Son being pointed out as "troublemaker" :(

[Nena7]

We moved to a new area a year ago, my six year old son started a new school. He is doing well and according to his teacher is always "well beahaved in the class room". In the playground he is part of a group of kids who enjoy "playing it rough" and my boy is a bit "wild" but not worse than anyone else in this group (this is according to the teacher). A few parents have for a while told their children that they are not allowed to play with my son because he "drags them in to trouble". My son is held up as the instigator. These kids have been telling my son "my mum hates you, I am not allowed to go near you" which is quite upsetting and confusing for my son. it is now affecting his whole school experience. The parents are telling other parents how they feel and as a result, more kids are now told to "stay away" from my son. In addition, these kids are now telling other kids to not play with him, affecting his other friendships at school.

We are incredibly upset by this - even if he HAD been the instigator, we feel it's totally inappropriate to go about it this way. If they had an issue with our son's behaviour, they should have talked to us about it! However, since he isn't and it's all unjustified, it makes it even worse! We have no idea where this comes from or why they think that this is the case.

Does anyone have any suggestions what to do or have been in a similar experience?

I think you need to go into school and talk it over with the teacher

Sad as it is, if your boy is boisterous and rowdy, wild, if you will, then other children won't want to play with him and then once he has got a bad rep, it's hard to get past. Try asking one child or another back for tea, how about starting him in Cubs/Beavers (not sure of the ages) to widen friendship circle

The other parents won't approach you directly, advice nowadays is to take issues that happen in school to school for resolution

To be fair, parents aren't usually encouraged to go straight to the other parent these days- because most schools have probably known example of parents who have turned abusive when approached in this way. And sometimes children who display very rough behaviour in the school have learnt it at home. They don't want adult bloodshed in the playground.

What the school should be doing instead is dealing very firmly and directly with the playground behaviour: doling out suitable punishment, calling you into the school to discuss how you can support their disclinary approach, and reassuring the other parents that the problem is being dealt with.

It is possible that the school is simply not being very efficient. And in such a case what would you do if you were the other parent and it was your child who was being knocked down and saying he didn't want to go to school. What can you say except "keep away from anyone who is hurting you"?

My ds ended up not wanting to go to school at all, simply because of an over-boisterous boy who kept knocking him down. His mum was convinced it was all the other children who were being nasty to him. They were frightened.

You really need to go into school and find out what he is doing to cause such a reaction against him. Upsetting as is may be to hear you need to get to the bottom of it to try and start to make things better.

I've told both my DS's over the years to stay away from other children if they don't like how they are being treated. One boy kept pulling my eldest DS from behind by the neck and was told repeatedly by school to stop but he didn't, I was so cross one day when he did it outside the classroom at pick up, I went and shouted at the boy to leave my DS alone and never to touch him again and he never did.

He maybe just needs to tone it down a bit so others are happier to play with him. One boy in my other ds's year was so bossy and demanding about what and when they played, many got fed up of his domineering ways and played without him, he soon learned to join in more and not always be I'm charge.

OK, I didn't explain myself very well. My son is part of a group who is a bit rowdy in the playground. The parents who have taken a dislike to my son, are parents of other kids who also are PART of this group, some who are a lot more rowdy inside and out of the classroom than my son (but I won't go there...). My son have friends outside of this group who he gets along fine with however as he enjoys "playing rough" he tends to gravitate to this group (teacher's quote). He doesn't hurt anyone, he is not disruptive, he is not domineering, he is part of a group, who together likes to play fight etc. But my son is now being held responsible for any rowdy or bad behaviour from any of the kids who are part of this group, both by the kids AND the parents, inside and outside the classroom!

First of all, are you sure this is how it appears to the other children? My friend's ds was convinced he wasn't hurting others and that they were just all playing happily together. But that was not how it appeared to the other children in the group.

Cory, I can only go by what the teacher, the TAs and the lunch time supervisors have told me. Ie that my son is not the instigator. When I see them play in the playground after school, I would say a couple of these kids are really quite aggressive and aggrivate a lot of other kids. My son, and other members of this "rowdy group" are in the bushes, playing happily with sticks, shouting, pretending to be stone age people, but do not annoy or involve anyone else. Sometimes he plays with others, not rough, and this other group is still doing their thing, as well as the kids who always tend to be more aggressive (again, I have not discussed this with my son or would suggest these as the instigators!)

Perhaps some of the kids experience my son as you say, however, this is not reality (according to all school staff), but is based on what their parents have told them. And why they base that on is what I don't understand.

It's a weird one, as it sounds like teachers and adults involved in the playground/classroom are saying one thing, and the children are saying another. It seems unlikely that the ostracism starts and ends with parental will.

I would be inclined to ask your son how the new school is going, who he gets on with, etc etc. Maybe suggest to him that some of the kids at school find his activity levels a bit full-on. Invitations to play-dates?