Bedtimes for 4 children or more.

[confusedabouted]

I have 4 kids aged 5,4,3 and 1, also have another due december.

We have always co slept in some form with all of them,at the moment bedtimes seem to go like this.

Husband spends about an hour getting the boys to bed and lying with them til they go to sleep.

I do the same with the one year old(in my bed) but it takes about half an hour,while dd,3,pays in her room,then i go and lie with her til she falls asleep.

I either leave husband to sleep,especially its not that late,and then go downstairs and sort everything out for the next day and tidy up if its messy,etc,watch tv.

Sometimes i will wake him up but it usually goes the same way but he will do some of the stuff that needs doing.

We need to sort something out by the time the baby comes(due 19th!!!)because its not working for me anymore,my day feels like it goes on forever,i need to get all the stuff done by the time they go to bed or just after,and they need to at least be starting off in their own bed.

Ideally i would like to just be able to put the older 3 to bed,red a story ,kiss them and say goodnight and then thats it,is that unreasonable to expect?

The younger one has a cot in my daughters room but has never slept in it,CC or CIO is NOT an option,so i guess im just stuck with lying with him til hes older arent i?I dont mind lying with him as much,its the others really.

Any advuce would be appreciated!Thanks!x

Sorry should of said husband always falls asleep with the older 2 when he lies with them.

And at bedtime at the moment,i am sleeping with ds3 who is 1,in my bed,and dh is sleeping with dd in her (double) bed.ANd he can end up anywhere throughout the night depending on who wakes up!

Blimey, so to get this straight, none of them go to sleep by themselves or sleep through? And you don't want to cc or CIO? What about gradual retreat?

Well, I have always done bath, teeth, story, said goodnight and that's it. At 5, 4 and 3 they should be old enough to get this if you are consistent. The 1 year old may take a bit longer to get the hang of it but mine all settled in this way before they were 1.

If mine cried or shouted for me in the night (and ds's 2&3 both had spells of this) I went, immediately to their rooms and resettled them but didn't take them out of the room unless they were unwell and only then if I felt it was really necessary.

It may be a bit late for this approach, but from when DS was about 18 months I put him to bed, read him a story and left him to go to sleep by himself. He very rarely came downstairs, only if there was a problem.

I'd always had enough by 7/7.30 and was ready to sit and have dinner with dh in peace. I couldn't have done all that lying with them waiting for them to go to sleep malarky!

No none of them really,the older two dont come to me in the night they always go to dh,they dont moan or anything we just literally wake up and theres an extra person or two there!

My dd still wakes if she is in her own bed and always come to me,she doesnt always wake me up either but i just think when the new baby comes i dont tihnk i can manage 3 in bed with me,ive done 2 so thats ok,but ideally,the older 3 would sleep in their own beds,and me and dh would at least start out the night sleeping together,with 1 yr old with us.

Im not sure what gradual retreat is,but it sounds like too much hard work!Im ok with laying with the youngest just not the older 3,if i try to just say goodnight and go they make me feel guilty!

but what did you do when you went back to the room,what do people mean by settle them,cuddles,feeding,rocking?

I'd only do all that rocking and stuff if there was a major problem like a nightmare.

If ds tried to come downstairs after he'd been put to bed I would just take him back, check there was no problem then tuck him in, leave the light on and go back downstairs. They soon get the message that 7pm (or whatever) is sleep time.

Really?So what does settle them mean thenif it doesnt mean actually comforting them?

When they were babies I would normally just lie them back down re insert dummy to settle them. If they were particularly upset I would pick them up and cuddle them first. As toddlers I would go in and tell them it was night time, a hug or pat on the back and let them know I wasn't far away.

I'd really recommend reading the No Cry Sleep Solution.

Gradual retreat is just moving a bit further away every few nights. So lie the other side of the bed, then in a chair by the bed, then move the chair til you're out of the room.

TBH i think you should tackle this. It's doing them no favours. I think it's a great gift to a child to teach them how to get to sleep on their own. Your eldest will be doing sleepovers soon and how will he cope? I also wonder how on earth you cope with having no time for you as a couple, would drive me crackers!

DS is 3.4. We read a story in bed after bath and i kiss him and say goodnight. I put his star projector on and leave. He's asleep in 15 mins max, usually less than 5. If he wakes with a nightmare he gets a cuddle til settled otherwise (and it's rare) i take him back and say night night and leave.

