Bedtime battle - we all want to cry

[Dillytante]

We really need help. 2 weeks ago we put out DDs aged 3&6 in a room together. We've been wanting to do this for a while but both of them can be a pain to get to sleep so were reluctant. The crux came when the 3 year old was waking in the night begging not to be left alone.

Since then bedtimes have gone from bad to worse. The 3 year old won't go to sleep without a fight & really winds the 6 yr old up. The 6 yr old is hugely intolerant & comes out telling tales at every incident. DH & I are up & down stairs sorting out fighting & trying to convince them to sleep. It invariably culminates in screaming matches & they are rarely asleep before 9. DH & are so stressed, we have a lot else going on & both dread bedtimes.

We don't really want to go back now as the 3 year old is at least sleeping through. Plus her old room is a tiny box room which was never supposed to be her bedroom. It's not like they were great at going to bed anyway.

Please give us some advice. We are all on the verge of tears tonight.

put the 3 yr old to bed earlier than the 6 yr old

do you stagger bedtime? put the younger child to bed at least half an hour before the older child

We thought of that but I'm not sure the 3 yr old would be asleep within half an hour then might just create anyway when the older one goes to bed. Maybe we'll try that tomorrow though.

sounds pretty horrible for you and DH :(

You say there's a lot of interaction at/after bedtime - you and DH constantly up and down stairs laying down the law. I think that's the first thing I'd look at - there's a risk that it is inadvertently encouraging your DCs' behaviour by providing a reward (in the form of your attention - it doesn't matter that it's not positive attention, it's still attention).

Erm, here's where I run out of actual concrete suggestions on what to do...hopefully someone will be along in a minute to fill that bit in...

Good luck! This too shall pass.

Mine are younger but with similar age gap and will eventually share a room.

How about the good old sticker chart? Only rather than reward each one individually you reward both of them (somehow) to foster team building. Not sure youngest would understand completely but the oldest probably would.

Or plug in the baby monitor and tell the older one you can hear them and know exactly what is happening. You need to get her to quit tale telling, does she do that generally? Could she be miffed at having to share after having a room to herself?

Have you tried a sleep cd. One called 'sleep sleep now' which is available from amazon but is apparently cheaper on iTunes saved our lives.should be fine for both children. Put on. Children listen and fall asleep. No, I didn't believe it either but have recommended it to others and it has worked for them (no I don't work for company either :-)). Sympathy

give the 3 yr old an hour to get to sleep then?

if right now they're rarely asleep before 9 then you could do 7pm for the 3yr old and 8pm for 6 yr old. not ideal, but better than it is at the moment!

alternatively you could start one of them off in your bed and then transfer them?

OR, tell them that if they can't share nicely they'll have to go back in separate rooms

Agree with putting 3 yr old in bed earlier.
Even though older dd is complaining about small one there would be a little bit of many children welcoming something else to fuss about and get your attention with at bed time.
Divide and conquer.

we've got exactly the same - a 3 yr old and a 6 yr old but they've shared for nigh on two years now. Our problem is that neither of them appear to be able to stand the other one having attention so the idea of putting them to bed separately is a non-starter, the non-concentrated on child will just drift to where the other one is and pull at your sleeve, climb up your jumper, sit on your head.. I do realise everyone else on here will say we just haven't tried hard enough.

We've just re-framed the problem, the thing that really matters is 6 year old DD getting her sleep - she's at school, she needs to be able to concentrate. 3 yr old DS can, and does nap during the day if he's not had enough sleep. So we are guided by DD's needs, They go to bed when she needs to - usually start at 7.00 for an 8.00 lights out, but we bring it forward if she's tired - about once a week DS just won't go to sleep and he stays up around us until 10.00/ 11.00 when we go to bed. we ignore him and watch very dull BBC4 documentaries (okay we like them, but we are trying to make staying up not exciting) he sits on the rug and plays with cars/ lego.

I hope that like DD, when he starts school and needs his sleep he'll be better at going to bed (she was also awful previously), And if not, everyone can say 'I told you so'.

Definitely give staggered bedtime a go. What kind of routine do you currently have in place?

You could make going to bed at different times, really special, i.e. DC1 cuddles on the sofa with Daddy and reads a story, whilst DC2 goes to bed and Mummy sits on the floor for 15 min. I don't know how you feel about staying in the room with them after they're down for the night, but it's an option.

I would have a firm chat during the day, your 6yo is definitely old enough to understand that bedtime means staying in bed, and not coming out to fight/tell tales etc. Can you have a marble jar for staying bed? I found my younger lot LOVED the marble jar, and it definitely improved behaviour.

Also, could your 3yo be overtired - hence the fighting sleep every night? Put bedtime forward for the younger one, and send your 6yo to bed at the current time.

Last point... Cut the interaction out, as another poster said. DC get out of bed: "It's bedtime love, goodnight". Take them back to bed, no eye contact, no conversations, no long tucking in/getting drinks/exchanging kisses (BTW, I'm not saying cut this out entirely, just cut out multiple sessions of it!). It'll be hell for a few nights with them up and down, but the message will get through. DS4 and DD used to run us in circles - we once took them back to bed a total of 89 times in 3 hours!

Just stay firm and consistent - and be prepared for a few hard nights. Then you'll be away laughing! Good luck and hope you're now enjoying a cup of