TEENAGERS AND CLUBS

[hettiw]

My son will be 17 at Christmas and is very mature for his age. He is a lovely lad and has a wide circle of close friends. He and his friends all started college in September. They now want to start going to night clubs. He has given me his argument as to why and although I understand his reasons I am still very worried about his safety. He says after they will get a taxi home to a friends who lives nearby. I want to say no but is that fair?

Let him go but tell him you want him home by 2am and not wasted..stopping him when all his friends are allowed will be a recipe for trouble IMO speaking from experience as the teenager in this situation! If he breaks your rules in any way, get grounding

Erm, he's not 18? I don't really know where to begin with this one actually.

Yes you are confirming what I think I should do. Should I let him stay at the friends, if I do I then have no way of knowing what time he gets home. Thanks for the advice!

What do you mean, don't know where to begin?

Both of my girls started going to clubs when they were 17 - always with a group of friends. Initially my DH insisted on pick ups and then it was taxis. There has never been any issues or problems (yet!).

Only rule we have is they stay with their friends and if they want to leave earlier than others we will pick them up, no matter what time. No taxis on their own.

You know your DS if you like his friends and trust him IMO its fine.

The only downside is I never slept until they were home.

I'll have a bash-

a) He is underage, therefore would be breaking the law.
b) You are technically encouraging this if you give him your blessing. What sort of role model does that make you?
c) He could get in a lot of trouble if he is caught.
d) That is assuming he gets let in- what is his plan for trying to get in? Fake I.D? Just winging it, hoping he won't get I'D'd? Places are very strict these days. IME bouncers don't tend to let young lads in without I.D. My OH was always I'D'd without fail when we went to clubs together, whereas I was maybe 2/5 times. He is a few years older than me and you can tell.
e) If he is so mature for his age, he can wait another year. I purposely waited till my 18th because I didn't want to ruin it for myself and also didn't want to risk getting in trouble.

If you must let him drink, then perhaps under your roof would be better? It's still an offense to purchase alcohol for minors, but the likelihood of getting into shit is minimal compared to him trying to go out, plus you have more control over his consumption that way.

Please don't think I'm a lecturing cow, like I said I was 18 when I went out to town for the first time, and that wasn't too long ago. I wish people would just stop trying to grow up too fast! Nothing worse than seeing children trying to get into clubs.

I also think an outright no would be a big mistake. In a matter of months he will be legally an adult. Much better to support him in minimising risks, rather than banning.

Friendships are so important at this age. FWIW, my closest friends as an adult I met through socialising at night in my teens, from 15-19. Had I not been able to go out we simply wouldn't have met. (I wasn't allowed though, I had to lie to get out!)

And, two of my best friends met at a club when they were 16 and 17. They got married 13 years later and now are nearly 40, with two lovely young kids. Again, had they not been allowed out as teens, things would have been very different.

Hi Op. So your DS is 16 at the moment? In all honesty he would struggle to get in any clubs near me. They all ask for ID from younger looking people, particularly the boys.

I'd be really surprised if he can get into a club.

I started going to clubs much younger than that - and was by no means a tearaway - but the world's changed a lot since then and I agree with some of the posters above that he may struggle to get in.

It sounds like you have a good relationship for him to be speaking to you honestly and reasonably about this so I agree with those who say an outright no would be detrimental.

If if it was me, I'd ask him how he'd feel if his mates all got in but he didn't, how he'd feel if he got in to trouble etc so that at least you know he's thought about it. Then set guidelines about what time you want him home, not getting wasted etc.

tracypenisbeaker

I think you're a little out of touch with the law on alcohol:

a) He is underage, therefore would be breaking the law.

If the police catch him they'll only confiscate it. It's hardly the crime of the century and the law is set at 18 because they know full well that 16 & 17 year olds will drink.

Did you know it's legal for children as young as 5 to drink in the home or other private premises, by the way? Not to get drunk, but giving a young child a small sip of wine for example is considered by some to foster a health approach to drink, rather than banning it till adulthood.

b) You are technically encouraging this if you give him your blessing. What sort of role model does that make you?

I would say treating her some like the almost-adult he is and coming to an agreement which reflects the real world and suits them both makes her sound like a great role-model! She'll be modelling trust, empathy and diplomacy, rather than inflexibility and naivety.

c) He could get in a lot of trouble if he is caught.

