Worried about dd (4). Lost her 'spark'...

[Judyandherdreamofhorses]

DD is 4.3. She seems to be more fractious and miserable a lot of the time. Also a lot more serious. There's less giggling, less fun, less joy really. Other people have noticed too.

Lots of changes recently I suppose. I've been working part time for a few months now. Baby brother is now a toddler, bringing new challenges for her (as well as lots of mutual love and adoration!), lots of holidays, visits to and from grandparents, just upheaval really since before the summer holidays.

I feel like I'm really failing her. She's very able, verbally, but not confident and is quite wary of unknown people. But she has really started to show an interest in other children and talks about schoolfriends now.

How can I help her?

Please don't attack me. Can't cope with that right now.

Why would anyone attack you? You sound like a very kind mother..

Did she start school in sept?

I might be out on a limb here- but is she just unhappy/grumpy or would you describe her as listless? Could there be a physical cause?

Maybe get her checked out with GP but my best guess would be school if she started in Sept. Even if she went to nursery before the expectations are different at school- lots of lining up, doing things as a class, being good all the time. She is probably one of the youngest so expected to keep up with children almost a year older. She's busy all day. Also I felt that when they went to school they lost a little bit of'them' to the institution. They gained loads too but they became a bit more school. You see it even more when you have two there and they do things in their play together like lining up to go on a school trip (because I have told them we're going to the supermarket). Part of it is just accepting the difference, part is making sure she gets some one to one time and part of it is when really tired. Children all react differently dd1 was a bit like your dd, but dd2 was energised by school.

Thanks for your replies.

She's only at school 2.5 days (independent), and it's the same setting as last year so no change there. Although they report that she's not as lively and happy. Not unhappy though.

She's easily frightened of things - won't watch or listen to anything mildly perilous (series 2 of octonauts, I'm thinking, not horror movies or even superheroes). Doesn't like any 'scary' parts of stories, doesn't like lots of music. She asks deep questions, mostly death related at the moment. We answer as best we can and reassure.

Any ideas for rekindling joy in life? Maybe December/ Christmas will help as something exciting to prepare for. But she reacts badly to disappointment too, so I'm afraid of building up hopes and them not meeting her expectations.

I think once you are satisfied that she is eating and sleeping well and is physically ok then it is about helping her to switch off and relax. My dd loves cuddles and stories, tickling and back rubs.

She has lots of Sylvanians and Lalaloopsey little dolls and she spends ages lost in her imagination with them.

She sounds a lot like my dd1 who is a thinker and worrier. She sometimes finds it difficult to just let go and have fun. Dd was a very anxious child and it worsened at around your dd's age to the point that we got her into Play Therapy. It really helped a lot.

Dd had become really sensitive to loud noise, crowds and other things. The play therapist helped her to cope with those things.

Dd was (and at 7 still is) nervous about scary things like books and TV. I think it is because she has a very fertile imagination. I deal with this by policing what she is exposed to quite carefully and not pushing her to be more grown up.

We have had great success with meditation for kids. It helps dd to wind down at night when something is on her mind.

I'llfind the book we use and post the name when I get the chance.

Is she happy at school? My ds1 is now 4.11yo and in reception, but a lot has changed behaviour-wise over the past year, with regard the class in general but also ds1. There was a lot of hitting in nursery class, and ds1 was often out of sorts because other children hadn't played nicely and it was a bit of a shock to him. He has toughened up over the past year but that in itself has caused a few behaviour changes and he can sometimes be difficult and rebellious now in a way that he never was before. In general he's a good boy and behaves well, but I've certainly found that around the 4-5y age group there are a lot of changes going on.

Btw I don't think Christmas will disappoint if you plan her presents and check everything first to make sure nothing is broken / not working. That would cause upset if she opened a present to find the toy didn't work. Easily avoided if you're thorough and check with enough time to change the toy if necessary.

