Trying to explain death?

[Leljay]

Hi all,

My LB is coming up for 3, and is a chatty little guy. His friend (our family friend), let's call him J, is almost 2, and his mum passed away when he was a very young baby, so it is just him and his daddy.

LB has recently become very curious as to why J does not have a mummy. I have explained that he DOES have a mummy, but that she got very hurt, and couldn't stay with J and his daddy. LB won't accept this explanation, has 101 questions, and gets upset over why J's mummy would leave him if he loved him, and now asks if I will leave him.

We are not religious, so 'heaven' is not an answer. J's dad is somewhat, and J himself will tell anyone who asks that she is an angel. My LB can't understand this, and I am struggling to find a way to explain to him.

Help!

We've said that sometimes people don't choose to go away, and J's Mummy didn't choose to go away, but was taken away from him.
And that I would never choose to leave them.
Might that work?

Have you tried him out with the word 'died'? Rather than 'gone away'?
When my little boy was 3.5 yrs (so, older than your little one, which might make all the difference) my parents eldest dog had to be put down.

We simply told him that the dog had gotten old and really sick and had died. He asked lots of follow up questions (will I do too? will he die? can the doctor not fix him? What was wrong with him? I miss him.. etc) I just explained that sometimes dogs and people get to sick that the doctor can't fix them and they die. I said that we all die eventually but it would be a long long time before that happened to me or him. Because the dog was old, it was easy to say that when dogs get really really old, they get ill and die.

He didn't have any more questions after that, and a few times since has says 'I'm sad because granny's dog has died and I can't see him anymore' so I think he has a broad understanding of it. If he's too worried by the response you've given him maybe try the word 'died' and see if that helps him make sense of it (maybe start by pointing out dead things like dead insects etc when you're out and about?).

I would go with died, adults have the problem discussing it, children are fine if you are matter of fact.

'Go away' is far more worrying because it is so vague and you could and do 'go away' all the time.

Leljay, I agree with the others you should be clear that the mum has died, and be ready to explain what that means. Children feel anxious about euphemisms - they want and need straight answers; but you can do it sensitively.

When my Dad had terminal cancer, and then died, my boys had lots of questions and I found it helped me to talk to them plainly and simply through the answers. When we got to the "what happens after you die bit" I explained that we're all made of atoms, which came from the stars. They're a bit like lego bricks, and when you die they're re-used to make other lovely things like trees and flowers, and some of them help to feed insects and birds, or are blown away on the wind to beaches and mountains. When we're out and about in nice places they sometimes say "do you think some of grandpa's atoms are here?" and we have fun discussing where they might be.

However, in your case I think I would also explain that some people think that when they die their spirit becomes an angel - you don't have to say you agree, but it will help to explain what her friend means by that.