Good luck OP. I'm afraid it will take a lot of work and you need to want it to work and your DH to be on board.

Really?So what does settle them mean thenif it doesnt mean actually comforting them?

But they only need "comforting" if they're distressed, eg if they have a tummy ache or had a nightmare. Most nights they don't need comforting, just to be told it's bed time now, and you'll see them tomorrow.

My DP takes our youngest (almost 2) to bed and stays with him for a while, it's now been shortened to about 15 minutes unless he's poorly and DP stays upstairs in our room to do things and keep an ear out until the girls' are in bed (another 15-20 minutes afterwards). He isn't in a cot so it's mainly to enforce staying in bed and making sure the next two don't wake him while I put them to bed.

4 and 6 year old get their bathroom routines, a story, their clock flicked over (they have one that goes from night to day because 6 year old was waking earlier and earlier, so watching the 'sun set' is part of the routine), and then a good night.

9 year old gets a story with a drink and a goodnight and is sent up to do his night routine by himself. His is obviously later.

We co-slept with all of ours as infants (I have hip problems that giving birth makes worse so getting in and out of bed is quite painful for a while), moving them out to their own beds between 10-18 months. During the transition, we often put a mattress on the floor for ourselves to crash on if they got out of bed. DS1 was the hardest and was closer to 3 years before he consistently slept through, the others have taken less and less time (possible because they share a room). My youngest only took a few weeks, he's not two and now stays in bed until morning and then comes into mine for a feed and a slow wake up (as long as he hasn't pulled off his nappy in the night, then it is instant wake up to battle stations to check and prevent damage ).I hope you find a system that suits you better, you read as a bit dragged down by it all.

Last night was a bit better,i lay with the youngest two(in dds room) and dh lay with the oldest two(in boys room),it took about half an hour i think,then me and dh had some sex and Alan Partridge quality time and went to sleep,dd and one of the boys came into our room at some point so i took her back into her bed and slept in there with her and youngest,and ds slept in my bed with dh,eldest ds slept on his own i think.

Phew!

Not perfect but at least we got a few hours together which i think is becoming more important as we are having more kids.On reflection i dont mind the lying with them as long as it doesnt take too long,and when they wake up in the night its nice to snuggle up to them,they will grow out of it eventually.

My 5 yo DS would love me to lie with him every night but I just won't do it :) I only have 3 DC but need some me/DH time and time to finish off what needs doing around the house. I like to be in bed by 9 if I haven't got anything on as baby still waking quite a lot at night.

So, DS (5) gets put to bed with a story, little bit of chat/"sit with me" time (as in 5-10 mins max) and then if he really makes me feel bad I pop back to him in between getting dinner etc. We stopped sitting with him until he was asleep when he was able to understand and reason - if necessary use a star chart or something. I used to still sit with him until sleep occasionally (and stroke his hand or hair) until DD (now aged 5 months) was born but since that I genuinely don't have the energy or inclination and he is not distressed about it!

DD (8) gets some chat time and then I (or DH) just leave and say good night. She reads until she is tired enough to sleep then turns out the light and that's it. Sometimes this is as late as 9pm but we allow her to manage it herself.

DD (5 months) gets fed, put in her cot and left - again I pop back a couple of times until she is properly asleep. She goes down at 6.30pm so this is done before the older ones get their story/chat time (usually while they are in bath/shower). She gurgles and chats until she falls asleep - it wouldn't occur with me to lie with her and probably that's how the older kids are used to the routine as they have never known different!

In the night we let the older kids into bed if they need to (upset/bad dream/wet bed) - but this now happens a max of once or twice a month each. Baby DD still in cot in our room - but not in our bed!

Yes i dont know if they will still want us with them when they are 9,i know in alot of cultures co sleeping goes on until late teens but i guess we will see how it works out!

We eat together about 6-6.30 so bed at 6.30 is too early for us,its more like 8ish.

Theres no way i could go to bed at 9pm!I think as long as me and dh can get those couple of hours together most nights and make sure everything is semi ready for the next day we should be ok for number 5.Obviously once shes here she will be attached to me most f the time so it wont be properly on our own,but babies are pretty easy,or have been so far.

