My 'rules' - i seem to have excluded dh

[acnebride]

i've just been off on a weekend with an old friend - two nights off and TWO lie-ins. Fantastic. So I can hardly blame dh for getting through the weekend any way he could.

But I find myself ever so slightly miffed to find that ds has been watching loads of DVDs in the morning (MY rule is none in the morning, max 45 mins in the pm) and all of a sudden ds has had Coco Pops for breakfast (I try and force porridge down him, or cook him scrambled egg, or give him Sainsbury's Raisin Wheats which I have 'approved'.) plus he slept in our bed (we did a big campaign a few months ago and got him to sleep in his bed, finally).

I feel, actually, like a big muesli jailer weaving lentils in the corner and wagging a big finger, with dh probably casting his eyes to the ceiling and 'agreeing' to MY rules to keep the peace, while really thinking that I'm a Parenting Nazi.

I thought we'd agreed these rules together - clearly not. Have you tackled formulating rules with your dh at all? and how? i'm clearly not getting it right.

but I just can't see myself giving ds coco pops. I just can't. Not now, while he's 2 and still malleable.

Ladies, I came down this morning to find DD sitting in her highchair noshing a biscuit . When I asked DH why she was eating that rather than weetabix, he simply said "because she refused the weetabix and she likes it!" . No doubt when I am toting some fruit or whatever, her wee eyes will look longingly at the biscuit tin and bad cop will have to say no!

Do you think I could put him on Ebay?

My DH is a complete push over and he does bend the rules when I am not there. The upshot is that DD follows him around the house constantly looking for his attention while giving me a break! Let him carry on, your kids won misbehave for you because they know they wont get away with it and you can be sure your DH will suffer in the long term.

This all sounds so familiar. I think most mums get the bad cop role just because we are there most of the time and so know if we don't enforce veg / porridge / bed times etc then it'll be us that deals with the consequences.

My DS seems to deal with this pretty OK in that he know's if Mum says no that that means no. However, he has started going to my DH and saying "Mum says I can....." when I've said no such thing - and then my DH lets him. He's only 3.7 !

Hmmm, this used to be an issue in our house too when dd was younger.

I am the sort of person who likes rules and consistency...its just part of my personality and I know/have learnt that it makes dealing with a 3 year old much easier BUT, I have finally come around to accepting that dp is allowed to have a completely different personality to me (much less strict about rules and a bit more wey hey, go with the flow IYKWIM). I have also realised that he needs to be allowed to 'parent' and it can't be my way or the highway all the time.

As a result we have agreed on which 'rules' are set in stone i.e. bedtime routine...and the rest...well if it's not on my watch then let them get on with it.

I feel dd is now old enough to know that daddy has a different way of doing things and it really doesn't bother me letting her know that she can't do these things with me .

P.S. she also knows that if I'm at home then I'm the boss

Annoying, but when you look back on your childhood it's nice to remember the times when "bad cop" was away and the mice played! I actually don't think children like, love or respect bad cop any the less for it either - it can sort of be a relief to get back into the routine and have the rules enforced.

I haven't left DS with DP for a long time yet as he's not old enough but I bet he'll be like this - more out of cluelessness than anything - "What's wrong with coco pops?"

I hate the idea of good cop bad cop. horrible.
in our house the first parents who sees trouble deals with it, and other parent backs up the other in front of the children. ( if other parent not happy brief chat away from kids sorts it out)

I hate the idea of the cop routine as it doesnt work if a parent leaves or dies. the bad cop has no idea about disapline , has never said 'no' to a child or thought about what life would be like with no rules , routine or stability would be like. In fact the bad cop is deciding that parenting is based purely on being a childs friend, not a parent. It makes good cops life more difficult.

so in short it wouldnt suit me!!!

you're the ace of serenity heymamma

i have to assume that if God forbid something did happen to me that dh would be on mumsnet the same evening. I'm bequeathing him my password

you all are scary with all these strict rules about food and DVDs. to me they are very strict and a source of unecessary anxiety and conflict. I can see the point of your husband relaxcing the rules when they can. i would not got to the oppposite total junk food and being a slob in front of the TV, but hey they are not going to suffer if they have a few more fruit shoot, or a few coco pops. as long as they have the healthy stuff as well. you worry too much ab9ut keeoing these rules or your are not good enough
this is why i feel I dont fit in here

I am sure you do fit in, we are all different! Honest. I am very lax about other things that would probably make you shudder , we all ahve our hobby horses or soap boxes or whatever the phrase is.

I have probably taken on the food nazi role as dp is so lax. If I wasn't super strict we would be living on breakfast in a tin and co co pops. I don't like her eating them as they send her hyper as do lots of chocolates and sweets and I worry about her teeth.

Hey, is there some kind of "you're the mummy" psychology thing going on here with these dhs? - I know my dh can roll his eyes big teenager stylie when I do or say the "sensible" things - as if I were HIS mum. Drives me up the wall, however much I adore him. Don't we just hate it when dh and the kids both gang up on us and our fondness for keeping everyine on a happy even keel?

And I don't know about anyone else, but I don't just go for healthy food/doing "good" stuff 'cos I am a control freak - I just know that it's me that will have to sort out the mess later and deal with a child that is zoomed up on e numbers and scary films if they get overdone.

