Do you have any ideas for nurturing a jealous older sibling?

[GetYourSocksOff]

I've posted on here before about how challenging DS's behaviour has become since DD arrived. They are now 4(DS) and 17 months (DD).

I've done quite a lot of reading and books like How To Talk... and Easier, Happier Calmer Parenting have given me some strategies for dealing with he behaviour.

However... I feel like I'm fire fighting and should be looking to deal with the cause. Obviously DD is here to stay! So far I've tried the following:

1. Making sure DS gets time alone with me. Most school days he gets 2hours+ with me or DH as the journey to school is long and we have at least 30 mins together when DD goes to bed. This is cuddle/story/chat time so quality time together. We also have occasional days out together just the two of us (2 over half term). His behaviour is fantastic then.

1. I give him loads of praise and tell him I love him (and variations on this) a lot. We chat about when he was tiny (he loves this). We have lots of cuddles and tactile play.

DD would be permanently attached to me at the moment if she could be and between that and the fact that she does need more hands on care at this stage, DS gets jealous of the attention she receives and I can't see how to change that. He generally decides that he needs picking up when she does or that he will have a tantrum when she does and it's very frustrating at times.

If you have any suggestions at all to make life easier for my little man (and hopefully therefore improve his behaviour!) I would love to hear them.

TIA

I suppose you've tried the old chestnut about telling DS how much DD loves him, how much she wishes she could go to school like him, how much she misses him when he's at school etc (even if she doesn't!). Sort of helping him to realise that she's another little person to love and admire him...maybe get him to draw a picture for her, build a really big tower tower for her (because DD can't build towers as big as you can and she loves big towers etc) so she can knock it down? I always used to go on about how clever the little ones thought the bigger ones were - when I was telling any of them how much I loved them, I'd include their siblings loving them to. I don't know if that'll help at all, mine were quite a bit younger when I used to do this, but thought I'd mention it anyway.

He may not understand that he's not being packed off to school because of his little sister - that he would be going anyway. It's also worth pointing it out every time he does something that she can't do. Have you bought any books for him about the baby? All about being a big brother and how important it is?

happy2help I've done a little of that but actually reading your suggestions could do it more and in other ways. Thanks - I'll have a think about that. He does respond to that sort of thing.

zuleika he has a couple of big brother books, but he wasn't really interested in them when she was tiny. Now he's showing more interest but they're not so relevant because they are specifically about pg/newborns. We're sort of stuck between those (baby too little) and Charlie and Lola (both a bit too big!). I don't know if anyone has any suggestions of books or characters who fit our ages a bit better?

I keep meaning to try some role play with him too. I have a bit of a mental block with this, no idea why!!

I'd play on the fact that you have one of each, and remind DS that he is your only boy! As he gets older, he might enjoy getting to be the 'big brother' and being told he should look after her and protect her - my DS has been great with my DD because he likes to be 'her protector'!

Just thought of something our DS came out with after the birth of DD3 - it was ages after her birth, but he actually thought that we'd chosen to have only one boy but 3 girls because we preferred girls to boys, and this really made him feel secure. Their minds can work in mysterious ways - we were gobsmacked that he would ever think that!
I think Leljay is on to something, OP, about being your only boy, but obviously only if you're sure you won't have any more DCs.

Siblings Without Rivalry (sequel to HTTSKWL, have you got that one?) would say to listen and acknowledge the negative feelings about his sibling. Giving the 'bad' feelings some space in your discussion could result in those feelings losing their power.

There's a funny book called "Julius the Baby of the World" by Kevin Henkes about an older pre-schooler who is very jealous of her new baby brother. She thought it would be great until he arrived and then she is very unimpressed and keeps ending up in the "uncooperative chair" due to her bad behavior. Finally at a family party one of her cousins starts mocking and criticizing Julius and his big sister finds that she is fact very proud and protective of her a baby brother. She makes her cousin hold him and shout "Julius is the Baby of the World!!" as her punishment.

I use the favourite boy one quite a bit :)

(Although yes, never thought of that... That could be very tricky if we had a third no bloody chance )

humphrey I tried your suggestion on the journey home. His reaction was bizarre. I'm going to gently try that again at some point.

honeyandrum I'm off to amazon! Thanks