I cannot be bothered with my newborn

[jacinta1]

My beautiful baby boy was 3 weeks old yesterday. I love him more than anything, I would die for him. But, I just can't be bothered with him. I love to give him a cuddle for a few minutes a day but that's all I want. It may be because I am very tired, and I am sure this is a big part of it, but I just want to be on my laptop, watch tv, meet up with friends for coffee etc. I have had a lot of help since having the baby and so there's always someone who wants to cuddle him but on the rare occasion that I have to have him I just try to get him to sleep so I can put him down again and if he won't sleep I hold him near my side so my other hand is free to go on my laptop or eat etc.
Since he's been born I've been really upset at my attitude towards my baby. I am not depressed, just lazy! And I'm not a lazy person. I worked up until 40 weeks pregnant, have worked hard all my life to achieve good qualifications and live an active life (before baby I was never bothered with tv or the laptop). I just have no time for my baby and it makes me feel very guilty. I always considered myself very maternal, and in many ways I am a good Mum (baby is clean, fed and comfortable). Baby is not neglected, but is it normal to feel this way? Howe can I grow to enjoy looking after my baby?

op. You have not posted since your original op.
I hope you are still reading this.
We have your interests at heart.
It is ok to talk to your hv or GP about this. They will have heard it all many times before.
And no, you may not have PND, but equally you might. None of us are your GP, and they will know you better than we can on here.

If you were not lazy before, you will not be a lazy person now. Even if you are not doing much, you still are not lazy. Your body has been through a lot, and your emotions too.

I was similar after my second birth, traumatic and separated for a while, so I knew it wasn't 'right'. It was however certainly easier to just let the baby lie.

I read up quite a bit on attachment. Honestly for the first few months I was pleased to hand the baby over to anyone who wanted her. It was incredibly important for me to make the effort to develop the bond that more often comes naturally.

Things I did were -try to get lots of skin to skin. I'd curl up in bed and have baby on top of me. Even if I had a cup of tea and phone, at least we were in contact.

I tried hard to sustain bf which may or may not be working for you.

A sling works really well but I couldn't face that level of contact for too long. Shared baths are good too. Let your baby sleep on your lap. Anything which encourages the bond.

Baby massage classes were another thing my hv recommended to increase contact.

Honestly you've done nothing wrong but it could go very wrong if you don't turn it around.

Maybe less of everyone else helping with baby (they should be supporting YOU to look after baby -ie you see to babys care and cuddle, they bring you tea and food and do housework)

I was lucky in a way that I was interested a bit in attachment parenting with my first, and we had an amazing bond, so I at least knew what I war aiming for. I'd also read a bit and knew it wasn't my fault but it needed to be addressed.

Agree it doesn't sound normal. I was pretty overwhelmed initially with the responsibility of it all, but my love grew stronger every day and I pretty much wore him on me I loved his closeness so much. Of course everyone is different, but don't be fooled into thinking it is necessarily normal. They do become much more interesting when they begin to smile though.

I felt like this when my dd was born and it was pnd. I didn't want to spend any time with her and was just feeding and passing her back to my dp. I got medication and support and now at 10 weeks I am totally in love with her and I can see that they way I was feeling was not normal.

Please speak to your gp or hv.

I am so sorry you are feeling like this, and I sympathise hugely.

Whilst I felt a little overwhelmed.and sometimes detached from DC1, it was not nearly to the extent you describe. And I agree with posters saying that your situation should.not be normalised. I would urge you to speak with your hv and gp.

It is one thing to be sympathetic and not criticise. It is another to trivialise.

OP, I hope you're ok.
I felt like this with my second. Not with my first. So I felt that something wasn't right and did a questionnaire which indicated PND.

PND is a subtle thing - comes in many forms. It seems so scary to have a label like that.

Just speak to your HV. Even if you don't think you've got anything wrong, have a chat with her and get her thoughts. It's worth popping down to the baby clinic on a regular basis to check in and meet other mums at the very least.

I am sleeping fine as my Mum has baby at night to help me out so I haven't been sleep deprived . I was exhausted the first two weeks as my Mum wasn't around but things are better now.
I'm not depressed or sad at all. Just find my newborn boring and they are completely different things.
I do however, wish I didn't feel this way. I see my Mum coo over baby and smile at him and I wish I could be so interested in him but he doesn't do anything interesting. I spoke to my Health Visitor and she said it was normal. That some people are not newborn people and that once he smiles I will feel much more connection/excitement about him.
Judging by the replies on here it is normal how I am feeling so I feel like I'm not completely weird! lol

It is -but if you aren't proactive about bonding with your baby it can affect things later. I think this is especially the case where someone else ends up doing a lot of the care.

jacinta, it's not normal. You can kid yourself that it's just you are not a newborn person, and it is possible things will get better by themselves and you will find yourself having the sort of relationship you long for.

Almost everything you say in your OP shows you feel this lack of a relationship very deeply.

It could be that your mum is taking over. It's not normal, either, for a grandmother to care for the baby overnight, every night.

Whatever......it's not possible to get the whole story from a talkboard, anyway :)

I hope things get better for all of you.

I do love my baby and enjoy a cuddle with him. I miss him if I'm away from him for long. But after a cuddle and kiss I do then get bored of him. I am not completely detached from him like some have suggested. I would die for my baby but he doesn't interest me greatly. I am not worried about the situation anymore though. Motherhood wasn't as I expected but I really believe once baby is a bit more interactive I will feel completely different. I'm just glad I wrote this post as was able to discuss my feelings honestly :-)

I personally think you should be worried - at least enough to do something about it rather than just giving us on nurturing the relationship. How does your mum think things are going? Will she be looking after the baby long term or just to get you on your feet?

