DS (3yo) won't listen and interrupts constantly

[DorisShutt]

For the last 2 months, nursery have been feeding back that they keep having to take DS aside as he is not listening, keeps talking and interrupts the staff constantly; this is having a disruptive effect on other children. The timeframe does coincide with him moving to the older room at nursery, so I do think it's a different set of expectations than those in the toddler room.

However, we are trying at home to stop this constant interrupting - at the moment we can't have a conversation without DS trying to distract us; more than just the occasional request for help type of interjection it's almost as if he can't let us talk without getting involved.

DH says we are having a fair amount of success, but he spends less time with DS as he works more than I do, whereas I find he'll stop for DH but not for me - so I don't think what we're trying to do is working.

Help me! I don't think I can stand another "he's lovely but" conversation complete with a sympathetic head tilt from nursery!

I have a 3 yr old DS too and also find it quite a trying age. Things you may have already considered:

Have his hearing checked, just to make sure it's a listening issue not a hearing issue.

Play lots of turn taking games so he has to learn to wait and take turns. Play Chinese whispers so he has to listen pass on and wait. We also play the "quiet game", all silent and first one to talk loses (was always Ds to start with but he's getting pretty good!).

Teach him a quiet way to get your attention when you're talking such as giving your hand a squeeze.

At interruptions i make a point of saying i will listen in a moment but right now I'm talking to daddy and i then ignore him (he knows he can interrupt for going to the toilet etc). I personally think this is crucial.

Don't know if any of that helps but i do sympathise. Always thought the terrible twos would be the worst outside the teenage years...

We have this.

We have taught DD to say 'excuse me' if she feels the need to interrupt us. However, she now just prefaces all her interruptions with 'excuuuuse me'! If we don't respond we keep getting 'excuuuuuuuuuuse meeeeeeee' until we pay her attention. It IS getting better, she still interrupts but when we tell her that we will listen to her in a minute/when Daddy's finished...she does now wait. I think that at least her interruptions are now polite

Someone I know or read on here, I can't remember taught their child to squeeze their hand or hug their leginstead of interrupting. They then knew that their child wanted their attention and responded to them when it was appropriate.

Yep, we get "erm excuuuuuuuuse me" too. Actually quite cute if it wasn't so irritating at the same time.

It's getting him to understand the social cues (and I know I struggle with that too) so he knows when is appropriate and when isn't to talk to the staff at nursery.

May try the hand grab idea for at home though - I can squeeze back so he knows I know he wants something, but he has to wait.

I'm bumping this because DS has started hitting now.

He's just back from nursery where I've heard the lovely report of him hitting and having been spoken to on several occasions.

Now what?! I really don't want him to be the kid that everyone avoids

I think most kids go through a hitting phase.

Ds hit at nursery one day only (so far!). We took their advice and went with the gentle hands thing. "Ds you must use gentle hands", and teach stroking patting etc, also teach other ways to get attention.

It's all the same thing really i think. They want attention and they're figuring out how it's easiest to get it.

I know how i felt when i got told about the hitting and no, you're not a bad parent and no you're not raising a devil child (that's how i felt!). He's just being a preschooler.

Well, things have changed slightly in that (once he'd stopped wailing) he's saying that he did hit, but only because the child he hit (let's call him X) hit him first. DS also was upset for about 3 hours, so I do think he's telling the truth.

I'm not sure how to take raise it with nursery.

I really don't want to come over as PFB, but this isn't the first issue with X. I don't hold DS innocent, but from DS' slightly incoherent through sobbing tale, X seems to hit DS when no one is looking, so DS lamps him one (and yes, we've had the "don't hit, tell someone" conversation today) and gets caught. Absolutely no excuse of course for the hitting, but 3 isn't exactly an adult!

I'm inclining to chatting to the key worker and saying that I know DS is no angel, but he and this other child do seem to wind each other up and while I know they can't seperate them completely (small nursery), could they monitor them as this isn't the first incident between them.

Does that sound reasonable? I don't know how else I can deal with it - I really don't want another night when DS is wailing for two hours.

Yes, I think that sounds reasonable. I'd also ask the nursery to talk about gentle hands (or however they do it) at circle time, so all the kids get a reminder to be kind without singling anyone out.

