found that telling DS that he is a big boy now doesn't trill him at all mainly because we only say that when he has to do something he fears he won't enjoy or when he is misbehaving. I would explain to him that the baby needs more attention because he is young but that you enjoy very much to spend hours doing with him all the things you can't do with a baby, tell him that you take so much care of a baby because you want the baby to be a nice bright boy like he is and probably he will realise then that is not such a bad thing to grow up, and that he is not loosing you to the baby.

Probably I'm talking rubish but if I'm not, hope that helps

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