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Parenting

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Original poster

what to do?

32 replies

bamboozleslover · 06/07/2006 21:29

just posted this in parenting but thought this may be a more suitable place for it.

anyway in a few months time i may be going to uni if i can decide whether i want to go or not. my ds will be only 2 months old and if i decide to go it will mean leaving him for a few days every week with my parents and then coming home for a few days to see him. not sure of the exact structure - it will depend on my timetable. anyway if i decide i can do this (at the moment i'm not sure i can) i have to decide whether to say goodbye to ds here (so I can't keep putting off saying goodbye and will have to get in the car and that will be that) or whether my parents should bring him to cardiff (where uni is) so i get the most time with him possible and say goodbye there. it is going to be so hard either way. even writing this has brought tears to my eyes

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sallystrawberry · 06/07/2006 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snafu · 06/07/2006 21:32

Is there no other option? It sounds awful, tbh.

Original poster

bamboozleslover · 06/07/2006 21:36

studying spanish. the problem is lots of unis offer spanish as part of a combined course, but not on its own. the nearest places were cardiff, leeds or manchester - all about a 2 hour drive away.

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sandradee · 06/07/2006 21:37

Are you a mature student or normal aged? If the latter is there no way you can defer for a few years until he is older or could you transfer your course to be nearer home.

Don't give up on going to uni but this may not be the best time to do it. You may end up going and dropping out because of the stess of it all.

You have your whole life ahead of you but DS is still very young and needs his mummy.

There must be alternatives to leaving him behind?

Snafu · 06/07/2006 21:37

What about OU?

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 06/07/2006 21:39

keep your options open bamboozleslover. I'm guessing that you're quite young, and that ds is not yet born and will be your first. it's impossible for anyone to know what life's going to be like and how they will feel after their baby is born - the question you ask is a minor one in the scheme of things and if you do go ahead you'll do what works best for you, him and your parents, with regard to this particular thing. I know life might seem like a rush right now but I assure you it's longer than you think and if it comes to it delaying uni by one measly little year, which you then spend having a lovely lovely time with your baby, waiting til he's 14 months, a lot easier for your parents to cope with is a serious option. you'll find lots of options for you and realistically you probably can't decide which one's best until ds is with you. good luck, whatever you decide.

Original poster

bamboozleslover · 06/07/2006 22:04

ds is 13 days old. i thought about putting it off for a year, but then i thought it would be a lot harder for me and ds. he will be used to having me around, whereas at 8 weeks old he probably won't know any different as to who looks after him. was thinking along the lines of what he doesn't know he can't miss. and as for me it will be no easier to leave him at 14 months than it would be to leave him this october.

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Original poster

bamboozleslover · 06/07/2006 22:06

btw i'm 18 this august. i guess i won't know if i can handle it until i try it. i think i might try it and then if i don't like it i can always put it off or even consider changing my course and restarting a year later so i could stay at home.

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sallystrawberry · 06/07/2006 22:07

This reply has been deleted

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sandradee · 06/07/2006 22:11

Bamboozlesover I am not in your situation and I don't know you but I think you are making a big mistake going now.

You have made a committment to have a baby and therefore as his mother it is your duty to look after him - at least until he is old enough and strong enough to be looked after by someone else.

My god your are not even 18 yet!! I know people who went to uni at 35!!

Please please please think again about your little boy who needs his mummy. You think it's not important but these times are the most important - you need to bond with him.

Is there no way you can speak to the university and sort out an arrangement where by you can do some distance learning?

Or try and defer.

That's my opinion but good luck what ever you decide to do.

Snafu · 06/07/2006 22:12

I just can't believe that full-time uni right now is your only option.

My honest opinion is that both you and your ds are way too young for this to be the right choice. You, because you could (surely?) easily leave it for a couple of years and him because, well, he's 8 weeks old!

Is there a particular reason why you feel you need to go to uni right now?

Mytholmroyd · 06/07/2006 22:13

Can you not register part-time - you'd probably only need to be away a couple of days a week then, it will take longer but might work and you might be able to swap back to full-time in a year or two. Some courses can also be done by distance learning similar to the OU. In my experience Unis are usually pretty flexible once you are on the course. I agree though that two months is very young and you might want to defer for a year once your baby is born - I did, and it was not a problem. Trying to study whilst traumatised from leaving you baby would be awful - hope you find a solution!

Original poster

bamboozleslover · 06/07/2006 22:34

basically my option is to go this year or defer a year. i had been edging towards the deferring option, but on talking it over with my midwife who had sensed i was down about something, she said i would not find it easy no matter how old ds was, but it might be easier for him if he was used to it from such a young age, rather than him being used to me looking after him for 14 months and then me disappearing for half the week. the main thing i am worrying about is missing so many of those first moments. this hit me the other day when mum told me he was holding his head up at which i immediately dropped what i was doing to see it for myself - something i wouldn't be able to do 2 hours away.

