How come everyone else seems to cope ok?

[grounddown]

My DS is 9 months and wakes between 3-5 times a night. DD is 2.4 and has just hit the terrible twos hard. I'm really struggling with sleep deprivation, working and DP & I at each others throats most of the time because we are so tired. DP was made redundant last week and is really struggling to find a new job so added stress of no money.
When I walk down the street or go to the park I see lots of mothers having loads of fun with their kids, I'm pushing a double buggy with a screaming baby and a whiny toddler with no make up on wearing tatty old clothes because I'm so behind on the washing. My house is a tip too :( and I am generally in tears between 3 and 5am every morning.
Why can't I cope and everyone else can???

Tbh, it sounds like you are doing a bloody good job of coping in tough circumstances. Don't be so hard on yourself.

If everyone else could cope then there wouldn't be websites like Mumsnet :). You're far from alone - it's just that some people are better at faking it than others.

I think you're probably at the worst ever stage of parenting. I still remember (and it was well over 20 years ago) sitting on the stairs with a screaming 2 year old in one arm and a screaming baby in the other unable to move because I just didn't know what to do. I just sat there, for ages and ages. And nothing I've been through as a parent since (and I have 4) has ever been quite as bad as that stage. You'll have other tough times, but this is the worst.

All you can do is regard just getting to the end of the day with everyone still alive as enough of an achievement. It will get better, I promise.

I turned the baby monitor off aged four months. I figured that if they really needed me, they could scream loud enough and I wouldnt be disturbed by every tiny little bit of waking up. I also gave only water from a bottle, even to exclusively breastfed dc between the hours of 10 and 6. No cuddles, nothing. They got the idea pretty soon, although it took a few very hard days.
ATM you cant cope because you are getting no sleep. That makes absolutely everything worse. but it also goes into a downward spiral, the kids pick up on it, and get upset, so scream even more. You may also have some undiagnosed PND, or not, but until you start getting the oppurtunity to get some sleep, you wont be able to work it out.

Can you have a sleepover somewhere else whilst someone else looks after your kids overnight? just so that you can get some uninterrupted sleep? your mom? dad? mil? sil? sister? friends? anyone you trust basically. Everything is worse when you have no sleep, and you need some rest.
forget the house. as long as its not going to be condemend as unfit for human living, its fine. (I am talking faeces on the carpet sort of thing).

lastly, hugs. This too shall pass.

Thank you all.
DS is just so bloody difficult at the mo, he's always been a crap sleeper but the last few days have been horrific, teething coupled with fireworks :(
DD was such an easy baby, I thought we would be fine with another but I was just soooo wrong, they couldn't be more different.
DD has started to have tantrums, I'm pretty sure it's because she is hungry but she is going through a funny stage with food ATM and I'm trying not to make a big deal if it.
It sounds awful but I really don't enjoy being a mom at present, I love my kids but I am not a natural mother at all.

Sleep deprivation is torture - you wouldn't expect to be cheerful on the rack would you? So don't assume you're not a 'natural mother' (whatever that is) because you're miserable now.

Is your DH pulling his weight? Redundancy's awful, but, well, at least he should have time to do housework and generally help you out.

Finally, google 'entitledto' to see if there are tex credits or suchlike you could be claiming.

Just have to say you're not alone. I have a just turned two year old DS and a nearly four yr old DS and it's been incredibly difficult. I too used to be in tears at night because my youngest would wake four times a night, then my eldest would be up at 5am for the day. Unlike when you just have one child, you can't just sleep in the day when they sleep because there's always the other to tend to. I had 3.5 years never getting any sleep and because my partner worked ridiculously long hours and I have no family support locally, I never had the opportunity to catch up on any of the sleep or let anyone take the kids off my hands for a while. It was torture. However, since the middle of the year, both DS have finally started sleeping through and I feel so much better. I no longer feel so down, I have loads more patience with them and everything feels so much brighter. It really is the sleep deprivation that clouds your mind and makes you feel so down. Also, have to sympathise with feelings that the second baby was so much harder than the first. It was a shock for me too. Please know that there are many people out there feeling exactly as you do, you can get through it and if my experience is anything to go by, once they start sleeping through, you will feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. So sorry to hear about your DP's redundancy. As another poster has said, whilst he's off work hopefully between job apps and interviews, he can get on top of cleaning the house a bit and help dealing with the kids when they wake at night. Try to get a little benefit from an otherwise bad situation. Hope you feel better soon.

I'm so glad there is light at the end of the tunnel!! My DP is not great, if it wasn't for the kids I wouldn't be with him which is sad but I can't do this on my own at the moment. He helps but is very reluctant to have much to do with DS who needs carrying round most of the time as he is very whiney ATM (he is currently wide awake in his cot and I am at a loss as to what to do with him)
My mom and dad are brilliant and supportive but they won't have him overnight becAuse they both work full time in stressful jobs but they have us over on a Sunday so I can at least pass him over and have a bit of time with DD (I feel very guilty that I have let her down by having DD as she hardly gets any time with me now and we used to have such fun before) it all sounds like I don't like DS but he is a lovely little boy and I am so lucky to have him I'm just so tired I can't appreciate him at the moment :(

Thanks for all the encouragement everyone.

