2yo behaviour and new baby

[roweeena]

Ds1 is 26months DS2 is 6 weeks. It was all going quite well but over the last week or so some problem behaviours have started to develop and I am looking for advice or anyone with past experience to help out.

DS1 has always been a daddy's boy (mainly because I think I set more boundaries and task orientated and daddy is very good at playing). Whilst DH was on paternity leave he played with DS1 and gave him lots of attention whilst I constantly fed DS2.

Now DH is back at work and DS1 obviously doesn't like that I can give him my full attention all the time. The problem is now it just feels like I'm doing all the boring stuff, setting boundaries etc and then having to look after DS2 as well. I'm sure DS1 feels like this as well.

Every time he wakes up he screams for daddy and won't let me near him. On the days that DH has already left for work he will tantrum in his cot for 30mjns because he wants daddy. Same after his lunch nap. He just won't listen when I say he has already gone to work.

He now refuses to kiss me, doesn't like DH holding DS2 and generally plays up and tantrums for me all the time. This is becoming a vicious cycle as I'm finding I have less patience with him and because daddy is being a bit of a soft touch I'm worried that he is turning into a bit of a terror and therefore I'm probably being a bit harsher on him and then he seems to dislike me even more.

How can I sort this out and get a happy balance back into family life. He is a gorgeous boy when he wants to be and I can understand his reasoning but I'm breastfeeding and so DS2 does seen to be attached to me constantly and there not much I can do about it

I had a similar age gap, and my DD1 became a violent nightmare, constantly hitting her sister.

The things which helped us were:

Positive praise, when your DS1 is doing something well (or even adequately) praise him, praise him, praise him. Try not to dwell on the bad things (I found that made me feel happier too)

Finding 20 minutes a day for one to one time - we did it at bedtime, because DD2 had her nap then, before waking up later for another feed/three hours playing at 10pm.

Finding a special job for him, with a reward chart. Can he be in charge of bringing you nappies, or sorting out clothes.

I actually used that stage to teach DD1 all her letters and numbers, she enjoyed the challenge of giving the toy the right magnet for it's initial (so peter rabbit got a 'p' etc) which at least kept her occupied during the hours of breastfeeding. I know other people recommend reading to your DS1 when you are feeding, but that never worked for us.

Most of all remember that you are doing a wonderful job, and this too will pass.

It is so tough, im also breastfeeding dd2 and have a very active 2.10 year old. I echo whats being said above try and find things that you can do with your older child whilst breastfeeding (we like drawing, playdough, jigsaws etc) dd1 barely even recognises that I'm feeding now! In regards to discipline I think the key is to try and keep the same boundaries as you had before (your dh also needs to do this). My baby is nearly 5 months now and I promise it does get easier x

I can really relate to what you are saying, I have 2DDs very similar ages to your 2. I was feeling much the same way as you but my mum came to stay for a bit and helped me to get some ideas of how to make it all easier.

I am finding that by breaking the day down into chunks and keeping to a strict routine for DD1 it is much more manageable. I plan activities for each hour e.g. something like drawing/painting/sticking/easy baking/making fruit salad etc or some version of one of those things, then move on to playing with a particular game, then maybe a walk with baby in sling and toddler in pushchair, then lunch and stories, nap time and then again in the afternoon break it up. I put out some toys/ puzzles/ building toys for when she wakes up from her nap, placed around the living room. She is excited to get up and see what is there, maybe we'll do some singing and dancing, have a tea party for soft toys. The more you do it, the more ideas you get. I find that the less she is guided, the more difficult she is to manage. Everything you introduce should be with a huge over the top amount of enthusiasm, like Mary Poppins on steroids.

It may sound like a lot of effort but once you get going you start to enjoy it and they become less demanding / destructive. Discipline doesn't seem such an issue as they feel that they have your attention so don't act up as much.

It is not easy with a breastfeeding velcro baby too, but I am just trying to do it by getting DD1 started on something then getting baby and feeding alongside her or putting baby in a sling. If baby has to cry a bit here and there then I think it's ok.

Here are some tips to help you.

1. Give him special jobs like when you bathe the baby, thw 2 year old can soap the baby's legs. When the baby cries, ask him to gently pat him back or talk softly to him. If he wants to hold his new sibling, set him up next to you and share the baby across your laps.
2. Ask his advice for cases like "Do you think the baby would like to wear the blue shirt or the yellow shirt?" or "Do you want to help me tell a story?" Toddlers often have a natural flair for entertainment — singing, dancing, or just making faces — and a baby is an appreciative audience. Not only will your child enjoy the attention, he's likely to take pride in bringing a smile to his sibling's face.
3. Watch the baby together. Invite your child to observe the baby with you. Hold him close and ask him to describe what he sees. "Look at his hands. They're so little. Can you see him kicking his feet? Can you kick your feet like that?"
4. Read stories about his new role. Reading stories about babies or about new siblings can help your toddler adjust to his new situation.
5. Let him tell the story. Make a simple picture book of your family. Ask your toddler what pictures he would like to have in the book or include some of your favorites together. Once the pictures are in the book, you can ask him what words he'd like on each page or add a simple text yourself.
6. Acknowledge his feelings.
7. Spend a little time alone with him.
8. Let him do his own thing. If your toddler doesn't want to be involved with the new baby, don't push it. A lot of kids cope with the change by "ignoring" their tiny siblings — at least for a while. So you don't need to expect him to play a greater role than he wants to. He'll come around in time.