still a couple, just like the old days?

[fionagib]

Hello, I'm new to this - and have to confess that as well as needing friendly advice & input, I'm hoping to 'speak' to a wide range of mums (anonymously) as I'm writing a lighthearted (hopefully entertaining AND informative) book about parenting. My first book is in the shops now - it's a novel called Babyface (about almighty shock of becoming a mother) and my second one, Wonderboy, is out in Nov, both published by Hodder. The one I'm working on is non-fiction. What I'd love to know is: How do you ensure that you're still a couple - ie, still have fun together, nights out, even weekends away - when coping with the demands of children? Isn't this especially hard if you have zero support system - ie, willing rellies, nearby? Do you ever feel jealous and bitter of those who have lovely, twinkly grannie living round the corner, who can scoop up your offpsring for the afternoon, so you and your partner can sneak off to the movies? Isn't it even more annoying when rellies are nearby and available, and the last film you saw was american beauty - cos these rellies are unwilling to muck in? OR they take your kids for the day and don't give them lunch - just 10 penguin biscuits. Thoughts v v much appreciated on the whole support system/still being a couple issue... many thanks f xx

Hi Fiona - you'll need to contact mumsnet and pay a fee for this sort of thing I think

Spacemonkey is right Fiona, email mumsnet and they will direct you to the right area to post.

Thanks, I'll do that, am complete luddite & novice at this... F x

I mailed them anyway to point them in your direction. Good luck with your book.

or how about if you have relatives, babysitters etc. but just no bl*y energy!

Thanks Lou, have put something on the media request bit and paid my fee, had never thought of trying mumsnet for research & other mums' opinions till a friend suggested it - have already used every last thought and opinion of my friends (to the point at which I think they're going to start avoiding me) so thought it was worth a go...

Make the kids go to bed early.

talk to each other. dh and I e mail and text (well I do, his fingers are too big!) and we are on msn too

I sympathise with bossykate - when you do manage to get a babysitter and go out. You really want to go home to bed, but can't look so pathetic as to go home at 9pm. Also we tend to have our worst barneys during a (v rare) night out cos all those grievances are stored up, then spill out all over the pub...

Ooh, lots and lots on here on these very subjects. Trawl through the topics list and you'll find tons on the subject of mothers who won't visit, won't have the children overnight (the modern holy grail) etc etc.

we just talk about the kids!saddos

I feel enormous guilt at my lack of enthusiasm for going out. And on the rare occasions when I do, it tends to be without my lovely other half.

I have horribly vivid memories of dp's birthday when dd1 was about 6 months old. We tried to go to the movies. Local train was cancelled - it's only a 7 minute journey but we couldn't face trying getting to the cinema any other way; so we went to the pub. And sat there gloomily staring into our pints wondering if we could go home to our lovely friend who had agreed to babysit and kicked us out with the stern injunction to go out and have a good time...we didn't even have the energy to have a row, how sad is that?

Two years and another daughter later, I sooo envy people who have someone who'll have their children overnight.

Never ever. Like so many others we are just too tired. We did go out for Valentines (on the Monday as no babysitters available on the Sat). Had a lovely meal, but both almost fell asleep during the main course and were back home by 9.15.
No really capable nearby relatives. My mother is 2 hours away, and we don't get to see them often, so feel honour bound to spend time with them when we go to visit. My dream evening would be to send dd off to stay somewhere, and just stay in with a pizza and a decent video, and maybe an early night with my dh secure in the knowledge we wouldn't be disturbed until the next day

Isn't that the ultimate really - going away overnight - lie in, brek in bed etc.... wondered if anyone has placed their child in care of a rellie only to come home with litany of complaints about yr child - 'He shouted and swore, and tried to run into the road, and peed all over bathroom floor, and wouldn't eat...' by the time you've had all theme misdemeanors flung in your face, it cancels out any benefit derived from night away. Grr! Why can't they say, 'He was an angel', and leave it at that? Isn't it horrible hearing bad stuff about your kid. Also wonder if anyone's rellies have cared for kids really badly - not in horrible harmful way but just not having a flying clue - like my dad have my kids cocopops three times in one day. How did they manage to bring us up?

God - I'm quite lucky comparatively. I have envied those (a minority) with parents or in laws living nearby, however whilst my dear old mum lives nearly 300 miles away she has been perfectly happy to come down and stay for a long weekend so that dh and I can go away 'sans child', leaving our 19 month old dd to granny's tender ministrations. We have a weekend away without dd roughly once every 3 to 4 months, and in the past year have done Gibralter, London (at the Savoy no less!) and Stratford upon Avon. This has tailed off a bit recently because I am pregnant, but we will resume this again once new born ds (due April) has switched to bottle feeding (I won't be breastfeeding beyond 6 months)

Other than that we go out in the evening together roughly once every couple of months. SIL lives fairly close by, and whilst she is happy to baby sit we don't like to take her for granted.

Should add that my mum is pretty competent with dd. Lets say I trust her to look after dd, more than I do my dh who I am reluctant to leave in sole charge of her!