Advent calenders, Christmas carol music, decorations - get her involved in it all and do the whole tradition of putting out mince pies and carrots for Santa and Rudolf. We pop the plate in front of the fire and in the morning the fire guard is slightly ajar, the sacks are in front of the fire and there are big Santa snowy footprints near the front door as he left (icing sugar with paper template). Christmas is utterly magical as a child and as an adult when you have small children so perhaps the whole build-up to it will help get her spark back.

The asking about death thing is normal at this age. My friend's little girl spent time sitting in a large box pretending she was an orphan (!) with photos from around the house in the box as her lost family (!!). Mum and dad both very much around but now rather frightened

Have you thought about doing something completely random - go to the beach for the day, go out on bikes and take a picnic, buy a trampoline if you don't have one, just because it's fun for you all to bounce on it. I think if she gets time away from her usual routine, and sees you having fun with her, it might help to lift her a bit.

My friends DS is also really grumpy and miserable at the moment and around this age. Definitely coincides with start of school. My DS (3) not yet started school, but can see how a couple of days at nursery with other stresses makes him a lot more whiny and we've also had lots of Qs about death etc. Think it's just a stage made worse with other stresses. Agree with other poster that opportunities to laugh, eg rough and tumble, role play?, and just one on one time (difficult with younger sib I know) might help.

She's not very well now - came down with a virus at the end of the week. DS has been ill too. Maybe it's been building up to this.

I've read a lot of parents have a bad stage with four year olds - the fucking fours, google it :) It can manifest as anything from misery to outright roaring, raging tantrums (I have the latter.) I have tried 4 times to take him to his favourite park in the last two weeks, but each time he starts to scream that he 'hates' the park and will not go. Then, when the trip is cancelled, he cries that he wants to go.

He hates all the food, ever. He scowls at dinner, lunch, breakfast. He is rude to relatives.

One thing that did improve it was that he was becoming constipated, as he won't poo at school. Once we had that under control he improved a bit as he was much more into playing with his toys again, so that meant some happy times. Um, but that's basically all I got.

I've noticed that all the kids in our family have become markedly reserved and oh-so-very-serious once they start school.

I am dreading my little boy starting school for this reason, but am obviously trying to put on a positive outlook (especially to him) so as not to become a self fulfilling prophecy!

Ps - they seem to find their feet again around age 6. Fingers crossed!

Thanks, but oh dear. She did woeful ones, terrible twos and frightful frees. I was hoping to get off lightly with the fours...

Getting worse now, not better!

Has anyone here tried 'love bombing' a la Oliver James. Horrible name, I know, but I might try a day of purely DD/led 1:1 time. Can't be until next weekend though, so a long haul to get through first.

The "love bombing" sounds good.

Very basic question - are you sure she's getting enough sleep? With the long day at school and the dark evening, she might need more than over the summer holidays.

I'd also make sure she gets outside as much as possible for the fresh air and vitamin D. It's not impossible that it's connected to the change of season.

Thanks. I don't know if she's getting enough sleep. She does always seem tired (and therefore very prone to tears and tantrums). She usually sleeps 7- 6 .30am. I don't know how to get more sleep in. It's taken 4 years to get it his good!

I'm going to get her a fleece lined waterproof suit for outside. She's so miserable walking the dog at the moment that it's not a pleasure for anyone (except dog, he doesn't care!).

This might seem totally out of left field - but when my 4yo was constantly tired and irritable, it turned out to be coeliac disease. The tiredness was anaemia caused by lack of nutrients getting through. Irritability is another symptom.

A lot of children this age are anaemic, so it might be worth having a test for that - a blood test will show if she is, and then they would prescribe an iron supplement.

Coeliac has crossed my mind. I have a feeling it's food related. She is, and always has been, utterly obsessed with sweet food, and food in general. I do my best around this - 'treat food' is restricted, but not banned, I offer nutritious meals and she eats reasonably okay I think. But there's something, around food, that isn't right. Always says she's hungry, but it's sweet stuff she wants.

I've been to the GP before about the food issue. He said she's not overweight and it's just behavioural and normal. He said she eats better than his kids.