A lot of trouble. Really? For what exactly?

d) That is assuming he gets let in- what is his plan for trying to get in? Fake I.D? Just winging it, hoping he won't get I'D'd? Places are very strict these days. IME bouncers don't tend to let young lads in without I.D. My OH was always I'D'd without fail when we went to clubs together, whereas I was maybe 2/5 times. He is a few years older than me and you can tell.

It's her son's problem how he gets in, not hers!

e) If he is so mature for his age, he can wait another year. I purposely waited till my 18th because I didn't want to ruin it for myself and also didn't want to risk getting in trouble.

Why on earth would it have ruined your 18th if you'd gone out? Great it worked for you, but I had a fantastic time going out when I was 16 & 17. Crap 18th though as it was the day before a GCSE and so I wasn't allowed out ha ha. But nothing to do with all the fun I'd had before!

"I'd ask him how he'd feel if his mates all got in but he didn't, how he'd feel if he got in to trouble etc so that at least you know he's thought about it. Then set guidelines about what time you want him home, not getting wasted etc."

Sounds very sensible.

The biggest worry for me with clubs tbh is violence. Some clubs attract trouble makers and often have violence. Others simply don't. I'd want to know where they were going and do my own research about their reputation.

Hi tracypenisbeaker You obviously have no teenagers. In just over a year he will be an adult. Now he is still a teenager and tells me what he is doing, (most of the time!). The important thing is he tells me about the big stuff, like going to a club.
Of course I know he is supposed to be 18 and like I said If I had my way I would keep him at home safe with me, always. I love him.
But on the other hand I have bought him up giving him all the things I never had, confidence, social ability, a good education and tons of love. I cannot deny I am pleased to see him have so many good friends and enjoying life and in reality I can not stop him if all his friends are going. That is the reality. I have to trust in the solid upbringing I have given him that he will make the right decisions.

Oops, I meant "treating her son" above, not "treating her some!"

To thepobblewhohasnotoes
Thanks so much for the comments!

Of course every single point I made in my post was wrong thepobblewhohasnotoes.

Could argue with you but what would be the point? I'm willing to be balanced but arsed arguing with someone who uses 'It's her son's problem how he gets in, not hers' as a reason for him to go out. Just silliness.

hettiw I don't need teenagers, ta. I'm pretty much in touch with what goes on seeing as I was 18 two years ago.

HA HA

Agree with pobble. When your DCs are younger you have so much more influence and think you will continue to do so. As they get older, you realise that you have to be much more pragmatic in managing your relationship with a teenager and continually rethink the boundaries in order to nurture your relationship with them.

An outright no is not always the way

If he was mine, I'd rather he came straight home afterwards, so that I knew he was back safely, and that he wasn't so drunk as to be in danger - his friends may be nice people, but that doesn't automatically make them sensible!

Better to let him have some freedom, within boundaries, and with a way of checking that he is keeping reasonably to those, before letting him go further. If you say an outright "no" it's more likely that he'll find ways to do it anyway, and not feel able to call you for a lift if there's a problem, or talk to you if something happend that he is worried about.

Times were different when I was that age, and nobody got ID'd, but I was going to clubs at that age with my parents knowledge. I always knew that I could leave if I was uncomfortable, and wasn't relying on some lie about sleeping over at a friends house.

hettiw On a different note, I'm glad to see you have such a good relationship with your son.

I've just noticed this post was in 'parenting,' as opposed to 'AIBU' so I will back off so not to offend any further. I'm not a parent as yet so I don't see why my opinion should be valued here, just thought I would give my perspective (and there's me thinking that the law-abiding choice would be the sensible one!)

Ciao.

Tracypenisbeaker, that Will be the reason why you don't have the maturity and experience to understand and reason this point of view then . not being nasty, you just don't .

birdybear

Ageist much?

I have teenagers. I have never been asked this (yet!).

My big issue would be fake ID. Personally I would be against it and would discuss why with my teens. I haven't yet, as if DS asked I would probably faint from shock that he is "going out" at all. DD is younger, but I will have the dreaded Prom next year to think about with her.

But do keep talking is my advice, its oddly reassuring when your DC let you know about the bad things they could be doing (but obviously aren't yet).