I have a 9 week old and tbh- im a bit bored. I miss work- I miss my colleagues at work.
I take DD to swimming and other groups but im still bored. I love her immensely and when she smiles and laughs my heart melts- but by God. I am Bored.

sorry hit post too soon! think what im trying to say is that it can take time to 'develop' that relationship with baby- if that makes sense??

Health Visitor said 3 weeks after birth is too early to make any decisions on PND as many new mums feel all sorts of emotions and that newborns arent very interesting to many people.
She said if I still felt that way when he becomes more interactive then it's time to worry but that what I descirbe is common.
There are a lot of women on this post saying they felt the exact same and they didn't have PND so don't see why everyone seems to think I must be suffering from PND based on what I have wrote. lol.
I know when he gets interactive and chubby and cute I won't feel that way anyway so I'm not worried. LND is a serious disorder that some seem far too keen to diagnose.

So long as you are cuddling and feeding him most of the time, then watching TV/internetting while doing so sounds fine to me. Newborns don't do that much. I spent much of the first few weeks in bed or on the sofa with DS while feeding him and watching DVD boxsets, or put him in the sling and went to meet friends.

If you are trying to limit your time with him and hand him over/put him down/get away a lot of the time then that is not normal and it sounds like difficulty in bonding.

I didn't say anything about pnd - I didn't have pnd, its just about developing a bond with your baby and making an effort to develop that bond when it doesn't come naturally.

I don't find it that abnormal either... Just honest. I loved DOING things for my DS. Feeding, changing, bathing, taking him a walk, getting him to sleep, swaddling, etc. But as he got older and the awake times were longer, I was... bored. Love him to bits, but you can only play peek-a-boo so many times before losing your mind. I preferred to carry him and do things at the same time than talk in baby language all day. It got much better when he started crawling and then walking and talking and now we are inseparable.

He is 8 and I love spending time with my wee buddy, going swimming, reading books, hiking, baking together, doing science experiments, watching a movie, etc, etc.

He is a real mummy and daddy's boy and lovely to be around. Not everyone is so enticed to spend hours every day playing baby games, it IS boring. For some people, anyway.

I would advise to stay active. Get out as much as you can, buy a sling and carry him around while doing other things, learn how to massage him, take your time with nappy and clothes changing and bathing and feeding.

What hetti said actually -the physical contact is key. If you spend most of your day feeding or cuddling when not feeding that will build a bond.

If you're having the odd cuddle, then passing back to mum, its not so great. I was like this with my second so I could tell the difference in myself. I would do anything for her other than actually give her the cuddles and contact she needed!

Yes yes to sling time, cuddles, massage. All those are things that will deepen the bond.

I agree with your HV - 3 weeks is too soon to diagnose PND and I don't think anyone was doing this (would be crazy to diagnose by a talkboard, anyway!).

I think it's good you have raised it with the HV and she will be keeping an eye on things :)

Your opening post is rather different in tone from your later posts - read it, and see the words and phrases you have chosen. I think you are understandably trying to normalise the whole thing, and you may be absolutely fine in a few weeks. Your baby is getting plenty of cuddles from his grandmother so she is filling the gap - and that's a good thing, when the mum does not feel able to cuddle for more than a few minutes a day.

There could be more going on here than even you realise at the moment, OP - it's good your HV has been brought into your confidence.

I think feeling bored is quite normal to a greater or lesser extent BUT feeling detached and like you cant be bothered isn't really.

I felt as you describe after a very traumatic labour and birth with ds1, I did have pnd but had other symptoms too.

For me, building a relationship with ds1 took time, months if I'm really honest and it was something I had to work at. He's my little shadow now and I love him to pieces but the newborn days were very hard. I think keep an eye on yourself, keep talking about how you feel and try not to let others take over. My dh and mum did a lot of day to day care when I was unwell and In retrospect I don't really think this was altogether helpful.

Bear in mind that anyone with more than one child will often gave to pop baby in sling/Moses basket just to get on with stuff. If you worked very close up to birth then it's not surprising you need a bit if an adjustment.
I also agree with the poster who said that basically babies smile when they need to to keep you interested! It carries on right the way through their development - I was ready to sell my son on eBay the other week as he was such a tantrummy toddler, he has now learnt to do sorry kisses and that almost makes up for it!
Only you know whether you are trying to avoid your baby it not.

Hello op, how you getting on? Feel free to pm if wish. Best wishes x

The thing that looked odd to me is that you don't want to hold him much. Only for a few minutes a day? How do you bond with him?

Hmm.

On the one hand, yes newborns don't do much and life with a tiny baby can be boring.

On the other hand it does seem strange that you don't want to cuddle him more. What about letting him sleep on your chest while you are on laptop or watch tv? he will love it (babies need cuddles as well as just food and clean nappies) and you might start to feel closer to him, notice his little ways, etc.

I also wonder if the main problem is that you have too much help. If you have great sleep at night then life with a newborn would be very very slow and I could understand you wanting to get out and do more. Whereas if you had newborn sleep (i.e. very little) then life with a newborn would not feel slow, it would feel like all you could manage! Personally I would suggest that you start looking after your son at night - of course your mum can still help, it's great to have help, but perhaps not quite so much. It seems like maybe her help is hiding the reality of having a baby from you.

May I ask, how old are you?