Sometimes i get a bit panicky and sort of go "aaaah im not doing everything right the house is messy and the kids arent in bed at 6 like their friends" then i try and change everything,then realise there is a reason i do things the way we do.,and go back to doing it the way we used to,or just making a few small tweaks here and there.

Oh well if you are happy with it why change? Your OP suggested it was all getting on top of you but if that's not the case there isn't a problem.

I personally wanted my kids in bed by 7.30 latest particularly when I had a newborn as I wanted to just chill with her (and DH) and have an hour to get jobs done before I went to bed as I can't cope with a messy house. I also like to get out in the evenings at least once a week so I need the kids to be settled in order to leave them with DH or a babysitter. But everyone is different....

Yeah it does get on top of me every now and again but i think it would whatever i was doing,every now and again i just feel like im not doing everything the way i "should" be doing it :-) Had another ok night last night where they were all asleep by about 8.30 so i got a few hours to relax and get things sorted.

Gee le wee! They should ALL be able to sleep on their own. My daughter is 21 months and we give her milk while we read in our bed at 6:30pm or she watches mickey mouse on iPad and I breastfeed (don't like this, prefer reading, but all of a sudden she is obsessed w the hot dog song!). Anyway, at 7pm I tell her it's bed time and we re tired, night night and put her in sleeping bag, sing twinkle and put her in her own room while she is awake (she has 3 stuffed animals in bed to keep her company and hug). I say goodnight and leave. That's it. No fuss. On occasion she doesn't want to sleep and will cry for a min...but then sleeps easily after and it's rare when she cries. We have been putting her to bed like that awake since 6 months. Before that I would help her to sleep by breastfeeding and then sneak out (took only 5 to 10 mins). It might be more difficult for you bc they r all older. I've got a newborn now and am struggling w the having to get him to sleep by putting padifier in, bouncing him etc. I don't like the phase of fighting sleep! I just hope he is like his sister and eventually learns to sleep on his own w no fuss. My daughter doesn't mind it when we out her to bed awake, she blows us a kiss and says night night or just lies down and hugs her stuffed animals. Sometimes I hear her talking to them for a few mins, but she goes to sleep on her own. Good luck!

I dont do dummies so that wouldnt work for me!I cant see us stopping the co sleeping tbh,i dont like cots i think they are a bit cruel.I think the way we have done it the last few nights is going to work for us,it keeps the closeness there with the co sleeping but it means i still get a bit of time in the evenings to do stuff and to spend with dh.I realised last night im 36 weeks,i cant believe how close it is!even if she is 2 weeks late like 2 of them,thats only 6 weeks away,and her brother was born at 38 weeks!

I co slept with dc4 until he was about four. He stopped breast feeding at 3.5.
You may find that you can just tell the older ones what is happening and it'll be ok.
'Mummy just has to go for a wee I'll be back in a few minutes' for a few nights (go back when you say you will)
'Mummy has just remembered a jobs that needs doing I'll be back in ten minutes'
'Ive just got to go downstairs for a bit I'll be back in a bit'
Gradually they get used to you not being there.
Ds is not 4.5 and I can say goodnight and come downstairs and he's fine. It's been like this a while.
Slowly and gently does it

I think your last few posts say it all. You have found a way to do it that suits you and that is what really matters.

I can think of no better place for a baby to sleep than in a cot and it is where all of mine have slept from around two months (Moses basket before that) until around their fourth birthday. I can't see how they are cruel. I would not want to co-sleep. I have had to do it occasionally on holiday and i really don't like it. All of mine have had dummies - not pre planned but just the way things worked out. I am a routine sort of person and need my evenings to myself.

It's about working out what works best for you as a family and implementing it.

I ha

I have 4 ds age 6, 4, 2 and 8 months. Ds4 still co sleeps part of the night with me. I bath them all starting about 6.15. Then dh focuses on the oldest ones with a bit of play/reading. 7.10 is bed time wees then last quick story and the 3 eldest are lights out at 7.15. There is no lying down or holding hands etc. quick cuddle, tuck up, lights out, night night and maybe getting fresh water. I then bf baby in my room and put him in bed. He conks out but always needs restyling 30 mins later.
It has taken a lot of work persevering to get to this routine and thank goodness we have. I need a couple of hours child free in the day!