Lonely and bored

[Toklastennis]

Apologies if this is not the right place to post this .... I am a new mum to an adorable 4 month old ds. He's great. But we have moved to a new area, my dp works long hours, and as ds gets more and more active I just have no idea what to do with him. I have tried going to groups and classes and that's ok , but I'm so lonely - I miss my old life, my friends, and conversation that is not about babies. I worry that my loneliness and boredom is going to have a bad affect on ds, either because he picks up on my mood or because he is under stimulated. I feel like such a failure - ds is not even in any kind of a routine, evenings are a nightmare, etc etc. I don't think I'm giving him what he needs and the older he gets the less able I am to look after him. I'm not sure what I'm looking for exactly - tips on how to help him get better? Reassurance that it won't always be like this?

Lovely, he is four months old and you have a lot on your plate. It won't always be like this, you will start to make friends and new connections and won't be so lonely any more.

Persist with the baby groups, try the Meet a Mum board on Netmums or the local boards on here, your time will start to fill up.

Four month olds are tricky, if I recall correctly there is a sleep regression or something at that time. As he gets better it will get easier, he will get more fun and interactive and into stuff. As he starts to move he will tire himself out better and sleep better.

I have been bored and lonely and depressed over a long time and my children are bright, confident, socially able and seemingly unaffected by having a mad mother. I also had to start from scratch three times in three different towns so I empathise hugely with how you feel.

Oh and no one really knows what they are doing with their DC. We pretend but most people are making it up as they are going along.

My Dd is heading towards the teenage stage which is a little bit terrifying, a whole new challenge! No doubt I will make some mistakes but I don't think anyone is the perfect parent- although you will meet a LOT of other parents who think they are. Luckily I just find them funny now.

And babies can be as different as adults. My first DC was the 'perfect baby', my second was ..ahem..the opposite. But we worked it out and once they got to two or three everything was pretty much ironed out.

Join your local NCT group and you can chat and volunteer if you like with various tasks

Have you moved very far from where you lived before? I assume you are still in touch with them, facebook etc? Can you go and visit once in a while?

Having a baby changes most of your relationships, it will settle, you are doing the right thing with going out to groups but could you join a non-baby related group - such as a Book club at library or take on a new sport to meet people?

Thank you thewanderinguterus it's good to know I'm not the only one. It all snowballs when I start to feel guilty, so I know I must avoid that. Thank you and nevercan for your encouragement. I have just had a few hours sleep so it's time to start again ....

thewanderinguterus your children sound lovely!

At lovely. Yes . Sometimes, when the mood takes them. I have a lot of grey hairs!

It does get so much easier though. Mine are now bribable, I can negotiate and punish with good effects. I can wrestle them, jump in puddles with them, hide in cupboards and jump out at them and am rediscovering all of the things I enjoyed in my own childhood like Lego and colouring . My oldest is starting to help with the cooking (apparently my efforts are not as good as Masterchef-so I told her to do it herself) etc and my youngest can get himself a drink, take himself for a wee and has the strangest conversation starters. They are at school and have whole parts of their lives that don't involve me at all.

Little babies need love, food and warmth (and occasionally sleep) the stimulation comes later. Right now you should focus on things that make you happy, remind you of who you are. Sometimes old sayings like 'happy mum, happy baby' have a ring of truth to them. The baby stage drags while you are doing all the shit stuff, but even now it is such a tiny part of their lives, you just need to get through it and it will get easier everyday. Next summer you will be out and about with a little person who will be beginning to walk and walk and it only gets better from there ( afraid I am not a fan of the baby stage!).

I'm not sure whether this will help or hinder you but my DS is 7 months now and I am also lonely and bored. Id say it kicked in around the 4 month mark. My DH works very long hours too so I am often in bed before he's home and he certainly doesn't see DS in the evenings.

Many of my 'proper' friends live hundreds of miles away. I have one close friend where I live but she doesn't have kids and is always out plus she works full time. The rest of my social interaction used to revolve around work.

I go to lots of groups and have met some nice people a couple of whom may become close friends but for now I'd see them for a coffee but not for a night out if you see what I mean. Of course they also have young babies so ability to see each other is constrained by the babies!

Right now I'm just trying to get out and about as much as I can and frankly looking forward to going back to work in a few months. Meantime I have also joined a gym with a crèche so that I can at least have an hour break during the day.

Good luck and lets hope things get better!

I hope you're right wandering - I worry that it will just get harder and harder, abd that I m just not cut out for bring a mother at all. I feel for ds because he's stuck with me.

bonadea I know exactly what you mean. I miss having real friends I can talk to. The ones I know with older kids just say, "oh it's harder when x starts or they get to y stage..." And the ones without kids don't want to know about babies. And the only people I see are other new mums but we barely know each other and I really have to psych myself up before going to a class. Quite often I almost get there but then just walk past because I can't face going in. I feel so lonely and like I'm doing everything wrong. I know I'm just feeling forte for myself but I don't know how to snap out if it.

Toklas - your DS is not stuck with you. You're obviously doing a great job otherwise you wouldn't be worrying about all this.

You have to have to have to keep going to these things. I try not to turn down any invitations etc and with my nct group I am usually the one organising. Ok I would rather be with my 'real' friends or family but I have a lot in common with these folks. If poss I have at least one thing organised every day whether it is a class, rhyme time, a coffee or running a particular errand.

Do you think you maybe need to speak to someone like your DH or GP or mum about how you feel?

I second the idea of a little trip to the GP. It sounds like things are maybe getting on top of you a little. It may just be situational or environmental but there are thing out there that can make things a little easier to bear for a while. I was offered counselling which helped and DH changed his life a little to give me more space and time (he travels a lot too, works long hours). I have never felt so low as when I was on my own with a baby. It sent me a bit mad for a while, probably because I am a perfectionist and an introvert. I tried to get out of the house everyday and talk to someone, in an shop etc. I walked miles around the town just to be out. Fresh air helps a lot.

But whatever happens you didn't make a mistake and you are a good mum. Bad mums don't worry about this stuff. Good mums do. Your DS is very lucky to have a mum that worries about being the best she can be for him, but his needs are simple at the moment.

Children are flexible as well, my kids adapted to me being mad and odd surprisingly well.

I felt quite lonely and bored - I think I was a bit down. I distinctly remember taking ds to the local sure start centre when he was about 4 months and almost crying when they turned me away as nothing on at that time. I was so desperate to talk to someone!
In the end I signed up for a baby class and got into a routine - out in the morning to whatever classes were on (library, baby groups etc) or to baby clinics and made an effort to meet other mums. I also try netmums meet a mum board. I didn't make any long standing friends but it helped. Ironically I did make a friend via MN! Try posted on the local boards here as well?

Thank you everyone. Have just spoken to Dh and he said he'd give me an hr off tomorrow to do some exercise, which should help. I know I have to keep on honing and keep on trying. Ds is a really lovely child and I'm very lucky to have him.