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Parenting

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Original poster

which is best?

20 replies

bamboozleslover · 06/07/2006 21:26

in a few months time i may be going to uni if i can decide whether i want to go or not. my ds will be only 2 months old and if i decide to go it will mean leaving him for a few days every week with my parents and then coming home for a few days to see him. not sure of the exact structure - it will depend on my timetable. anyway if i decide i can do this (at the moment i'm not sure i can) i have to decide whether to say goodbye to ds here (so I can't keep putting off saying goodbye and will have to get in the car and that will be that) or whether my parents should bring him to cardiff (where uni is) so i get the most time with him possible and say goodbye there. it is going to be so hard either way. even writing this has brought tears to my eyes

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sparklemagic · 06/07/2006 22:06

oh, bamboozle, I don;t think anyone but you can decide this.....from your post am I right that you are pregnant now? I think my advice would be wait until the baby is here. You simply cannot know how you will feel until then. Some people will feel very spurred on by having the baby and want to press on with their goals thinking that it is for the long term benefit of the child. Others will find it easier to tear off their own limb than leave their child!

I wonder if you can apply, set it all up so that you have the knowledge the place is there; then if you don't feel ready you can simply ask to defer for a year. Uni's do this sort of thing ALL the time and for more frivolous reasons than having a baby!

for what it's worth, I could not have done this with my DS. It was so precious to me to be with him when he was a baby...and personally I believe that having me at home with him for the early years MUST have had a beneficial effect on his development and sense of self worth...but that's just my view, there's a million other ways to think about it.

But don't try to decide until baby is here - you just won;t know...

Original poster

bamboozleslover · 06/07/2006 22:39

baby is here - he's 13 days old which is what has brought me to thinking about this. i really want to spend the first yeat with him as they go through so many special milestones. but then it is going to be much harder for him if i disappear say in just over a year after he has got used to me being there for him as opposed to in 8 weeks when he doesn't know any different.

OP posts:

rickman · 06/07/2006 22:44

Message withdrawn

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Original poster

bamboozleslover · 06/07/2006 22:45

he knows who i am now. so is the general consenus it will affect him more at 8 weeks than at 14 months?

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rickman · 06/07/2006 22:49

Message withdrawn

PinkTulips · 06/07/2006 22:52

i believe so too. my mom went back to work when i was 8 weeks, 14 hours away from me 5 days a week but gave up work when i was 3 to be a SAHM. we've never bonded properly, never been able to get on and she's never been able to accept being a mother. we've always resented the others presence and i have absolutely no pleasent memories of her from when i was little.

the first year is when you build the strongest bonds with your child and i don't think it's worth giving up for anything in the world.

Original poster

bamboozleslover · 06/07/2006 22:52

am attempting to breast feed but he hasn't took to it at all. expressing two bottles a day for him at the moment. tbh i am more concerned about the affect it has on him than me. maybe i need to give it a bit more time to be able to decide.

OP posts:

rickman · 07/07/2006 11:08

Message withdrawn

sparklemagic · 07/07/2006 12:21

Universities have been around for centuries and will still be there in one year, five or ten years - your child only gets one childhood, and one mum!!!!!!

imho....

sparklemagic · 07/07/2006 12:27

should also say, as a bit of a case study for you: my mum went to Uni when me andmy bro were both at school. She absolutely loved her time there and no doubt it was wonderful to concentrate on the cerebral after 6 years of mummying (not that that is brainless, but you know what I mean!) I have clear memories of her studying and it provided a fantastic role model for me and my bro about adults learning, and made us familiar with college etc....

she went on to become a teacher...

but sacrifices were made, I know, as she and dad were so poor that we lived in a council flat, it took them a few years to get on property ladder etc, but this was not a problem for us long term....

dmo · 07/07/2006 12:50

dont know your money situation but how bout renting a place in cardiff and getting a childminder to look after ds during the day so that you can see him each evening!
feel sorry for you wouldnt like to make that dissusion
i'm a childminder shame i dont live in cardiff

clairemow · 07/07/2006 12:53

Agree about deferring - leaving your DS so young will be so hard, and bonding in the first year is so important, for you and him. I can't see that Cardiff would have a problem with you deferring, esp if you discuss it now, before the A level results are out and they start getting really busy with clearing etc.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Twiglett · 07/07/2006 12:54

if it is an option I'd definitely defer .. missing that much of the first year would be extremely hard (on both of you)

beckybrastraps · 07/07/2006 12:55

My friend started university with a small baby and there was a creche available. Is that an option?

dmo · 07/07/2006 12:56

one of my mindees have two parents both working and bill comes to £120 per week but tax creidt pay her £98 per week towards childcare cost

FloatingOnTheMed · 07/07/2006 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

bamboozleslover · 07/07/2006 19:08

sorry whats at WOHM?

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clairemow · 07/07/2006 20:38

work out of home mum?? not sure though.

FloatingOnTheMed · 08/07/2006 00:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chandra · 08/07/2006 00:42

I would defer it, no degree is worth loosing the day to day contact with a baby, there are other ways to study which doesn't require you to leae your baby behind: like the Open University, or part time studies

I didn't defer it, and although I'm very pleased with my honours degree, I just see the paper and get annoyed at the thought of not enjoying more DS's first months because I was always pressurised by the studies. He is never going to be a baby again, and considering what I missed my certificate it's just a piece of paper...

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