When I go out "my" rules about food, behaviour, bedtime etc all go out the window, but what I always find it reassuring is that despite all these treats and extra privileges, DS has missed me incredibly and clings me when I get home! Think little ones actually like rules.

Looks like I am the worst mum on mumsnet as contrary to everyone else it is always me who has the most problems getting ds to sleep/eat etc. He behaves much better with dh who is more consistent and calmer. Dh does give him more rubbishy type food sometimes (we are taliking the odd croissant here not tons of chocolate) but ds gets away with much less with dh than he does with me. I do pay for it more though (whoever made the point earlier about being followed and whinged at more was right) as they learn pretty early who is more likely to cave in for an easier life in the short-term

It does happen and I used to get uptight baout it but I've learnt that just makes unhappy mum and dad.

My tip is to decide which are the really important things and also agree that if you 'break' a rule you have to deal with the fallout.

Ie if I let DS fall asleep on his bottle I have to spend the next two nights reteaching him to go back to sleep on his own.
If DH brings DS back late from saturday club and he is too tired to eat lunch then DH has to deal with DS over lunchtime nap and getting food into him.

Our rules for our 15month old are:
No sweeties
Bedtime between 6 and 7.30pm (usually 7/7.30pm)
No shouting or hitting (us)
Naptime after lunch
CC methods for going to sleep

then there's the give and take,
homemade v jars of food
biscuit when he won't eat his dinner
TV on to distract him while you have a cuppa
etc etc,
we each have our own ways of doing things.

I think it is important to have a level of consistancy. DH does about 30% of childcare so we try and make sure we follow the same routine. On the other hand if it was once a month I'd be a bit more relaxed about it.

I am fiarly strict about routine if DS stays with GParents as I think he needs the reassurance of the same things happening at the same time. However I don't expect them to do CC - and I think he needs the extra reassurance so if he wakes up in a strange room, his grandma cuddles him to sleep.

I have just sat down at the computer, having put 2 year old to bed with usual "controlled crying" at the stairgate. Within 15 minutes, he was asleep. Greeted at my bedroom door with 3 year old putting washing away. Thanked her for helping, asked where's daddy? "lying on the floor". She was fully dressed, hadn't been to the toilet, hadn't had her teeth brushed, no sign of pyjamas or dedtime stories or milk being drunk, all lights blazing ... Why I asked? "She didn't want to go to bed, she wanted to put the washing away". Yes, and ??? You're the bloody parent DP!!

This happens all the time. He moans about how late they go to bed, how it all gets him down - but is not either willing or able to implement the solution, ie strict consistent routines and discipline AND NOT UNDERMINING ME! It's like a dark tunnel with no light at the end, how can I ever make any progress if I'm constantly undermined.

It's not that I'm not flexible when need be, I just don't understand how he can be the golden boy at work getting commendations for wonderful things he's done when he can't grasp such a simple concept at home (end justifies means", "no pain no gain" spring to mind.

Sorry. Just caught me at a bad moment. evening now gone due to arguing over crap childcare from DP for umpteenth time. Grrr!

there is lots of food for thought here for me (thanks riab and others) but oh woodheys do i recognise that scenario - esp the 'oh he doesn't want to...' gosh what a surprise he's 2! tbh i don't think there's much point in arguing about it though, because in no time at all ds will be telling us off for doing things wrong

i think that's partly why i went away - so dh did have to deal with all the fallout

i've also calmed down having looked at the coco pops ingredients list which isn't at all bad

Of course it's only OK for DH/DP to "relax the rules" if he (or conceivably she!) is generally onside, generally understands their importance and doesn't undermine you when you're both there. I like DS spending time with DP and having things done differently, it's part of them getting to know each other, which is important as DP sees less of him. But I don't mean to suggest that your scenario is OK Woodheys - sounds infuriating. Could you get him a book or sit him down in front of one of those parenting telly programmes?

thanks for advice snowleopard. I have on 1 or 2 occasions when things have reached a head (!) got him to sit down and read some relevant parts of the childcare books we have, but with no noticeable results.
When toddler taming type progammes are on, he does tend to watch and seemingly take it all in. I have pointed out that he'd be a prime candidate, and if he was watching himself on one of those programmes he'd be shouting at the telly telling them the error of their ways. When asked was he not willing or not able, he put on his hard-done-to face and said "perhaps I'm just not able". Grrrrrrrrr!!!!
(Sorry, this is all very therapeutic for me, I'm still a bit of a novice at mumsnet, it's like having a good old moan to an old mate).

Ooh tough one woodheys - could you try getting a bit firmer? Point out some spoilt older child and say something like "that is what ours could end up like if they always get their own way... by having rules and both backing them up we'd be doing them a big favour." Tell him you'd like to do something about it now and you want to sit down together and work out a way to proceed where you both parent the kids properly - if he won't, ask him what his parenting suggestions are, and fall back on the argument that it is helping children in the long run to give them boundaries and stick to them.

It might also help to talk about his childhood - not trying to get all pop-psychology on you but sometimes people parent the way they do because they're just trying to be like, or more often not like, their own parents...

Welcome to MN anyway!

Thanks Snowleopard. Your thinking is along the lines of my thinking. (In fact I teach kids who have never had clear boundaries set by their parents so I know how they end up!!) Hope Acnebride has found some answers or at least feels a problem shared is a problem halved, this thread and people's various responses have certainly got me thinking ...