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thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 06/07/2006 23:17

congratulations bamboozlerlover. I did my sums wrong and thought he hadn't arrived yet! Maybe the mw is right and the baby would not know any different - but ask yourself if you really don't want him to know any different? the first year's very important for their emotional development (it might seem like all they do is cry and feed but in reality their brains are doing all manner of stuff we don;t even realise!) and it's important for bonding too. and important - imho - for you to be mum, to be in charge. obviously you need your parents and it's fantastic that they are so supportive but it might give you a real confidence boost to feel that you've done a year fully in the mum's seat and then feel ready to move on to Uni. and tons of people these days take gap years so nothing unusual about that. There's no right answer here though, I'm just putting another view for you to ponder.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 06/07/2006 23:19

btw - can i ask where ds's father fits in to all this? you don;t have to answer that, if you don't want, just that if his life is less affected it makes me v. cross.

Original poster

bamboozleslover · 06/07/2006 23:40

in his eyes his life is not affected at all - won't even accept that he is ds' father . haven't spoken to him since last november when i told him even though at xmas he was at a party that i was at and stood about a metre away from me!

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thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 06/07/2006 23:44

what do your parents have to say about that? or his for that matter? It's early days yet but he needs to take responsibility too. I'm off to bed now. I hope you're feeling positive - first few weeks are tough on everyone. but you'll work everything out and have a ds to be proud of, and will be able to be proud of yourself - and your parents sound great. I'm sure there are some younger mums on mn too - see if you can dig them out. good night

Ellbell · 07/07/2006 00:36

Hi bamboozleslover

Can't reply to this as fully as I'd like to because I'm away to a conference tomorrow and still haven't written my paper (am in the process, but it's not finished!).

I just wanted to reassure you that it CAN be done. I'm a lecturer in a languages department, and I have seen people complete modern language degrees with very young children. It's tough, but it's not impossible.

I really think that in your position I'd consider deferring for a year. Yes, your midwife is probably right that your baby is less likely to suffer separation anxiety now than in a year's time. However, if you're leaving him with your parents it's not the same as leaving him in paid childcare. He's with people who love him and in a situation which he knows well. He'll be fine. What are you going to do about your year abroad? Are you going to take him to Spain with you? (Again, I've known people who've done this - in fact, we have someone abroad at the moment with a 12 month old.)

Please talk to your lecturers (whether you go this year or next) and ask them to bear your personal circumstances in mind. They may be able to arrange classes all on Tuesday-Thursday for example, so that you get long weekends at home with your boy... Don't feel bad about asking for 'special treatment'.

I can't think of anything else right now... my brain is in 'conference panic mode'. I'll come back to this thread when I get back, to see if it's still going. Good luck with everything!

Original poster

bamboozleslover · 07/07/2006 19:13

his parents don't care. probably a large factor to why he doesn't. in fact they shut the door in my mums face telling her to take me for an abortion as it was the "best thing all round" and they already had 4 grandchildren and didn't want anymore just yet.

thanks ellbell - although i'm no closer to a decision that has given me a real boost. for my year abroad i plan to take ds with me. i think this will be an amazing experience for a 2/3 year old!

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Original poster

bamboozleslover · 07/07/2006 19:14

also ellbell aren't classes organised before the semester starts? won't it be too late by the time i start to do that?

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littlelamb · 09/07/2006 11:54

I just saw this. I have just graduated in English, having had my dd at the end of my first year (completely unexpectedly) I'm 22, btw. It CAN be done, but from what you say I really think you'd do well to consider your other options. I am very, very lucky that my uni has a nursery, and a very good one at that. As part of the student loan you get a grant to cover most of the fees, and the uni subsidises much of the rest so I only pay a few hundred pounds a term. My dd started full time when she was 10 weeks old, which WAS hard, but the benefits far outweigh the negatives as far as I am concerned. She LOVES going to nursery, while those that start a bit later have a harder time adapting. One thing I would consider is the possibility of going it alone. That makes me sound really heartless, but being 300 miles away from my parents has never been a problem for me, and it is something I think you should consider rather than just leaving your ds with your parents. A good start would be to contact your uni and see what they can do to help you- they have dedicated reps for welfare who will do everything possible for you. BTW, I am at Exeter Uni, which has a spanish department (one of my friends is a spanish tutor and is lively ), and I can honestly say that they couldn't have done more to help me here, I have had such a positive experience of being a student parent, which is not easy at the best of times. Good luck with whatever you decide x

Reginald · 09/07/2006 11:55

well done and congratulations littlelamb - what a lovely success story!

littlelamb · 09/07/2006 11:55

lovely she is very lively too!

littlelamb · 09/07/2006 11:58

Thank you I just think that people can be so negative. My student paper ran an article basically saying that if you get pregnant at uni you only have one option. I wrote an article in reply and won the award fot the best feature of the year! I think people would be surprised if they realised just how many young student parents there are at university, and just how much suppost they will recieve.

NomDePlume · 09/07/2006 12:01

I would just like to say that going to uni now or deferring for a year are NOT your only options. It may not be ideal in a career sense, but it is perfectly possible to attend Uni as a mature student (I'm 24 and will be starting on the road to a nursing degree in Sept).

I know it has been said before and obviously only you can decide what the outcome of this dilemma will be, but you will never get these first years of your son's life back, you can go to Uni anytime in the future. I know that sounds a bit like emotional blackmail and I really commend you for even considering still going to Uni so soon after delivering your first baby !

As Snafu says, have you investigated the languages degrees offered by the OU ?

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