My friends say no way, but my emotions disagree on Baby number three.

[Drofoxnow]

My partner (unmarried) and I emotionally want a third baby for the same reason we wanted the first. That need to have a baby. Its not logical its just what you need to do.

But with DC age 2 and 3 it feels a bit like a challenge we can’t really cope with on a practical level because:

• Our house is too small despite having the money to move to a bigger one (but it does not happen due to indecision and stress of job and life)
• I am early 40s and all the risks that brings for me and the baby
• We are only just coping at the moment

• When pregnant I get very very depressed

- Our relationship is already strained - I am on anti depressants to cope with life as it stands and when I tried to come off them earlier this year I got very very down. - We don’t have family nearby - I struggle to feel secure in our relationship but that's a lot of my own baggage as he is committed when you look in from the outside

My closest friends say don’t do it until you feel you have the support in place including a house that would make it possible and the security of marriage. By the time that happens I’ll be too old (if I am not already).

Do I risk messing up the apple cart for the two kids I have for someone who does not exist??

This is coming to a head for me partly because the due day for a miscarried baby is coming up this week and its making me very sad.

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage, OP.

But... I sort of agree with your friends. If it was just the small house I'd say go for it, but I find your sentences about a strained relationship and 'we are only just coping' worrying.

Leave it a year and see if the broody feelings go away. Mine did!

Sorry OP, but that's my honest opinion.

From the thread title alone I'd have said ignore your friends but tbh from your post I would have to agree with them.
Your relationship is strained and you are only just coping? An extra baby is not going to make it any easier!! Esp as your others are still so little.
Why not give it a year, get a bit more stability, work on the relationship and then think about it again?

From the thread title alone I'd have said ignore your friends but tbh from your post I would have to agree with them.
Your relationship is strained and you are only just coping? An extra baby is not going to make it any easier!! Esp as your others are still so little.
Why not give it a year, get a bit more stability, work on the relationship and then think about it again?

Thanks for your thoughts. I forgot to mention his counter balancing points. That I would be provided with full time help (a nanny) should this happen and he promises a bigger house. The money would come from savings for the nanny so probably only for a year.

However, he promised a bigger house for DC2 as well but that's still not happened.... not because of a lack of money just circumstances and indecision.

My friends say, if he did not keep the promise about the larger house for DC2 then what makes him do so for DC3. I don't think he does not go ahead and buy maliciously its just something he can't get his head around for some reason I don't understand (he has a weird need to hoard money).

A nanny would make a big difference and I am sure a lot of relationships are strained with such small children.
You could get married quickly if you just go to a registry rather than gaff with a big do.

I can only speak from personal experience op. I had a breakdown January 2012 for many reasons but basically ended up with depression and anxiety etc. I have also has miscarriages partly influenced the breakdown.

It took me 6 months to get back on track. We put our house up for sale in May 2012. I got pregnant in September 2012 after a mutual decision from dh, me, my counsellor and my GP. I was on ADs. By the time I had my baby I was mentally very well. I had worked very hard to get through it! My relationship was always very solid and I only have 1 ds who is now 6 and hence at school during the day.

The pregnancy was atrocious. Horrific sickness and spd stopping me from walking.

I am currently cuddling a snoring 4 month old dd who is my world but has honestly nearly mentally broken me. I have PND, I never see dh, I don't sleep. Dd is suspected milk intolerant so doesn't feed well. We have had close family members die, another two have cancer and are being treated. The house is still unsold and is far to small for us. I could go on and on.

The point is we had forgotten the strain a baby puts on you mentally and a relationship and we only have one other child who is fairly independent. I don't ever regret having DD because the history of only having one child was partly why I was ill.

You don't know what your going to get and as you will know a baby stretches you to your absolute limit in every way. It is your choice but it will add to your pressure not take it away!

Don't do it. You are barely coping as it is (and I don't mean that unkindly).

Nanny for a year doesn't change my answer. The first year is in many ways the hardest, but the hard work doesn't end there! Three DC is always going to be harder than two. (Mine are now 4, 6 and 8.)

I've just read your post again and I agree with your friends! Don't do it. From what you say I doubt your marriage will survive it!

I always feel very empty and broody when the dates of my miscarriages come round. One is this month as well . Have you sought some counselling?

from your last post it sounds like your partner wants a baby more than you do if he is trying to persuade you withj a bigger house and a nanny!

just out of interest why is it his decision whether or not you get a bigger house?

Bundaberg, good point - he came to the relationship with much more money than me and we have "his and hers" money.... not ideal but we met later in life, a bit different for my friends who build their capital together....meeting at uni or similar?!

Thanks for the replies its a consensus so far! Not what I wanted to hear but there we are.... honesty is best!

We are only just coping. Our relationship is very strained
Whatever you need; it's not another baby.

I would go further than saying wait until you are married and say don't do it at all. Being married doesn't make 3 children easy or magic up a new house or a 24/7 nanny.

If your dp wanted all of that you would have it right now.

Incidentally, many women who are menopause-bound have one last broody urge as they hit peri menopause.

ok, i can kind of understand that. but as a family surely it's in ALL your best interests to have joint tenancy on a house?

I only ask because I am kind of similar in that DP is the main wage earner, and the money for our deposit was entirely his. He pays the mortgage. However he wouldn't hear of it being any other way. We're a family, we have equal share in the house just in case anything happens to either of us or we break up.

I struggle slightly to get my head around the mindset of a man who can be in a long-term relationship with someone, want children with that person, but who is not willing to share the house/money equally.

anyway, that's not really relevant to the baby question! have a talk with him...

My partner and I met in our thirties and are not married but there is no idea of his money and my money now we have a child and a home! I would worry about a future where you cannot make family financial decisions and he gets to decide thing like moving.

What about having some couples counselling and seeing f that makes the relationship stronger - before having another child

In all seriousness do you want to end up single without money and three kids? You need to sort your finances out r get married

Another baby sounds like a really bad idea tbh.

And unless your partner is the one actually building the house, a bigger house is not something he should be promising.

If he thinks decisions like buying houses should be made by him rather than jointly, then he doesn't see you as an equal partner in the relationship. I wouldn't want a relationship with anyone who feels that way, let alone more children.

I'd suggest sorting that out is job one.

Sorry, I have to agree with your friends. There are too many 'issues' here. What would happen if you had dc3 and then wanted a 4th? A 5th? You have to draw the line somewhere.

It's ok to be broody but it's not always a good idea to act on it.

3 children is hard work. We ttc #2 and got twins.