In view of what you've said, I'd also make a point of assuring your DS that you believe him and you will speak to nursery to try to get this stopped. I'd also be secretly glad he lamped him back as it's probably the best way of stopping x picking on him

Hia, I have had all sorts of trouble with my 3 year old and settling into a new environment so I do sympathise. We have had the constant demands for attention, hitting at nursery etc. What has helped us is:

1. Listen to the comments from nursery but try not to get too worked up over them. It is their job to deal with his behaviour at nursery, it's your job to deal with his behaviour at home. They will have told him off at nursery to the extent necessary so there is no need for you to repeat it all over again at home. Too much risk of taking out your embarrassment/frustration on your DS instead of improving things. I remind myself that they are telling me so I know what's going on rather than because they think I can magically fix it myself at home.
2. Have lots of fun and cuddles at home whilst working on the taking turns/social skills as over posters have suggested.
3. When he does something good at home or certain behaviour improves at home, tell the nursery staff about that (ideally in your DS's hearing!) - ie I'm doing my job, so you get on and do your job!

For me it has been a case of trying to turn a potentially negative cycle into a positive one. I cannot control or really get involved in the nursery environment so I just have to work on the home environment.

"DS was upset for 3 hours". To be honest I don't think he was upset about the hitting incident for 3 hours. I think he was upset more generally about the new room, new children, new rules, and adults telling him off for his behaviour every day. He just doesn't feel comfortable in the new environment yet. I wouldn't speak to nursery again about this particular incident. It would be easier for DS to just help him move on from it and find more positive ways of interacting with others.

Okay, I do take on board about not making a big deal about it - but I do think I need to mention to nursery that DS was upset, and it appears that he's hitting because he's being hit.

Maybe they did deal with the other kid, but the feedback they gave me made it sound as if DS just whacked another kid unprovoked; I know they can't tell me about other children and I wouldn't expect that but phrasing it as "DS hit another child" is different to "DS and an other child were fighting" IYSWIM.

Will see what they say tomorrow.

Thanks for all the advice.

3 year olds do this - a lot. They have it to different degrees but they ALL have it. The world revolves around them and they also see adults talking to each other = adults ignoring me.

Just be firm about letting Mummy finish talking. If he continues to interrupt then warn him he may have to sit in the naughty corner/go to his room/go to another room/not get his treat or whatever form of discipline you normally use. I would threaten my currently 3 yr old with sending her to her room. Make sure you carry out the threat though. She is improving.
The problem is, 3 yr olds have no perception of time so "wait a minute, Mummy is talking" means "Im not listening to you and may never listen to you again"!

He just has to learn that interrupting is not good.
My now 6 yr old DS was even worse than DD but he is totally fine now.

Couple of suggestions to make your 3 year old listen... One thing I saw on supernanny a while back that struck me was that a lot of times parents yell at their kids from a distance (across the room,from downstairs etc) and part of the solution was to get down in their face - i.e at their level and make sure you have their full attention and then tell them what you want to tell them without yelling at them. Not so close that you are intimidating but at their level. The kids tended to tune out the yelling parents but paid much more attention without the yelling and eye to eye contact at their eye level. Something else you might try are natural consequences - depends on what you are yelling about of course - but an example would be if you are calling them to dinner, go tell her that dinner is ready and she is to come to the table now. Make sure she hears and understands you (not distracted by the TV etc) and tell her only once. If she doesn't come, start dinner without her and she doesn't get any (although the first couple times you might let her start if she comes while you are still eating). I suspect once or twice would be enough to show her you mean business. If she doesn't come and sit down while dinner is on the table - it is "all gone" and she gets no dinner. One missed meal will not hurt her and she probably will come when called next time with no yelling or threats, although being a three year old you should warn her as part of the initial telling her to come to the table that if she doesn't come now then she won't get any dinner before bed. For stuff that she doesn't want to do - like picking up her toys - think of a consequence and stick to it. Don't yell and don't repeat yourself. For toys on the floor, you might say that anything left on the floor after ten minutes is up goes in the confiscated toy box and she doesn't get it back for a few days. The main point is to make sure she
a) understands your request and
b) it is something she can reasonably be expected to do.
Making impossible demands of a three year will lead to a lot of frustration.