Help please - young child with alcholic mother

[namechange74]

I am writing on behalf of a friend who is a single dad to a small child. His Ex wife is an alcoholic who left the family home a year ago after failed attempts at rehab and is no longer functioning on any level. She has seen her son less than a handful of times in the last 12 months and is not consistent with phonecalls - sometimes not calling for weeks at a time.

Whilst my friend is coping very well with this situation (as well as can be expected) of late his DS has become increasingly insular / frustrated and generally his behaviour is deteriorating, he is also very tearful and clingy (inevitable).
Needless to say he is unaware of the 'real' situation and believes that his mummy is ill in hospital. He believes she is going to die and wonders if he will see her before she does.

Please, if anyone has any experience of any help they can get that could help my friends' child deal with this, can you share? He has had contact with a drugs/alcoholics support agency but they seem more focussed on seeing things from the side of the alcoholic but what we need to know is where to get support for the child, what he should be told/not told, whether to sever all contact with the mother etc.

Thanks

anyone please? particularly any advice regarding child support agency - can they offer help?

Would Al-Anon be of any use? I know they helped a friend of mine a great deal when she was married to an alcoholic. Sorry, I can do links. Best of luck. What a horribly sad situation

Who the hell told the child his DM was dying?

Disabuse the poor little boy at once, then get AA's family group in to offer advice.

If the child is at school or nursery could they help at all?

What Corygal said - that is heartbreaking. Poor child.

We don't know where he got that from but given her current physical state, it's not certain that she won't die. She is in and out of hospital so suspect he has drawn this conclusion and nobody has denied it being possible. My friend is seeing the school tomorrow to see what support they can offer (they're fully aware of the circumstances)
Thanks for your replies, I'll suggest al anon.

How old is the child?

His Dad, your friend should be the solid rock for his son

Is the mums health actually in danger?

I'm guessing your friend has said she is ill and in hospital.

Is she actually in hospital?

What a difficult time

TOTALLY agree that child must be told immediately that his mum is NOT going to die.

Even if she does manage to kill herself through drink it usually takes a long time. So, it isn't like lying to the child.

The local council, depending on area, may well have a list of services that specialise in dealing with the families of addicts, I know mine does.

Rose he is 5. His dad is a rock and is doing his very very best, but he too is dealing with the breakdown of his marriage not to mention trying to manage childcare and work committments etc - it's all a very difficult situation. The mum is drinking constantly and is unable to function at all - we are unsure how ill she is and can only make our own judgements based on the (often 2nd hand) info we get. She is supposedly going into rehab again in the next few weeks and this could be for either 3 or 6 months. We need advice on what to tell my friends son...

Morning NewJewels
Today my friend has spoken with the school to ask what they can offer in terms of help - perhaps art therapy or similar. I can see your perspective on telling him that his DM isn't going to die. Equally we don't know how to explain to him why she won't/can't see him. When they (seldom) make arrangements she doesn't follow them through so he is bitterly disappointed all the time. I'll call the council today - thanks ladies for your advice, it's like walking through treacle at the moment.

Hi - it sounds awful for everyone. Does this family have someone (you?) who is able to be a frequent presence in this situation? If they have someone they both trust it would be brilliant if they could be as honest as possible with the little boy. When I was 7 and my sister was 5, my mum was killed in a crash and no one was able to be honest - my sister waited for months for her to 'come back from the shops' - I think sometimes 'protecting' children causes damage too. He needs someone to sit down and tell him that his mum really loves him but that she is sick with something called an addiction that means she doesnt understand what she is doing etc, but that people are helping her and hopefully she will get better - he needs reassurance that his Dad loves him and even if he gets busy at work, his Dad is always thinking about him etc and preferably others brought into - like 'Granny and Grandpa are always there for you, and Mrs Smith and Mrs Jones love you very much and all of us are trying to help mum and also want to make you happy' What he needs is the basic truth that it is not his fault, that he is loved and that there are people there looking after him.
It sounds like his dad is doing a great job so far.

hi popster Thanks for taking the time to write. Yes myself and my DH and DD have been constantly in their lives throughout and we spend lots of time together. I am sorry to hear that you and your sister suffered from not knowing what happened to your mum, it resonates obviously because of the uncertainty that my friends little boy is also dealing with. I agree that it needs some honest information and i will advise my friend of this. His grandparents are around and are supportive (the mothers parents) but as it's their daughter that is the alcoholic, they tend to try and paper over the cracks and seem to minimise the massive issues.

Thanks again, great advice. xx