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A friend has asked me if ds is OK.

6 replies

joanofarchitrave · 07/11/2013 23:56

DS is 9. I WOTH full time and my husband is at home fulltime, but has a chronic illness so can't do everything that some parents manage. There is a wonderful network of friends locally who spend a lot of time with ds as a result.

This evening when I went to pick up ds from an activity, one of my friends took me aside and asked me if ds was OK. If he is in a big group, she says he tends to walk away and be on his own. She has seen it quite often, including this evening. He does fine with one or two friends.

Ds never used to be like this, he was always the most sociable of children, but he is older now and it's OK for things to change, obviously. I find, though that I just don't have the first idea how to try to get ds to open up about this. Last year and briefly this year, ds was bullied, and talking to him about it was like pulling teeth. The school were fab, actually, and he is currently having some weekly support, a kind of mix between play therapy and 1:1 PSHE.

When you do emotional intelligence type conversations with a child, where do you begin?? Sometimes when I come home after a full day at work, my antennae for ds's emotions are off, and I end up going in too intensely, or just getting the atmosphere wrong.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
123rd · 08/11/2013 00:09

Hey Joan. My dd is 9 and speaking to her totally depends on her mood unfortunately. Sometimes-tonight for eg-after bath and story we just sat chatting on her bed. Didn't start off as anything important but we got round to talking about some stuff that was happening at school. If I time it wrong i just won't get anything out of her.
Not a huge amount of help. Sorry. Maybe suggest you both go for a burger or something over the weekend. And see if he opens up?

antimatter · 08/11/2013 00:10

I think that asking them as soon as you walk into the door - Hi, How was your day and stopping to listen, know friends names, any little detail he shares is the beginning of good conversation.

If you could lie down on the sofa and have little cuddle - even better. and if that becomes your routine then he will learn slowly to open up and share.

joanofarchitrave · 08/11/2013 21:15

that's really helpful, thank you both x

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DearPrudence · 08/11/2013 21:28

I think that both of you being engaged in another activity helps children open up. If we're colouring, or doing lego or something, DS will chatter away to me about all sorts of things.

I also read something on here once about paying as much attention to the little stuff as the big stuff, because to the child, it's all big stuff.

Extremewife · 08/11/2013 21:36

I think a drive often works with boys maybe you could take him somewhere and chat on the way
This always worked for my mum and my brother

Pogosticks · 08/11/2013 21:46

DS is nearly 9 and its quite random when we talk. Driving definitely helps and asking him about little details he's mentioned before to show I listen, he will often reveal something fairly major as a result:
'how is Fred is he still really into beyblades?'
'NO ONE plays beyblades any more I think it's because Mrs Teacher banned them after Jonny started a beyblades riot but I don't care anyway because that's when I go to Genius Maths'
'What, Genius maths, that's great, since when??!!!?

I ask both DC each bedtime if they have any questions, worries, problems or things they want to talk about. Because its a routine question it makes it easier than the big deep breath 'I need to tell you something' moment.

I have noticed this is the age where DS is more confident in who he wants to be friends with and isn't fussed about being without friends. Eg wanted to start a football thing where he didn't know anyone because he loves football. I do think its a normal age to detach a bit.

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