My 'rules' - i seem to have excluded dh

[acnebride]

i've just been off on a weekend with an old friend - two nights off and TWO lie-ins. Fantastic. So I can hardly blame dh for getting through the weekend any way he could.

But I find myself ever so slightly miffed to find that ds has been watching loads of DVDs in the morning (MY rule is none in the morning, max 45 mins in the pm) and all of a sudden ds has had Coco Pops for breakfast (I try and force porridge down him, or cook him scrambled egg, or give him Sainsbury's Raisin Wheats which I have 'approved'.) plus he slept in our bed (we did a big campaign a few months ago and got him to sleep in his bed, finally).

I feel, actually, like a big muesli jailer weaving lentils in the corner and wagging a big finger, with dh probably casting his eyes to the ceiling and 'agreeing' to MY rules to keep the peace, while really thinking that I'm a Parenting Nazi.

I thought we'd agreed these rules together - clearly not. Have you tackled formulating rules with your dh at all? and how? i'm clearly not getting it right.

but I just can't see myself giving ds coco pops. I just can't. Not now, while he's 2 and still malleable.

I sympathise acnebride. DH & I have discussed rules for DS (8 months) when he's older, but I erckon they'd go out of the window very quickly if I ever had to leav ethe 2 of them alone for a weekend (DH gave DS a nutella sandwich yesterday).

I reckon blokes are of the "anything for a quiet life - if it keeps him quiet while I read thepaper/play playstation/have a kip" school of thought where we're of the "I'M the one at home with him most of the time having to deal with his tantrums becaus eyou've given into him and now he can't understand why mummy won't"

When I had to stay in hospital with ds the rules on eating etc. quickly went out of the window as well. Were re-established promptly once I got back! And the dd's accepted that now normality was the order of the day again.

I'll often come in from dancing or slimming world to find dd still up 2 hours after bedtime because she was calling "Daddeeee I want a cuddle" and he couldn't leave her or get strict. He just doesn't get it that she does it because she knows he can't resist. She never does it when he's out at night and I'm on my own.

I once said no to a 2nd doughnut as we were about to leave the beach to go home for tea. "Can she have one?" he asks. "No, it's too close to tea" says I. "Oh, but she says she wants one". Surfermum looks at dh in amazement and points out the bleedin' obvious "but you're the parent Surferdad, just tell her she can't".

I feel the same acnebride! It's like I'm bad cop and he's good cop.

I've just accepted that they are my rules. The kids know bedtime and go without being asked when I'm in, but if dp is in charge they are up 'til they fall asleep in our bed. The same applies for most things (he'll let them play on his ps for alot longer than I'd like, and gives them macdonalds milkshakes on occasion, where I won't go in the place)

If I want time out, it's something I have to put up with.

when I'm not here Dh can do what he wants with them....

put yourself in your kdis palce. mummy goes away for the weekend. suddenly daddy is doing all tyhe childcare alone. your ds will feel a tad anxious. daddy is trying his best, but knows that coco pops dvds and sleeping in mummys bed will make ds feel a bit better and not as anxious.

is it really such a bad thing that for 2nights out of the year the rules change? really?

I must admit when dp started working in the evenings and all day Sunday, I bent the usual rules slightly - It was to make them feel better that it was OK for Mummy Dot to be looking after them on her own (!) and also to make me feel better by treating them - so we'd all be in a better mood... So, when it's just me, ds1 tends to get away with having vimto with his lunch, not water. They'll watch more telly and probably eat more crap (or less good things). But my bed time routine is much stricter - so bath time's shorter and there's a strict 2 books each before bed.

Ahem. Not showing me in a good light, but they've adapted to having rules when I'm on my own and rules when dp's on her own. The trick is what to do when we're together with them - and they seem to instinctively know that dp is actually the boss and what she says, goes!!

This is really common. However DH and I sat down and discussed bedtime rules with teh girls (they are 5 and 7) and they know that is standard. They do try to get away with other stuff, but hey life is too short. Be consistant with your own rules and don't be swayed by dad's 'soft touch'

Message withdrawn

I would say you had a problem if your DH regularly undermined your rules. It doesnt seem so in this case though.

Sounds to me very much like your DH has had a bit of a weekend "treat" together with his children (who will have missed you, even though you hold yourself up as a porridge punishing nazi lol), whilst you have had your "treat" with your friend. I dont see the harm in it.

I would say you had a problem if your DH regularly undermined your rules. It doesnt seem so in this case though.

Sounds to me very much like your DH has had a bit of a weekend "treat" together with his children (who will have missed you, even though you hold yourself up as a porridge punishing nazi lol), whilst you have had your "treat" with your friend. I dont see the harm in it.

We have rules. Dh is more bothered about some, and I am more bothered about others. And sometimes we all sit together and eat chocolate spread on toast for breakfast in front of the tv.

This could be my first clique . The Porridge Punishing Nazi. Love it!

I think I've worried that dd isn't getting consistency if we both do things differently, or that once dh gives in to her over something she'll expect it all the time and get difficult She's 3 and never had a tantrum.

But actually I think those of you that say that as long as dh doesn't undermine me when we're together, it really doesn't matter.

Good. I can carry on being a laid-back mum.

I also let my DH get on with it. He buys them sweets and gives them Penguins for breakfast but he rarely looks after them on his own so I see it as their treats when they do have the privaledge of his company!

Also, we did have words once about giving DS chocoalte weetos for brekkie, and DH said "how was I to know he shouldn't have them if they are in the cupboard" which is a fair point really.

I too am a PPN. DH has DD (15 months) about 1 /2 days a month whilst I work. All manner of unsuitable things consumed, late bedtimes, milk overdose, etc - I'm OK about that rule breaking. Playing with the confiscated horse (a birthday present that DD likes rocking on whilst standing!), tearing up newspapers, running around on the bed etc - I'm distinctly un OK about those things, and we do argue about it.

I suppose the answer is to agree which rules are completely non negotiable and which softy DP / DH can break if he absolutely must.... haven't quite reach an understanding with DH on that one but am working on it.

my hubby brought our DS some ironbru drink at the weekend... I was horrified...

My two rush to go up the paper shop with Daddy because he will buy them a fruit shoot

God, loads of responses!

feel a lot better that i'm not the only one this happens to...

of course the coco pops weren't in the cupboard , dh ate the raisin wheats himself and bought them for ds...

i think i'll chill!

My dh is usually pretty good but he does often put Coco Pops or Frosties on the shopping list cos ds asks for them but my (our?) rule is to avoid sugary cereals as long as possible. And he takes them to MacDonalds which I never do.
But generally he os pretty good even when I'm not there.

You had a holiday - so did your ds. Chill.

Um.. if they aren't allowed coco pops etc.. why have them in the house in the first place?
If my kids aren't 'allowed' certain things then I simply don't buy them, no chance of them getting them then.

I agree with 3bob.. needs must your child was well looked after and loved whilst you were gone, what's the problem

I am the bad cop here, whenever I am away for any kind of reason or working late I know dp gives dd sweets and lets her stop up late. He has also been known to smuggle co co pops into the house.

He does it as he does not have to deal with the consequences.

If it was a one of holiday I woudl just let it go and even smile about it. It annoys me more in my case as it is a more regular occurance and dp knows how I feel about it.