Just had to say following your recent post that I too could not appreciate my second boy. From the moment he was born the demands of dealing with two children so young really wore me down to the point where I don't even think I really bonded with the second. All he seemed to do was scream and scream and it felt like our lives had been turned upside down by him. I thought of him as the really difficult chid and worse still, if you'd have asked me back then about my love for my boys I might have even said I felt preference toward my first son (I know how awful this sounds) However, now I am getting a decent night's sleep and nearly a year and a half on, I can say that the bond with my second child has improved dramatically, and I can honestly finally say that I love him just as much as my other son. Looking back, I don't think my second son was any more difficult than the first, it was just the circumstances of having two so young and the sleep deprivation that made me harbour those awful feelings. So yes, just trying to let you know that your feelings about not being able to appreciate your new son are, I'm sure, shared by others they just don't like to admit it.

Shakystart thank you so much for sharing that, I am looking forwards to a good nights sleep In the future!! It certainly does feel like having a small age gap

Was a bad idea but DS was unplanned (which doesn't help my DPs feelings) and so I didn't have much choice.

I had to post. I was the same. DS arrived when DD was just 2.4. He totally turned our lovely world on its head, was a much more demanding and harder baby than DD. I missed the relationship I had had with DD dreadfully and by 5 months I admitted defeat and ended up on Prozac with PND. I also found it very hard to bond and sat it tears one night telling my DH that I felt nothing for DS and that all the care I gave him was just going through the motions out of duty - the admission of this made me feel like the worst mother in the world.

Anyway, I too can also report that at 23mths he is now totally the light of my life and I love every single thing about him. He is still harder work than my DD was at his age, but I can see now that he is a totally different personality and that is what makes him who he is. I will even admit that as much as I still adore my 4yr DD there are times when I now find my DS easier going!

You are at the coal face at the moment. All hard grind. But don't despair, you will see light again and one day before you even realise it has happened you will find yourself with 2 lovely children that you love deeply AND actually be enjoying their company. It will happen. Until it does just do what you need to survive - call for help and accept it when it is offered.

Good luck x

Thank you so much.
I have spoken to my local sure start centre today and they are sending a family support worker round next week to talk to me about DS sleeping. I know they don't have a magic wand but it will help to talk to someone.
I just wish DP would get a job, I really can't stand spending so much time with him in the house. I'm spending most of the days I don't work out walking the kids around!!

Sonu678 how do I know if I have PND? Do I just go to the do a and suggest it or do they have to diagnose me? I'm going to docs tomorrow so I could mention it then?

Docs that was supposed to be

Yes just talk to the doctor about how you feel. They should do a test called an Edinburgh test, which is just a series of questions you answer, they calculate a score and that determines where you lie on a PND scale and what kind of help may then be appropriate.

Family support worker is a great idea, even if you don't have PND. For me the joint support from family (who were all amazing and really rallied to help me) and a weekly PND listening group I was referred to helped enormously. I did take Prozac which helped at the very least as it made me feel I was doing something about the problem, but the support I received helped the most I think. I know you have said family are great but won't help overnight - you might find if you did get a formal diagnosis of PND and then talked to them about it, they may change their view and help with an odd night here and there if they know how desperate you are.

I can't imagine being in your shoes with a DP you feel as you do about - that must add massively to your stress.

Big hugs and good luck with docs and family support worker xx

Agree with all advice so far re seeing a GP. Everyone hides their crises with parenting - mothers in particular. I have similar age gaps to yours and have 3 now - youngest is 16mo and eldest just gone 6. It is still really difficult and last year when DS2 basically didn't sleep for his first 10 months of life were so, so hard. I cried a lot and my Dad died when he was 5 months old which made things a whole lot bleaker.

Oddly the bond between DS2 and me never weakened bd sue as he was breast feeding he was physically with me during Dads last days. I remember clinging to his lovely chunky little body for dear life. He was with me in my darkest hour if not through choice.

DD has put me through the wringer in a few ways too - potty training being a fucking nightmare and still not 100% reliable even though she's coming up to 4! Bonds are strong and even if they weaken they will recover.

And if you'd seen me screaming into my phone at DH when DS2 managed to lock me out of the car yesterday with DD waiting with a sprained knee you'd know how tightly stretched I am - all the time. I manage to look competent but only on the surface.

yes, suggest to the doc, but tbh, I think you need to find out first yourself, by giving yourself an oppurtunity to sleep. one of the symptoms is not being able to sleep, but in your case, you cant because your kids keep waking you up. So how can that be upicked?

I think that if your dh is currently not working, you should leave him with his kids, and go to your parents house, and get a good nights kip.

You're not alone and what you see isn't always the reality at home. I'm sure I look like a happy coping mum at times when I'm out and about with the kids - we might have the odd trip to the park where they are both happy and having fun, or the other day we managed lunch at John Lewis and they were little angels (ish). I also had make up on and washed hair! Other days I struggle to cope and lose my patience and shout, and on occasion have shut myself in the bathroom to cry or just walked out into the garden. I snap and nag much more than I want to. I'd love a third dc but I'm ashamed to admit to myself that I'm not sure I could cope and would end up making ds1 and dd2's childhoods less happy because I'd be such a stressbag. So don't assume that all the mums out there who look calm and happy are always like that. I'm sure that isn't the case for 90% of us. Your dd2 is at a very difficult age - in no time she will grow up a bit and become easier to manage. Try to involve her in babycare so that she feels included, even if just to fetch a pack of wipes and then praise her for being so helpful. The terrible two's are dreadful - terrible, even! - but honestly pass quickly. My ds1 is nearly 5yo and I wonder where on earth the time went.

Everyone feels the same a friend once told me she wished she could be more like me as a mum I would not have believed in a million years that anyone would think that about me never mind someone I think of as doing better than me but there you go she was sitting thinking I do better than her.