Big decision time, could do with opinions/advice.......!

[jmg1]

We left the UK to live in Portugal almost one year ago.

I now know that I will always be single and also that I will not be ok/happy wherever I live and I have come to terms with that but there is no doubt that this is a much better environment (than the UK) for the kids and they doing well here.

If I stay here, my au pair would have to leave (Despite our situation the Portuguese will not give her another Visa) and there is no doubt I will never get someone to help who is so superb with the kids + they love her. She has been with us for nearly 3 years and is like a good Mother for the kids. I don't know how I would have coped without her help.

There is a big clash of personalities (maybe much to do with cultural differences) between au pair and me, but wherever we live this is a difficult situation for anyone to come into and help out and it will always take a special and strong person to be able to do it at any level. This type of person is not easy to find and as I do not even get to meet the Au Pairs before they arrive it's a total gamble. there are no Au Pair Agencies here either.

Since my Partner, my Mother and my Sister died I get bouts of depression which are not as bad as they were but depression can be difficult to control and impossible for people around to understand.

I have been making plans to return to England next month, booked and paid for ferry, sorted School places etc.

I have one week to make final decision, what do you think I should do?

jmg1 - I don't know your story apart from this post but you sound like you've had a rough time and more than your share of sadness. With regard to your decision, what is your real gut feeling? Are you doing coming back for you or your kids or just for another change of scenery to find some peace? It's a toughie, i don't envy your decision but you maybe need to write down the pros and cons and see them in black and white before you can make a decision. all the best.

What do the kids want? Remind me how old they are again?

What do you want? Of course, you're completely responsible for them, but if you momentarily strip all that away, what do you want?

What exactly would you be coming back to here in the UK?

Very tough situation, and even harder when so many emotions run high....

Are you sure she's irreplacable? I used to think I'd never fid anyone to cope with ds1, but now we had lots of people. How long will your au pair stay with you if you move back to the UK? If it was until the children grew up I'd go with her, if just for another year maybe not.

I had no idea you'd lost your partner, mother and sister - I'd go where you are most likely to find peace, and be easy on yourself.

The kids are 4 nearly 5, 6 and 7.
I don't want anything I just want to do the best for my kids.

In the UK its easier to get things done better and cheaper shopping food, clothes etc. There are Au Pair agencies so easy to get help.
I have no living close family so thats not an issue.

Here the kids have a very outdoor life, its easy to go places and do things with them due to great climate, much smaller population and more relaxed feel to life.

I thought I was coming back for all of us but when I really imagine (go through the life style in my mind) being back in the UK I can see no benefit for the kids, accept we keep the same aupair and perhaps they would grow up more street wise!

I don't know how long the au pair will stay but she loves the kids and some people say she has feelings for me.
A female friend told me that if I ever meet someone I want to be with the aupair would be a big obstacle and that she made her feel uncomfortable becuase she is protecting her nest.
Two female friends of mine came to stay and met aupair I dont know what went wrong but they wont speak to me anymore. One was a friend for 10 years the other for 25 years and I had never had a disagreement with either of them before they came to stay here.

Gosh the friend thing sounds weird (and really not on on their part).

Does the au pair make you feel uncomfortable. Is she putting pressure on you to return to the UK?

She would rather be in the UK and I can understand life is better for her there, but she is not putting pressure on me. At the moment the plan is to return. i am putting pressure on myself cause of the kids and because aupair has taken 3 years of her life to help us. I don't know how she would react if I say we are staying here.
The kids are happy here but they were doing fine in the UK, it will break their hearts when aupair leaves though.

do you think she has feelings for you?

if you went back to the UK, would the au pair stay with you?

Gosh, really complicated and the thing with the au pair sounds baffling. Is she putting pressure on you one way or the other?

Do you have close friends who could function as surrogate family either place? Many of us have found our "families" amongst friends when our own blood relations aren't capable/available.

Bonus in London is that you have access to many agencies that could help you find a good nanny/au pair. Also, wonder if you can think about getting some real help for yourself to face the depression, or at least manage it. My family/home life/romantic life completely fell apart 8 years ago, and who knows how I would have managed without the help of a good psychotherapist. I had resisted doing it for years, and then finally decided I was ready to live my life a different and hopefully better way. If you were interested in that, UK would probably be a better place to seek help.

Final question - if you came back to the UK, would you be returning to an area you know, or would you be starting fresh in a new part of London? Familiarity could be comforting, or there could be alot of painful memories....

What if you went back to England but the au pair left anyway? Your main reason for moving seems to be the au pair but there are no guarentees that she would stay are there?

It sounds like the kids would do well by staying where they are settled. The lifestyle appears to be fantastic.

My initial reaction is that this au pair is somehow brainwashing you into thinking she is all that, especially considering the fat that she has scared some of your long term friends off. I could be way off on that but that is the first thing that springs to mind on face value of what you have said.

I think, considering your kids are happy and settled, that if it were me I would stay in Portugal. You say there are no au pair agencies but can you advertise locally for a mothers help? Or are there other ways of managing day care (breakfast/afternoon clubs etc)?

Personally, I would not base my decision on the au pair, no one is irreplacable and she could also decide to leave you one day.

Good luck!

JMG, agree with WCL - au pair sounds frankly worrying. Is it worth moving back just to make her happy? There's no guarantee she'd stay long if you moved back, not unless you married her (which sounds as if it might be on her agenda). Even if she is Mary Poppins, it is possible you could find someone else as lovely to look after the kids - honestly, it's devastating when a trusted nanny/au pair/ childminder leaves, but there are other people out there. Although obviously not helped by no au pair agencies in Portugal (are there any in Spain?).

You were so unhappy before you moved - do you think you could move back without being subsumed by all that stuff again?

Was reserving judgment but having read update agree with WCL (and her post sums up my initial response).

Good luck- difficult decision. I would go with whatever "feels" right and not try too hard to justify it intellectually/mentally iyswim.

I have moved on since living leaving in UK but don't know if that is due to the move or time moving on, maybe both. I am battling the bouts of depression but sometimes I just can't function/think clearly and I am worried about how well I can care for the kids if I get into that mode with no one around to help out. Maybe being on my own would force me to try and beat off the bouts depression.

i think au pair sounds dodgy. is there no way you can get hold of your friends to ask them what happened? is she controlling? trying to cut you off from friends? i would definitely not make any decisions around her. you don't sound happy with her, but are keeping her on for your kids sake. she is replaceable, you are not. you are your childrens' mother, not her.

i think you should go with your heart.

Agree with others - the more I think about it, instincts say the aupair is a worry. Yes, she's been been a significant and positive presence in your lives since the death of your dw. But, sounds as if there are some significant negatives too. As much as you've depended on her, at some point she will leave, and this seems like a natural ending point.

Sorry it's all so hard and upsetting. You deserve a break, and many positive things, and I hope they're coming your way.

Stay in Portugal - if the children are unhappy then this is likely to kick you into a greater unhappiness imho.

Au pairs are replaceable - the children's early years are not! Do you have any Portugese friends who can perhaps recommend a local girl to care for you and the children - a housekeeper come father's help? She would be able to help by understanding the way things work locally, and to assimilate into the local population which will stand your children in good stead.

There is a lot to be said for fine weather and an outdoor life to help reduce the effects of depression - it might do you the world of good too