My mum lives about 2 miles away from us. Our eldest child is nearly 4yrs old and no my mum has never done any babysitting for us. My MIL can't babysit as she is her dp's full-time carer since his stroke. Dh and I either stay in together or take turns looking after the boys so that the other one can go out with friends.

I can't remember the last film we saw at the cinema but it certainly wasn't anything as recent as "American Beauty".

Nada.. Nothing? not a thing for us? DS is almost three - we never go out on our own. My parents are useless with him, not to mention that they live 250 miles away. My PIL have both passed away, but my MIL was fantastic with him when she was alive, only problem was that she lived 6000 miles away.

Before DS came along we were such an insular couple we loved eating out, going for walks and generally being in alone together. Luckily DS has fitted in with us and we are now an insular threesome

Having no space to do our thing as a couple has really taken it's toll and is one of the main reasons we are moving back to South Africa in November when our new baby is born - we will have plenty of family and friends around to help. For us it will be weird - but I cannot wait!!

We get to go out about once every two months when dh's mum offers to babysit. But to be honest, we're just as happy with a bottle of wine and a video or some good music. We've had many a deep conversation over wine and a nice meal once the kids are in bed. Also, we usually take it in turns to go out at the weekend (although I've taken a back seat in this as ds is just 11 weeks old), so I will go out on Friday night and he'll go out on Saturday night. Then we'll reserve a night in just for us.

My family have never babysat or offered to take the kids for the day, but then I would never ask. They live too far away anyway. But I have friends who have taken my eldest for an afternoon and have suggested sleepovers (but at 3 I think she's too young yet). Dh's mum has also had dd overnight a few times whilst we've gone away, although that will be more difficult now we've got two.

I feel quite lucky as we still enjoy each other's company, and if there's nothing on the box we are quite happy to talk and talk. We can make a night special even if we've nowhere to go and no babysitter.

Mil lives with us and has mentasl health probs so we don't leave dd 2.9ys with her but the last time dh and i went out was mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmlast june. but night in are even a struggle when you have another adult......

We haven't done anything as a couple (like we did before) since DD's birth. We tend to do everything more as a family, as DD goes everywhere with us. Perhaps that is why she is very well behaved in public, many people would believe such a young baby is nearby. She is like a very quiet little person with lots of personality and complimented for it too.

Foster grandparents have offered to babysit, if we wanted sitters. SIL has offered but usually tends to have a busy schedule attending events of children competing for her own attention. FIL, maybe less than an hour if DD has been fed and watered. Other family members are broody and maybe fear they will want one afterwards. So, we haven't left her anywhere.

My parents on the other hand would make fabulous babysitters but they are a few oceans away. A pity as they would love it and be excellent at it. One day hopefully.

We have lots of nights in, open a bottle of wine, play scrabble on the Playstation, watch a good movie or snuggle and cuddle when DD is soundly asleep in her cot in another room. It has not been so bad, as the weather is usually bad on the weekends I think twice about leaving the house in cr*ppy weather. Nice and snug at home with all that I need.

I can't believe how many grandparents who live nearby don't help out. Do those of you in this situation not moan at them?

DH made me laugh the other day, my mum does look after dd more than his (but she has had bowel cancer and his dad bust his achilles all in the past 6 months, so they have had very good reasons). He said to me that now they were better they were going to have to take their Grandparently duties more seriously!!! What a nerve!!

I do believe the grandparents nearby and not wanting the grandchildren must be a cultural thing. Some people would disagree with this I am sure.

Perhaps it is a sign of the times. It wasn't until a month after, because I challenged FIL, before he held DD in his arms. He has never changed a nappy in his life and the stories I am hearing from SIL and heard from MIL, he was a bit hopeless at sterilizing bottles, the things would melt. In his day it was a woman's job to take care of the child. Believe me, DH doesn't have that attitude .... we are in this together, so he must contribute.

In my culture it is not strange for 3 generations to live under one roof. Generally the house would be large in enough that each can resign to their quarters and others would still have privacy. But in other cultures, as soon as the parents are old (and not even old), some people are thinking about a nursing home.

My grandmother is still alive(80 now) and I can remember at 5 years, that is going about 28 years ago, she would be with the grandchildren. Not scraping her fingers to the bone, prepping meals or anything, but just being with us, children, reading stories and hugging, she kept and eye on us whilst the parents did life's chores. Parents don't think twice of even asking, "can I leave dd or ds with you?". The grandparents want them around and are more than willing to babysit. As they said, they can give them back anytime.

Maybe it is all in your view of the situation, Do you think looking after the grandchild is a chore as opposed to a blessing. Few get the chance!!

I am lucky in that my inlaws live round the corner and have dd for the 3 days that I work and sometimes babysit (but not overnight Aloha ). They did actually offer to have her overnight for our wedding anniversary but it coincided with a bad dose of teething so we didn't want to inflict her on them.

We dump her quite regularly of a sunday and swan off for the afternoon though, they LOVE LOVE LOVE having her.

I like staying in though and one she is in bed we have nice dinners and wine and chat, he is still my best friend