Hello everyone,
Wow am I glad I found this site, its so rare to find a group of mummys (and any daddys out there) that are in the same boat, so here is my tale of woe, Ill try and keep it brief lol.
I am repeating my first year of my law degree full time, due to my little unexpected miracle (my dd) making an appearance during my exams. I already have two DS and I'm finding it really hard to manage. On top of that I feel unbelievably guilty for leaving my DD who is ten weeks old to go back. It being laid on pretty thick by certain friends and family that it is selfish, i should be at home, im missing too much, im not being a proper mum etc, even though at the min, my partner has just been made redundant and thanks to a decent payout and savings is at home anyway. (he is working part time self employed but we work that around the kids and me with very few problems). I enjoy uni, but it is hard work, coupled with a newborn, and kids, and a house, and a man (lets face it they can be just as hard work as kids sometimes lol). My DD was slightly premature so that hasnt made it look any better. I do all the nightfeeds (cannot bf due to kidney problems and resulting meds), as well as having kidney trouble which isnt resolved, and Im just managing. It feels like a struggle but is not made any better by other people. Am I a bad Mum??
My pregnancy wasnt planned, and was due to the fact that after a pretty bad kidney infection the antibiotics messed with my pill and I fell pregnant. After a pretty horrendous miscarriage three years ago there was no way I was terminating, so we decided to just manage. But I feel like I cant win. If im at home I feel guilty for not working/putting the hours in everybody else does, but when im at uni I feel guilty for not being at home. The only ambition I ever had for myself was to achieve a degree. Apart from that my whole life has been about my kids. I fell with my eldest at 17, and everybody wrote me off as such, 'you'll never make anything of yourself now, all that intelligence wasted' - (my family were pretty harsh), so this was my two fingered salute to them, as well as my little bit of time, something for me. But the in laws, mums at school, mutual friends of DPs, my brother etc are making me feel bad. Yes I feel bad that I sometimes miss bedtimes, and spend a lot of my week outside the home either at uni or reading/working on my course, but it wont be forever.
I worked really hard to get in to my uni (its a russell group uni with a very good reputation) and was over the moon to be accepted. It felt like I am more than a mum and a partner. The attitudes of both sides of the family and some of our friends is quite old fashioned. I should be at home, DP at work, I do childcare, he gets his dinner on the table and a stepford wife, and I thought sod that. I want options, and a life. The kids wont be kids forever, and I want something to fall back on when they leave home and im not needed as much by them anymore. Its hard going, hardly any mature students on the course, none with kids, the workload is intense but I love it. I also love my family, and am finding it hard to balance. I still do all the housework, take care of household admin, and as much of the childcare as I can. I dont really have a social life, which is fine, but im feeling close to burning out anyway and this isnt helping. Came home today and shut myself in our room and cried.
Suppose it boils down to am I doing the right thing? Am I being too selfish?
If you have read this far then I salute you, and thank you, would really appreciate someone elses take on this x